Show me someone who says they’ve traveled to the four corners of the earth and I will show you someone who’s failed geometry and geography.
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Date: I like men with a bit of mystery.
Me: I have a pancake in my wallet.
The only Plato I care about is a big Plato spaghetti
Accidentally went to Rouge One instead of Rogue One. Boy is my face red.
all I wanna do is
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
move to a safer neighborhood
When you’ve been debugging for hours and the issue was a missing semicolon, you appreciate the little things. Also, considering a career in farming.
Bully: Give me your lunch money
Me (clutching my lunch sack against my body): My name isn’t Money
Part of fatherhood is becoming an expert in some obscure topic and teaching it to your children who stopped listening 30 minutes ago.
I don’t trust scrapbookers because I feel it’s a slippery slope to ransom letters
[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?
Once you understand they’re unwilling time travelers dropped here moments earlier, the confused actions of squirrels suddenly make sense.
[when i was a kid]
DAD: remember, if a girl is mean to you, that means she likes you
[today]
MY BOSS: you screwed everything up this week you idiot
ME: sorry, i’m not really looking for a relationship right now
‘In my humble opinion…’ yeah right lmao sounds really modest already
Hit 1,000 followers and a 100 star tweet on the same day! Do you know what that means?!
900 of you don’t read my shit.
[sees giant spider in house]
[tells girlfriend “I got this”]
[slowly rolls up magazine]
[uses magazine as megaphone & yells out the window “SAVE US!!”]
Amazon packaging #BlowsMyMind
My dog just ate one of my earbuds gonna blast metal until I get it back
Got electrocuted while fixing the doorbell, and now I can hear my girlfriend’s thoughts. She’s thinking she should have called an electrician.
Me ten years ago: I can’t believe people are giving up their landlines. That’s crazy.
Me today: I can’t believe people still have their landlines. That’s crazy.
Pointed out my kids real dad to them at the car wash today. None of us are sure if I’m kidding.
[1st day as an animal researcher]
*tagging a bear*
Me: you’re it
*plays Eye of the Tiger*
*starts runni…*
*yeah, screw this*
“Oh, we’re going for a 6 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Then I just need to run & hide your keys.”
-3 year olds
The First 48 is on from now until 4am. If anyone needs me I’ll be on my couch solving homicides and eating schnacks.
(Don’t need me)
How to walk around a museum
Despite standing in the same spot and yelling “Dad!” 427 times, my daughter is nowhere closer to finding where her dad is.
*prospective pet owner interview
Dog (suspicious): Uh huh. And what exactly do you want from me in exchange for this “food” and “shelter”?
People who live in glass houses should wear fish costumes.
Everyone at this exorcism is being like really mean to me
Few things create body issues like a hotel pool towel
like idgaf i’ll tell you goodnight at 3pm if you piss me off.