Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, buddy- it’s what I’m here for.
8: Do shrimps have necks? Like, could I chop a shrimp in the neck if I had to?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.

Taylor Swift seems like the kind of chick who’d stare at her boyfriend while he’s sleeping.

Killer: *over the phone* I’m watching you

Me: ooh, what am I wearing

Killer:

Me: sorry, what are *you* wearing I’m bad at this

a New Yorker reject, for you

just a good, friendly, light-hearted conversation that for some reason charmin initiated with me

This girl told me that eating a cake is the best way to calm you down.

I bet she never tried smashing it over someone’s face.

I just slipped on a banana peel.

It didn’t fit.

washing mushrooms is the quickest way to figure out exactly how much dirt you’re okay with eating

[Charlie Brown running up and just booting Hey Arnold in the head]

PARAMEDIC: this man needs a transfusion
JESUS: i got this *turns water into wine*
PARAMEDIC: he doesn’t need wine he needs blood
JESUS: this is my blood

She wears short skirts
I eat pizza
She’s cheer captain
And I’m still eating pizza

[1st day as police officer]

PARTNER: THAT CAR FLEW BY DOING 126 MPH! LET’S ROLL!

ME: Um, ok, but I literally JUST got this ice cream cone.

gonna make a dog training school and call it harvard so people who went to harvard always have to say “no the one for people”

In horror flicks, people say “hello?” when they hear something like a voice is going to reply, “oh hey, it’s me, the murderer.”

if 5 random white ppl come up to me & tell me they are imagine dragons im gonna have no choice but to believe them

HER: do you mind having period sex?

ME: not at all. can we try the Industrial Revolution?

husband [joking]: i know someone going to a military school

15 [not joking]: i know someone going to a nursing home

*Brings axe to slumber party*
“Oops. I thought you said ‘lumber party'”
*Knew the whole time*
*Waits until they’re asleep*
*Chops down tree*

Me: You always see zombies eating people but we never see them needing a poop afterwards. Where does the food go?

Therapist: Please. Just stop talking.

Me *hesitates to do CPR on a friend who’s on the floor, unconscious*: What if he comes back as a zombie
911 Operator: No, he’d have to be dead awhile, then reanimated through some kind of disease vector or lightning storm.
Me: Thank you!
Operator: That’s what we’re here for.

12yo: My friend has 2 tiktok accounts.

Me: One is for her mom to follow and the other is for her friends to follow.

12yo: Kids do that?

Me:

12yo:

Me: No.

WIFE: *holding pregnancy test* well this is unexpected

ME: *rubbing wife’s tummy* can we discuss a different name?

Trumpy Cat

🏙👨🏼

THE QUEEN IS BEING REBOOTED SOMEONE STOP THEM.

I AM THE MAN OF THIS HOUSE AND WHAT I SAY GOES in one ear and out the other.

Any time a child tries to guess my age.

Inventor of wicker furniture: I want this to break and injure someone eventually

“Sir… your family is dead. APRIL FOOLS!!!! Kidding!!! Your son made it! He’s in a coma! OMG You shoulda seen your face!”

– Worst ER doc

Just ONCE, I’d like took deep into your beautiful eyes, and make hot sweet love with you without some pop-up window ruining the mood.