Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Kids are great when you need help around the house.”

– People who don’t have kids

Dietest Coke

I’d pay double for a Roomba that had a “follow child” option

age 20: I was in a car accident, my ride is totaled. I won’t be into work until after lunch

age 40: I did something to my back brushing my teeth, I need to lie down for 3 weeks

Triscuits are great because it reminds us that our gums can get splinters too.

HR: How do you think we can better handle this in the future?
ME [glaring at Cheryl, who took the last donut]: idk, maybe don’t hire Cheryl

I just yelled ‘Jayden’ at the mall and now I’m a mom to like 20 kids.

i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial distribct & all i coud think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”

My 13yo’s school supply list had “Trapper Keeper” on it. I thought I was going to have to time travel back to the 80s to grab one until I saw Target had already done that for me and had a few on their shelf.

He was a real gentlemen and always opened the fridge door for me

If you’ve already seen a couple of chickens break up a couple of rabbits fighting today then just keep on scrolling…

Schools: Children need consistency and routine

Also schools: Daily class times will be the lucky numbers from your fortune cookie

Me: Where’s the remote?

Toddler: I didn’t eat it!

My daughter is writing a poem about our dog and she’s trying to find a word that rhymes with his name. Our dog’s name is Tucker. This will not end well.

What song lyric resonates with you the most? Mine is “we’re tiny, we’re toony, we’re all a little loony”

Next time someone comes over to hold my newborn I’m going to ask them to unload the dishwasher and put the laundry away first

Mint flavored condoms called condomints. Thanks for following.

*Buys map of world, pins it up on wall*
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Visits the middle of the Atlantic Ocean*

One of my “100 things to do before you die” would definitely be “call an ambulance”.

People keep inviting me to stuff. I miss the pandemic.

At the outdoor church service today, the pastor invited the kids to use sidewalk chalk to draw things that remind them of God.

My six year olds decided to trace each other and create a crime scene.

When I can she’s been typing her reply for 5 mins.

*lawyer pops out of cake with divorce papers & pen in hand

I hate this app so much. This rebrand is awful. If you need to reach me, you can find me here engaging in content and regularly posting

Sorry. Can’t. I live in a small town. You know what that’s like. *vague gesture* Super busy avoiding all men from a Big City who might have recently inherited a tree farm & are liable to stay here after being charmed into rediscovering the true meaning of Christmas.

This is so messed up and I love it 🤣

4: mommy, I don’t like you.

Me: why, what did I do??

4: *gives me a huge hug*

Me: uh

4: I only love grandma

Me: what is happening

Hell hath no fury like a toddler who demanded to use a fork to eat his soup and can’t eat his soup

After watching Honey Boo Boo, I realize America has much bigger problems than the national debt.

If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.