Show me someone who says they haven’t used chemistry since school and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t ignore warnings on bathroom cleaners
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He died doing what he loved
smelling things underwater
Make a first date less awkward by licking all their food and then handing it back. See? Now you’ve already shared germs. Anything else should be easy peasy.
“Does this hurt?”
“YES!”
“What about this?”
“OW!”
*Dr. writes notes*
“Patient shows symptoms of pain when stabbed with knife. Keep updates.”
I put my hand upon your hip
And then I steal yo queso dip
Why would I spend $5 on a bag of apples at the store when I can wear warm fall clothes in 88° weather and pay $36 for our family to pick them ourselves.
What if they close the grocery stores and we actually have to hunt for our food?
I don’t even know where little Debbie lives.
I always have an elaborate flow chart on hand in case people ask me “What’s the worst that can happen?”
me: the heart wants what the heart wants
heart: please stop drin-
me: whiskey it is
It’s only a family vacation if you think “We’re never doing this again” at least once.
My husband said he wants someone to scare him on Halloween, so I think I’ll tell him I’m starting menopause.
Wife: our daughter can’t find her physics book.
Me: just tell her to use the force lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you took it so you could make a Star Wars joke didn’t you?
Me: I find your lack of faith disturbing.
Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they start swimming (into my fists)
accidentally left my turn signal on for a couple minutes so now i’m going back and turning at all the places i indicated i would
[Creation]
God: “Give them hair up their nose”
Angel: “Hair? But why?”
God: “To catch their snot”
Angel: “Snot?”
Them: you don’t strike me as a pacifist.
Me: yeah, that’s kinda the point
MANAGER: Great news guys, I finally got us a gig
BAND: Thank God! Finally!
MANAGER: *installing RAM* Yeah it’ll make this PC way faster
Stopped by a roadside farm where I saw a sign that said “DUCK, EGGS”.
I was contemplating the position of the comma when it hit me.
Sometimes I don’t put my glasses on for the first hour of the day bc I’m not ready to see what’s coming
somebody come look at this
Welcome to college! Here’s a list of our majors. Here’s a list of majors that lead to unemployment. As you can see, both lists are the same.
if you won an award for brushing your teeth the worst, would you receive a plaque plaque?
I just met a spider that jumped right at me when I tried to kill it.
And that spider just met a man that does not need to live in a home.
Putting some of my hairs on the cat, just to even things out.
Doritos has a new snack called “Taco Explosion” so I’m suing Frito Lay for stealing my term for what occurs an hour after eating Taco Bell.
[hosting a party]
Me: *gesturing* Please place your styrofoam dishes here for recycling when you’re finished.
Guest: But that’s the sink. Are you gonna wash them? *laughs*
Me: Do I come to your house and tell you how to recycle, Jan?
If you’re 6’5” tall and drop something, I imagine you just keep walking, like “yeah, THAT’s gone now…”
wait I thought laser eye surgery meant I get laser eyes
Me: I can read on the toilet until my feet fall asleep
Job interviewer: …and a weakness?
They should make a sitcom where Gordon Ramsay works in a prison as a culinary instructor to prisoners with anger issues.
[throwing out the baby]
Me: Oh shit, my bathwater!