Show me someone who says “once you try black you never go back” and I’ll show you someone who’s never had an overripe banana.
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Croquettes are not female crocodiles
The superstition where you hold your breath as you drive past a cemetery sounds like a ploy by Big Cemetery to fill more cemeteries.
Why doesn’t anyone invite copyeditors to parties when we’re such cool people out with whom to hang?
I remember this one time I peed in the pool. The lifeguard yelled so loud I almost fell in.
Your Twitter Dom probably sits at the kids’ table during Thanksgiving
when i am in a store i always seek out the dustiest corner and lay my eggs there
Tony Hawk, age 6
I start, but can rarely complete my paintings and sculptures, for I am a master of the partial arts.
Fifty percent of parenting is asking, “What did I do to deserve these sweet kids?” and fifty percent is asking “What the hell did I do to deserve these kids?”
victim: *running away, singing friends theme song*
murderous villain [drops knife while clapping]: damn it, not again
why is it called godzilla vs kong instead of when hairy met scaly
*goes to grocery store
*puts “gently used” sticker on all their cucumbers
*Sucks spider up in vacuum*
*panics*
*breaks a glass to vacuum up and finish him off*
My daughter just watched “Cujo” for the first time.
Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth later ?
My ex is on Facebook saying how much he misses travelling, like he ever went further than the pub
Am I romantic?
I do the rose petal thing but I use potato salad.
So, I don’t know.
You tell me.
[opens treasure chest & it’s full of treasure]
Me: whoa
Friend: what is it?
Me [slowly closing chest]: spiders
I hope in my next life I come back as a McChicken so men will look at me lovingly and also settle for me out of desperation
Me: I’m having a heart attack.
BFF: you are not.
Me: I am *burp* oh nevermind
ME: stay away from the cat
MY DOG: perhaps this time will be
d i f f e r e n tME: ur gonna get scratched again
MY DOG: [approaching cat anyway] brøther. brøther i crave the ꜰᴏʀʙɪᴅᴅᴇɴ ᴄᴜᴅᴅʟᴇꜱ.
Just saw IT. Cool movie, but I gotta ask: what was up with that clown?? Killing kids? Not good.
I’m pretty sure I could “watch this” for 24 hours straight without blinking and my 7yo still wouldn’t be satisfied.
God: I am the father of humanity.
Human: *changes climate*
God: DON’T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT!
No matter the event, in the Midwest they bring you a casserole. Divorced- casserole. Grandpa died- casserole. You married your first cousin- casserole
There’s no occasion where cheese and canned cream of soup can’t bring everyone together
<thud>
*shoe lands on sidewalk
*picks up shoe
*sees it’s my size
*looks up
*sees man stuck in tree
*sits
*waits for the other shoe to drop
My goldfish died. The good news is I’m inheriting a tiny treasure chest.
The U.S. Army developed a pizza that stays good for 3 years. Finally, those billions in military spending paid off. Your move, Al Qaeda.
Hey girl are you soy sauce because you always “no MSG” me back
I HAVE A LITTLE MERMAID BAND-AID UNDER MY EYE CAUSE I’M IN A GANG NOW.
If you’re not vacuuming sand out of your car two years later, did you really take it to the beach?