Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Pigeons always look like they’re jamming out to an invisible iPod.

“I’m a real hipster.” He said, as his mustache fell off into his cold brew.

I thought this waitress was in love with me but then right in front of my eyes she started to bring other people food.

My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.

*Guy is rushed in on a stretcher*
DR: what happened
EMT: we found him passed out & seizing during a shrek marathon
DR: WE’VE GOT AN OGREDOSE

gender reveal party:
-boring
-only 2 outcomes
-too much socializing

father reveal party:
-exciting
-many outcomes
-party may end early

Then darkness fell upon the Earth, and the demons rose to torture and feast on our souls.

CW: Jeeze Ange, it was just a cloud, lighten up.

There’s a fine line between flirty and creepy. And that line is called being good looking.

Interviewer: So why do you want this job?

Me: I don’t. I want money.

How to kill a text thread in 6 letters: Hahaha

Why are they giving Lance Armstrong a hard time about doping???… Going to the moon is very scary shit!!!

I think my kids feel the same dread when I get their report cards as I do when they hear me open up a bag of oreos

[during sex]

ME: I’m Italian, how about you?

HER: Finnish

ME: Ok sure just give me a second

[Tattoo on nuts]

Caution: May contain people

Good Cop: If you confess now, you’ll probably just get probation.
Fad Cop: Hey Macarena!

curiouse george 2: 2 fast 2 curious

I’m really happy because my pill bottle says, Do not iron while taking this medication.

Mistletoe, poinsettias, and holly berries are all toxic plants that can potentially be harmful to humans and pets.

Here’s a great idea, let’s decorate our house with them for Christmas!

“i cnat believe this!” he yells as his beard of bees turns on him. “i would expect this from the others but not u” he says to 1 specific bee

Responding to an email with a question that was literally answered in the previous email should be reason enough to report someone to HR

How is this not always the biggest story of the day?

Promises made to get to a toilet is who you really are

“my god, that man is trying to snatch her purse!”

i’ll be RIGHT back
*ducks into phone booth*

*pops head out 5 mins later*
is he gone yet

Her: *hands me her baby*
Me: *drops it*
Her:
Me: So, is there like a five second rule or…?

I won $6 on a scratch-off last night. Out of my way, peasants!

Me: Whatcha got there? Oh, I see the garbage pail kids are making a comeback for Christmas this year.

Neighbor: This is my nephew.

I’m jealous of turtles, they can go home whenever they want.

Recruiter (calling me at work): Are you able to talk?

Me: Since the age of two.

Fantasy football is just Dungeons and Dragons for the people who used to beat up the people who played Dungeons and Dragons.

I spent a solid 10 minutes lecturing my kid about not writing on the couch with a pen and she said “It’s a marker not a pen.”