Show me someone who says “once you try black you never go back” and I’ll show you someone who’s never had an overripe banana.
You Might Also Like
My kid wants me to tell China that they should have camouflaged the balloon by painting it blue with clouds and stuff, and since she’s not wrong I’m wondering, do I write a letter or is there a phone number I can call
Milk crates are like a Swiss Army knife for the poor…
Need a stool? Milk crate!
A bookshelf? Milk crate! A side table? Two milk crates!
impressing strangers by telling them i drive a Nissan Easy Bake Oven
White guy in horror movie: I think we should split up.
Me, antisocial: Solid move, Thad.
scarlet joe hanson sounds like an old timey boxer’s name. “weighin’ in at 182 lbs, 5’9″, the ol’ black widow, scarlet jooooooe hansen!”
if you’re not easily offended, why are you even here?
“This is a robbery! Be cool and nobody gets hurt!”
ME: *starts vaping*
Why do they call it sweeping the leg and not defeeting your opponent?
Don’t go in the woods alone.
Always bring a slower friend.
“sticks and stones may break my bones”
“got it, thank you!”
“wait there’s more”
“but you already foolishly revealed your weakness to me”
The pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on corduroys.
howdy. i’m a sheriff in this here movie or show. and if i see somethin startlin? well… best believe i’m takin my hat off at it. real slow
Sitting on the porch late one night. A fox steals up and settles quietly next to me. Pearl divers don’t hold their breath as long as I do.
[buying condoms] Do you have anything bigger? Like if someone wanted to pretend to be a slippery ghost for a day, or something like that.
Guys who resent their friends for not sharing their hair products are gel less.
Instead of asking my kid if she’s brushed her hair, I ask if she’s cured cancer. I figure if I’m gonna be disappointed by the answer it might as well be about something really big
The awkward part of having the 10 Commandments displayed in US courthouses is realizing that 8 of them are pretty much legal here.
Me: I’d like the chocolate soufflé
Waiter: It takes 45 minutes to prepare
M (right in her face): Then why are you still talking to me?
My location is on so my wife can see that I am where I say I am.
My wife’s location is on so I can hide the drinking glass and start cleaning while she’s on her way home from work.
I’ve started picking furniture up off the side of the road, restoring it, and then selling it on Facebook in order to finance my expensive new hobby, which is picking furniture up off the side of the road and then restoring it to sell on Facebook.
“Daddy, what happens when we die?”
“You get married and have kids”
I want the new mayor to do something about the size of the squirrels in this city, they’re too big and they’re only getting bigger.
Shoutout to coughing on the bus. Haven’t tried it myself but seems really popular
when was the last time we checked in on the guy from Snow Patrol. is he still layin there
ME DRIVING THE TURTLES OUT OF IRELAND: This is taking forever.
My friend asked if I pee a little when I sneeze like I’m some sort of multitasker.
if your refrigerator’s running i’d take off in the same direction. no time to grab anything just go, run!
All summer long: Kids are healthy.
5 minutes into first day of school: Everyone has Ebola.
🥶🥶🐶🐶
