Show me someone who says they like all types of music and I will show you someone who has never been on hold before a conference call.
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Don’t know how anybody can hate on lazy people, we didn’t even do anything.
Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite fi
Batman: I’m afraid of bats
Superman: I’m afraid of soup
When I am served half an egg at a restaurant,
I wonder to myself:
Who has the other half of my egg?
Two strangers;
Living their lives;
Sharing an egg.
this chia pet tastes awful
My daughter’s school was closed for fog.
Back in my day, Godzilla could be destroying the city & the principal would be like “2-hour delay”
Jennifer on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Jennifer? Most people love it.
I miss the crypto guys with the laser eyes telling us to “have fun staying poor” — where did they all go?
Albus pretended it didn’t bother him, but late at night, he wept in his chambers. He hated when the students called him “Dumblefag.”
Super Mario is so unrealistic. No brother would ever help find his missing sister in law.
My chiropractor is a crack addict.
Maybe Hitler became evil because he was mad that after so many years of lifting his hand nobody high fived him.
The best way to run into that hot person you’ve been dying to talk to is to leave the house looking the worst you possibly can.
I replaced the glass in my bathroom windows so the tree outside can see exactly what I do with toilet paper.
You know what paper is? I yell
Took my twins to their swim class and the coach showed them how to float on their backs then asked if they had any questions. My boy twin asked if there was any cake and I think it was a fair question
[inventor of the snooze button]
ok, these alarm clocks are pretty good, let’s add something to make them useless
I have an archaeology joke but nobody digs it.
He’s a 10, but that’s in Fahrenheit so he’s frozen.
me: cheeseburgers are better than sex
her: maybe you’re doing it wrong
me: I stick my meat between two buns and slather it in sauce, add cheese, pickles and bacon
her: I meant sex
me: me too
10: “Did you know Saturn was discovered in 1610?”
8: “That’s not a real year.”
30% of the world’s coal production is used by Santa to insult our shittiest children
HER: You’ve run over my dog
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME: [imagines finally being called a good boy] yes please
When you’s said addicted to apple products, my mind was thinking shampoo and conditioner not electronics.
I have no sense of decency. That way all my other senses are enhanced…
I only compete with myself because I’m hella stupid and easy to outsmart.
I found a few packages of paper towels at the grocery store today, so I looked around to see if I was being punk’d.
employee: how does it look?
vampire in a changing room: I can’t see myself wearing this
Me: I want to kiss you everywhere!
Her: You mean New York, Paris & London?
Me: Um, ya that’s what I meant.
I never pray harder than when I’m trying on a new pair of skinny jeans.
[first date]
HER: It looks like you work out
ME: *adjusting the tissues in my sleeves* Oh yeah, big time worker outer