Show me someone who says “once you try black you never go back” and I’ll show you someone who’s never had an overripe banana.

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[at pet store]

Im looking for something cheap and will get people to stop coming over.


*Buys map of world, pins up on wall
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands
*packs for wall 3 feet away
*has an amazing time at wall


When I have kids I’m gonna tell them drugs are good for them.
It’s the only way I can be sure they won’t try them.


GF: “Call me ASAP, it’s an emergency!”

Me: “Hi ASAP, it’s an emergency!”


I don’t mean to sound like a tough guy but I’ve been in New York City for almost two hours and I’ve only cried like 31 times…


My parents always taught me to pursue my dreams. That’s why I take so many naps.


[creating seahorses]

God: give em little horsey faces

Angel: aww cute

God: fish lookin bodies

Angel: ok…wait, really?

God: curly-cue tails lol

Angel: this is confusing

God: oh yeah? make males carry the eggs til they hatch and explode outta their pouch


God: POP


[staff meeting]

PRINCIPAL: ok guys, we built a room to hold our P.E. class. what should we name it?

[Jim slowly raises his hand]


So if you want to be sure your internet history is deleted, just whisper ‘please delete my internet history’ into any hole on the computer