@GibJimson
[at pet store]
Im looking for something cheap and will get people to stop coming over.
@TheBoydP
Show me someone who says “once you try black you never go back” and I’ll show you someone who’s never had an overripe banana.
You Might Also Like
@GibJimson
@tylerschmall
Employees must applaud the planets.
@flashember
*Buys map of world, pins up on wall
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands
*packs for wall 3 feet away
*has an amazing time at wall
@TwatyTweets
When I have kids I’m gonna tell them drugs are good for them.
It’s the only way I can be sure they won’t try them.
@KyleDodsonFunny
GF: “Call me ASAP, it’s an emergency!”
Me: “Hi ASAP, it’s an emergency!”
@RobElliottComic
I don’t mean to sound like a tough guy but I’ve been in New York City for almost two hours and I’ve only cried like 31 times…
@McCPeggy
My parents always taught me to pursue my dreams. That’s why I take so many naps.
@Mom_Overboard
[creating seahorses]
God: give em little horsey faces
Angel: aww cute
God: fish lookin bodies
Angel: ok…wait, really?
God: curly-cue tails lol
Angel: this is confusing
God: oh yeah? make males carry the eggs til they hatch and explode outta their pouch
Angel:
God: POP
@trentistweeting
[staff meeting]
PRINCIPAL: ok guys, we built a room to hold our P.E. class. what should we name it?
[Jim slowly raises his hand]
@yobrah_
So if you want to be sure your internet history is deleted, just whisper ‘please delete my internet history’ into any hole on the computer