Show me someone who says “once you try black you never go back” and I’ll show you someone who’s never had an overripe banana.
You Might Also Like
Duct tape will only support 35 lbs when trying to climb walls like Spiderman. (I’m sober now)
Me: I don’t appreciate being unexpectedly hit with goose liver.
Waiter: I’m sorry for throwing you a surprise pâté.
Strudel me like one of your toaster girls
*after five days of storms with record rainfall remembers to turn off sprinkler system*
*grass dies due to lack of water*
A psychologist on a podcast I listen to just said “if you want to be less anxious you need to worry less” so thank god he spent $80k on his PhD because this is absolute gold
At school, Scooby-Doo excelled at the three Rs – biology, Spanish and geography.
trump may have a point about video game violence, ever since skyrim came out i’ve been climbing to high elevations and shouting bears off of cliffs and i don’t think it’s a coincidence
Boss: Your career is like a phoenix.
Me: You mean you expect it to rise from the ashes?
Boss: No, I mean it’s entirely imaginary.
ME: OMG I CAN’T BREATHE I ATE WAY TOO MUCH CALL A DOCTOR
HER: do you want dessert?
ME: ok, but just a small slice.
This is your pilot speaking. We’ll be taking off shortly once our flight crew confirms that this is, in fact, an airplane
The inventor of Gogurt has died. He would like you to open his urn along the dotted line and splatter half the ashes all over your shirt.
*Toddler walks up, kisses my knee, turns away*
“Aw! Aren’t you sweet?”
*Toddler kisses refrigerator, cabinet door and dishwasher*
“Oh.”
Cute Internet Girl: This guy is pretty funny, I think I’ll fol-
Me: *Human Cannonballs my way into her living room* HELLO!
I am no longer hungry. Nor is, I assume, the cicada I have just discovered crushed into the tread of my sneakers.
If I yell loud enough I can turn this whole game around.
– dads at kids’ basketball games
[Bee Gees voice]
you can tell by the way I use my walk,
that I stepped in shit,
while in the park
I’ve had so much cough medicine and this has me in tears
“You’re bleeding because you don’t floss”
Me: No, I’m bleeding because I ate the entire bowl of deceivingly fake fruit in your waiting room.
List of things my kids wanna talk about at bedtime
I can’t remember the ending of one single movie I’ve seen since they started selling booze in theaters.
She hated my mixed-tape back in high school. Last month she gave birth to her ninth baby. Thanks for saving my life, Depeche Mode!
How much would you have to pay a teacher to flunk your kid so he has to go to Summer School? Just planning ahead…
Doctor! Is it normal to have one leg longer than the other two?
What do we want?
SNACKS!When do we want em?
AFTER DINNER!– kids.
Hitting the brakes, I instinctually reach my arm out in front of my passenger seat as my mother did before me. It’s ok, I whisper to my travel Doritos, you’re safe.
Me: A psychiatrist? That’s silly. There’s no such thing as “too obsessed with bagels.”
Her: Says who?
Me: Sesame
The 2024 federal budget promises billions of dollars in new spending. Aw, that’s so sweet, they’re gonna do a single grocery run for us!
I’VE BEEN DIETING ALL WEEK!
I’M STARVING!
-Me, on a Tuesday