Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[praying mantis home]
“Happy Mother’s Day, mom”

Aww, thank u, son

“Mom, why did Dad leave?”

[turns head away 180°]
I was hungry

ME: Is this Babies R Us
CASHIER: Yes
ME: No babies work here
C: I know
ME: It should be called Babies Were US
C: …
ME: Get me your manager

If I ever get remarried, I am walking down the aisle to the theme song from Jaws.

when my brother was at the height of his teenage boy gym phase he used to get a rotisserie chicken and sit out the front of the house sharing it with like 4 different cats and the neighbours dog. was actually very beautiful

got too drunk in the vietnamese restaurant last night, they said i can never go back. they banh mi

Sometimes you have to put your phone down and take a look at what’s around you..

And wonder how you drove your car into a swimming pool.

I only tell jokes so someone will explain them to me.

Just by looking into someone’s eyes, you can tell if they have eyes

I’m gonna open a French fusion hotdog shop and call it:

“Oui-ners”

I used to be in a band called The Hinges. We usually opened for The Doors.

I shall plucketh thine eyes from ye skull and make kebobs but with bendy straws instead of skewers cuz those are dangerous

My uterus has decided that every single time I come to the beach this summer is period time.

I don’t judge you when you make a typo.

I first look at the keypad and how far the letters are apart.

Then I judge you.

My Secret Santa gave me a McDonald’s gift card because they took one look at me.

If you like a girl in the gym aggressively walk up to her and say, “Hey babe, let me show you how that exercise is supposed to be done, sweetheart.” Instant phone number.

*sees someone drop their wallet*
*picks it up and runs after them*

Excuse me! EXCUSE ME!
You… *catches breath* Your outfit is hideous

Beyonce: ‘Who run the world?’ Generally people who have at least a basic understanding of grammar.

Whenever I hear a helicopter I say “gotta go- there’s my ride!”

When I was a kid there were two sure ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.

My wife says the sweetest things in the morning like”Love you,” & “DID YOU SERIOUSLY EAT ALL THE COOKIE DOUGH FOR BREAKFAST WHAT IS WRONG WI

Most guys that think they know everything about women usually lack one thing…. A woman.

I wanna be rich enough to realize that I can’t buy happiness.

I get out of awkward conversations by pulling a balloon out, making a dog and just say I need to take it for a walk.

I went on a date with a young woman who didn’t wanna sneak snacks into the movies. Not sure which direction life has taken her but I hope she’s well because I wasn’t sticking around for that.

It’s that time of year again, to reflect and remember how much I love my tax deductions.

Kids… I meant my kids.

You know that one guy that lives in that one house across from that black dog not the one but the other one, I see now he’s working at that one place kind of downtown by that other place…

-my wife telling a story

Her: I like long walks on the beach.

Me: Is there WiFi?

Her: Where?

Me: The beach.

Her: What?…No.

Me: We should see other people.

I found an extra $9 in the bank! Get dressed baby we’re going to Little Caeser’s!

my daughter told me that I am eating my elderly era. I’m not sure what that means and if I should thank her or ground her

It’s so funny how fast you adapt. Literally four months after ending a twelve-year run of going to school for seven hours a day you’re like “wait, I have THREE classes today?! Is that legal?!”