Show me where it says it’s illegal for me to screaming “I’m an Aardvark” while running in the middle of the road. That’s what I thought
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Serious talk at the office of replacing me with one of those fainting goats.
bank robber: everyone on the ground and drop whatever is in your hands!!
me: [holding a $9 Starbucks coffee, a tear rolls down my cheek] no
Black Friday Shopping Tips:
1. You don’t need anything
2. You can’t afford anything
3. You’ll just be in the way
Just saw a man park, walk into a movie theater, walk out two minutes later with a large popcorn and a fountain soda, get in his car, and drive away. A hero of our time.
[the clock strikes half past two]
dentist: my time has come
just bought $250 worth of there’s nothing to eat
Luke: forgive me father for I have sinned
Darth Vader:
[aquarium]
me: look at the chorse
wife: it’s seahorse
me: i know how to spell chorse linda
Ladies and gentlemen, cats…😑
The five stages of Sunday: depression, anger, bargaining, acceptance, HBO
Why didn’t Wile E. Coyote just spend all that Acme money to buy an actual dinner?
BIDEN: That went well.
OBAMA: Did you have to say you loved Trump’s sons in Twilight?
BIDEN: It’s what I do.
I told our stepmom that when you first log onto Zoom calls, you’re supposed to put your face close to the camera and open your mouth really wide so other callers can examine your teeth.
My brother just sent me an angry text.
“It’s our third date and you still wear that shirt?”
Honey, this all they have in prison.
[first day at seminary]
PRIEST: today we’ll be discussing judeo christian practices
ME: when do we learn kicks and takedowns
PRIEST: *rubs bridge of nose*
New menu item
Sorry random child at the playground that my daughter just invited to her birthday party 4 months from now. It’s never going to happen.
As a man with a beard, I can tell you, when you get sauce in there you just rub it in. It’s part of the beard now
Me: One time I ended up in the changing rooms at a football match in London and caught a glimpse of a naked footballer
Friend: Arsenal?
Me: No, just the front
Asking my friends for advice then turning around and asking the internet when I don’t like their answer.
if “Joker” had come out in 2020, it would be called “Normal Man”
If you need me, I’ll be right here for the next 35 years while my 4yo picks out a bedtime story to read
Wife: Do you love me just because my father left me a fortune?
Husband: Not at all honey, I would love you no matter who left you the money.
5: You guys picked me and 3 as your kids because we’re so good. You could have picked the bad kids that other parents chose.
Me to H: [whispers] Should we tell her that if we could have picked we would have chosen better kids than her and 3?
“There’s Dave”
Regular Dave or Dave who thinks he’s a hotdog and “f” is a vowel?
[cut to Dave writing in a book titled “Diary of an frank”]
Cop: Freeze!
Suspect: Try and catch me! *dives into Olive Garden’s bottomless pasta bowl*
Rookie: We gotta go after him!
Cop: No. He’s gone.
I just want to be as happy as the couple described in the first five minutes of any Dateline episode.
Dear people that brush your teeth in the bathroom at work: stop that. You don’t live here. Chew gum like the rest of us.
Turns out my teen wanted to leave for school early so we’d have time to watch Netflix in the car and not because she was eager to get to school. I know this now.