Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve got chills. They’re doing advanced calculus and quadratic equations.

I want what every woman wants at 2 am: Breakfast.

Damn girl are you a bra because ur very supportive but I can’t figure out how to get you off

I saw a silver squirrel running up a tree while walking my dog today, so you know what that means…

Nothing. It means absolutely nothing.

Just text my husband to tell him he left his phone behind & someone is calling him.

And now someone’s texting him.

GUY WHO INVENTED JACK-O-LANTERNS: I bet this gourd would be cooler if it looked like it wanted to murder me.

I swear I am going to sit in the parking lot and slam a bag of beef jerky before my dental hygienist appointment.

Make her earn every dollar of that teeth cleaning.

I only needed to open the last 7 presents I’d wrapped before I found the one I’d left the scissors in this year, which is nice.

[the funeral of the writer of the hokey-pokey]

funeral director: why is it taking so long to get him in the coffin?

employee: well every time i put his left leg in…

“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he roared his engine louder!”

-nobody ever

People really out here threatening to take twitter to court for suspending their account.

Me on my 5th acct: but, like why?

Firefighters should carry around water pistols like cops carry guns.

“I’ll be back for you real soon” I whisper to the leftover lasagne

We’ve taught our puppy to ring a bell whenever she’s wants to go outside so it basically sounds like a Salvation Army Training Facility in here.

Been doing a lot of soul searching as of late and still have not found that darn thing.

Sometimes I feel like my dog is deeply disappointed in my lack of concern about the potential dangers of allowing our neighbors walk by our house

stephen king’s mind:

what if dog…bad?
what if car…bad?
what if clown…bad?
what if hotel…bad?

[Barber gets out a small mirror to show an owl the back of its head]
Owl: No I got it *rotates*
Owl: Wait where’d it- *rotates*
Owl: Ok help

in the original Little Mermaid, Flounder was meatier. if you saw him on someone’s plate on a restaurant you’d go “i’ll have THAT.” This new one does not look appetizing and could not satisfy me.

I’ll be spending some time on my other account.
Be back later.

* if I’m not back later please read the message above again*

I enjoy driving because it combines my desire to sit with my talent for being angry.

Idea: Always carry around a chicken, so if you’re murdered your chalk outline won’t just be the same old boring shit.

[mall food court]

Me: *stomach rumbling* OMG not now
Brain: Too bad you hate using public washrooms
My White Undies: Sweet baby jesus no

I wish they’d just come up with a smoke detector that stops beeping when I yell “alright!”.

I’ve tried everywhere so I can confirm that there is no snooze button on a baby.

Her: I’m going to start cooking without butter.

Me: This isn’t going to work out.

Right about now, family members all over the country are realizing the Starbucks cards I gave them for Christmas are empty.

Just saw a grasshopper jump on cement.

THEY’RE EVOLVING.

How come those cross species adoption videos are always cats or dogs raising baby birds? Just once I’d like to see a hawk enthusiastically barfing into a kittens mouth.