When I’m mad at my kid, I don’t put the straw from the juice box in their school lunch.
Show me someone who says “once you try black you never go back” and I’ll show you someone who’s never had an overripe banana.
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Father’s Day Fun:
1) Walk up to a complete stranger at lunch with his family.
2) Hug him.
3) Tell him ‘Happy Father’s Day dad’!
I’ve worked at my job for 7 years & my boss still hasn’t noticed that I only give Magic 8-Ball responses to all of his questions.
Me: Sorry I have terrible anxiety and get picnic attacks.
Her: You mean panic attacks?
Me: *pulling basket out* Oh god make it stop
“Act your age!” I yell at my 11 year-old daughter as I put on my Captain America t-shirt.
How does a cricket know if his joke has bombed?
[lou bega voice] this is playstation number five
Excuse me while I go powder the inside of my nose.
Just drank two 5-Hour Energy shots. Will I get 10 hours of energy? And why is that rainbow giggling at me? AndAHH MY SKIN IS ON INSIDE-OUT!
Once again the nurse sighs and writes “patient refused to step on scale” into my medical chart.