Show me where it says it’s illegal for me to screaming “I’m an Aardvark” while running in the middle of the road. That’s what I thought
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me: *kicks a stone*
mountain: my baby
I gave my Yorkie a haircut today. Now I know how lion wrestlers feel.
Worlds greatest photobomb
[1st date]
*ok don’t let her know you’re a manatee*
Hi 2 movie tickets OH YOU HAVE MANATEE PRICING?!?
“Sir, do you mean matinee?”
Dammit
There has never been a better time to go into a shoe store and surreptitiously stuff a note into the largest shoe you can find: “This used to be my family home, you b*****ds. Signed, Old Woman.”
I suffer from premature procrastination. It’s when you procrastinate before even receiving a task…
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
Jeez make one joke about putting cyanide in someone’s food and suddenly they don’t want you to cook for them anymore
My phone just told me my network was unstable.
Same, girl. Same.
My wife CLAIMS to be my best friend but she didn’t seemed all that psyched when I bragged about this girl at work I just made out with.
“I’m in a New York state of mind” ok so you’re just being rude to tourists and eating bagels
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who wanted his peanut butter and jelly sandwich cut into triangles until you cut it into triangles
Me: a calm, methodical Navy SEAL when I clog my own toilet
Also me: a terrified, incapable, frozen idiot when I clog yours
Me, sick: *filling up my Vicks humidifier*
Him: Is that… Are you filling that with vodka?
Me: Who are you my doctor? VAPOR IS VAPOR
love it when you say or do some common sense thing and the other person has “file not found” written all over their face
When a girl says “I’m cold” don’t be an idiot and say “me too”, instead say “well damn Jackie I can’t control the weather”
“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!!!”
(Seductively takes baby dragon out of Gucci purse & lights cigarette.)
“You scratch my back and I’ll scratch yours.”
Me: Are you sure you passed dermatology school?
Judge: how do u find the defendant
Me: he’s that dude in the orange jumpsuit your honor
Women’s deodorant: Spring Breeze, Lilac, Gentle Sunshine.
Men’s deodorant: Sport, Mountain, Forest Fire, Rage, Fistfight, Childhood Angst.
If dogs take after their owners, I need to work on my posture.
The package proclaims that the Nasoya® baked, marinated tofu is “Ready to Eat,” but I will be honest w/you, I have no idea what to feed it.
Shorty got
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
🔘 all of the above
I’ve been looking for the lid for this Tupperware container and somehow I’m now three weeks late for work.
I shutter to think of all the things my neighbors have seen me do through their blinds.
Me: You want some cereal?
2 year-old: Yay cereal!
Me: Want some Cinnamon Toast Crunch?
2: Yay cinnamon crack!
Me: Ok-wait, what??
What’s the sleaziest way of fitting four multiple choice options into one?
A) Be Seedy
How long do you have to work at KFC before they make you a colonel?
My next-door-neighbor is such a bitch that regardless of what she says to me; I simply reply, “You’re barking up the wrong tree.”