Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If the kids knew there was a light in the attic, they would leave that one on too.

Thanks to everyone who watched The Way I See It tonight. I appreciate all of your comments. #VOTETheWayYOUSeeIt

[Amphibian Playground]

BULLFROG: look at all u lil toad nerds

TOAD: help! a BULLYfrog!

TEACHER SNAKE: i’ll handle this *eats everyone*

Watermelon. The fruit that comes with a workout.

This lady here in Walmart has completely given up on her kids for Lent apparently.

coworker suggested i drink fewer than six energy drinks so i tossed him through the break room like a discus

[3 am]
toddler *steps on my face trying to sneak into the bed*
me: You are the worst ninja ever

If your 3yo cries for 45 min cause she wants to stay on the toilet but she doesn’t want to stay on the toilet and she wants to wipe but she doesn’t want to wipe and she wants you to stay but she doesn’t want you to stay, letting her have cookies for breakfast is called self-care.

Do you need to go peepee?
-No
Are you sure?
-Yes
How bout you try?
-No
Ook, goodnight

*as soon as I relax*

-MOM HELP I’M PEEPING MY PANTS!

Hangin with my peeps at the club. Biting their heads off, one by one. Enjoying their marshmallow deliciousness.

[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary

[Airport Departures]

We have a family-friendly policy to always seat children onboard with their parents

Me: Even if I pay extra?

Sorry I put black eyeliner on your baby, but honestly, look at how edgy it is now.

Doctor’s office: “Can you fax us your information?”

Me: “Let me get a rock and chisel to write down your fax number.”

Once broke up with a girl cuz I didn’t like the way she agreed with me

Most of my exercise comes from getting up to let the cat in and out.

Oh really well you thought four inches was HUGE when we were talking about spiders.

Perfume is designed to be an invisible accessory.

It’s not designed to instantly kill the canary when you entered the room.

Child: What’s the difference between a hurricane and a tropical storm?

Me: A tropical storm has high winds with tiny drink umbrellas flying around in them.

Child: I’ll ask mom.

There’s something I really need to get off my chest tonight

Throws bra on the floor

I feel much better

I was having a great Friday until I found out it was Thursday.

Ok guys, I have 28 minutes to kill before I casually need to respond to a text message.
What’s up?

[Me as a zoo tour guide]

Me: On your left, we have the African Spotted Tall Bois

8 yo: Aren’t those giraf-

Me: AND ON THE RIGHT we have a Giant Leaf Raccoon

8: They’re pand-

Me: AND STRAIGHT AHEAD, you’ll see the beautiful Wild Barcodes.

8: Zeb-

Me: THIS IS A SILENT TOUR

In the wake of inflation, and the conflict in Eastern Europe, the Germans are predicting a shortage of sausage and cheese. They’re formulating a plan for it, which they’re calling the würst/käse scenario

I fall and drown in the lake. They pull out my body. “It’s so bloated and grotesque” says one. “He only fell in a minute ago” says another

My son came home for spring break with all clean clothes and doesn’t need me to do his laundry and I am just so very, very confused.

Jeff: i’m pro gun.

Me: i’m anti gun.

Greg: i’m vegan.

Me: i’m pro gun, now. Jeff, give me your gun.

I wish I had the confidence of someone who would let themselves be tattooed in a place they can’t see.

Where is my emotional support mac n cheese when I need it?

me: *clicks Add to dictionary*

microsoft word: yeah definitely doing that 👍