Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

They say a woman deserves a man that looks at her every day like it’s the first time he’s seen her. It’s wrong to promote Alzheimer’s.

wife: i wish you’d moan during sex

[later, whilst doing the sex]

me: i wish i was eating a grilled cheese

I accidentally texted “dong” instead of “doing” and long story short, we’re looking for a new babysitter.

😳

The old gods are rising again.

[I just barely squeeze thru the elevator doors as they shut, however my chain wallet get caught, ripping my pants off as the elevator rises]

I mean, COME ON! It’s not like I MEANT to serve sangria instead of kool aid to my Sunday School class but at least those animal crackers were straight up legit!

[Standards Bar]

Politician: Make it a double.

[Wife sweeping up all the dog hair into one big pile and answers the phone]

30 seconds later…

Kid: Look mom fur angels

Stop attacking me with reasonable advice

I came this close!!!!

NICK CANNON: hello and welcome to america’s got talent
HAWK: [hiding his talons behind his back] i misunderstood the title of this show

Got a booty text from my ex-husband so I did the logical thing and forwarded it to his new girlfriend.

Years ago, scientists knew barely anything about space! It was probably because those scientists were babies

My first base coach won’t let me practice kissing, I hate baseball.

Toddlers are like wordle, you only get so many tries to figure out what word they’re trying to say

Of course divorce is expensive. The price of freedom has always been high.

Boss: Can I have a word?
Me: Color
Boss: No, I want a word with YOU
Me: Colour

One time, I swallowed a dictionary whole.

It was thesaurus throat I’ve ever had.

*girl calls me daddy*
*hammer appears in my hand*
“oh no”
*I start building a deck*
“what have you done”
*grill turns itself on*

It’s always uncomfortable when someone says you might be their soulmate, and you have to tell them you don’t have a soul.

I try to ask my child questions instead of directly telling him things. I guess he’s picked up on it because yesterday a little voice from the back asked me “mama, what is the speed limit here?” and when I failed to take action he followed up patiently, “is 68 bigger than 65?”

[to a straight couple]
Which one is the lesbian and which one is the other lesbian

Liar is such a harsh term, I prefer Politician

*pulls out stack of pancakes and completely stuffs mouth during interview*
Nexft queffstun pleeazse
“Umm. Your biggest weakness?”
Panfccakes

[High School Reunion]

Him: I started my own Law Firm last year

Me: It took 2 months, but I convinced my wife Space Jam was a true story

[preparing chicken for lunch]
me: it’s a meal we eat at midday

chicken: gotcha

Schrödinger: How’s my cat, Doc?
Vet: I have good news and bad news..

i didn’t think at 41 i would be saying “but please don’t tell my parents” as often as i do

Often when a man says something gross to me on the street I’m too stunned to say more than “ew.”

But just now a guy goes “what d’you taste like, girl?”

And I somehow managed to respond, almost automatically: “The blood of my enemies.”