@TheBoydP

Show me someone who says “once you try black you never go back” and I’ll show you someone who’s never had an overripe banana.

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@GibJimson

[at pet store]

Im looking for something cheap and will get people to stop coming over.

@flashember

*Buys map of world, pins up on wall
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands
*packs for wall 3 feet away
*has an amazing time at wall

@TwatyTweets

When I have kids I’m gonna tell them drugs are good for them.
It’s the only way I can be sure they won’t try them.

@KyleDodsonFunny

GF: “Call me ASAP, it’s an emergency!”

Me: “Hi ASAP, it’s an emergency!”

@RobElliottComic

I don’t mean to sound like a tough guy but I’ve been in New York City for almost two hours and I’ve only cried like 31 times…

@McCPeggy

My parents always taught me to pursue my dreams. That’s why I take so many naps.

@Mom_Overboard

[creating seahorses]

God: give em little horsey faces

Angel: aww cute

God: fish lookin bodies

Angel: ok…wait, really?

God: curly-cue tails lol

Angel: this is confusing

God: oh yeah? make males carry the eggs til they hatch and explode outta their pouch

Angel:

God: POP

@trentistweeting

[staff meeting]

PRINCIPAL: ok guys, we built a room to hold our P.E. class. what should we name it?

[Jim slowly raises his hand]

@yobrah_

So if you want to be sure your internet history is deleted, just whisper ‘please delete my internet history’ into any hole on the computer