Show me where it says it’s illegal for me to screaming “I’m an Aardvark” while running in the middle of the road. That’s what I thought
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You can take your favorite hat on vacation or you can take a junk hat in case you lose it. I have forgotten both.
A watched pot never boils but a pot left unattended burns. So you see my dilemma.
The incontinent optimist sees the bladder as half empty.
Math never tried to solve any of my problems.
The best way to surprise your girlfriend with flowers is by not giving them to her when your wife’s there.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
I can’t be the only one who hears “see you soon” as a threat.
“One day, I will create a global business-oriented social networking service”
– Abraham LinkedIn
HUSBAND: You dropped your phone, broke a glass, and frightened the dog.
ME: Yeah, but I killed the spider!
how…. how do u get sold out… of having no mayo????
Started out with a kiss how did it end up like this?
CDC: I thought we were pretty clear.
not to brag but I can almost always tell when it’s a car with antlers instead of an actual reindeer.
Whenever I miss my ex I think about the things I didnt like about him… Like his hairy behind and his wife.
He didn’t know that balancing your knife on the edge of the sink means you may make a second sandwich, so now we have some serious talking to do.
You know you’re single when the only calls you get at night are Nature’s.
Coworker: How’s your worksite?
Me: I can see my work fine thank you.
In hell your dog dresses you in goofy outfits.
[Catwoman’s Lair]
Robin: I hear someone.
Batman: Lets’s hide in this sandpit.
{5 min later}
R: This is a litter box isn’t it?
B: I think so.
Sheep
My wife asked me to toast some bread for her. So, I raised my beer and said, “Here’s to bread.”
I might be drinking too much…
Buying new glasses this week, so a whole bunch of you are about to get a whole lot uglier.
Bad guys in the 80s all had helicopters. If you saw a chopper in the sky it was either a news copter or a greasy bad guy trying to kill Michael Knight.
Me: [watching football]
Wife: [silently reading a book for three quarters of the game]
Announcer: That was a huge sack!
Wife: BAHAHAHA HUGE SACK
Does anyone else pack underwear for a trip like they’re planning on shitting themselves twice for every day they’re gone?
In 2020, five African grey parrots at a wildlife park in Lincolnshire had to be separated after they were found to be encouraging one another to swear. The park’s CEO commented, “We are quite used to parrots swearing… but for some reason these five relish it.”
VIRUS PRO TIP: DO NOT use your hands to press elevator buttons, etc. The virus can be transmitted onto your fingers which in turn can get you sick. I’ve found using my tongue works better bc theres no way it can get onto your hands
Not a creature was stirring, not even a… oops never mind, the Aussies are up.
My house looks amazing from the outside…as for the inside, its nothing that a decent fire wouldn’t fix
the joy of watching bob’s burgers on Disney+ is slightly diminished knowing Mickey is legally allowed to hunt me for sport because I signed up for the streaming service
What does Frankenstein drive?
A monster truck
I wish companies would use pictures of models looking frazzled and exhausted on their websites so I can get a real idea of what their clothes will look like on me