Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I want ice cr-

Girl who studied abroad: the gelato in Italy is soooo much better than ice cream. Trust me, I’ve been to Italy

Me: Hello darkness, my old friend

Darkness: *rolls eyes*

[trying something new]
Me: I might mess this up.
Friend: Believe in yourself.
Me (determined): I WILL mess this up.

[when i invented the mirror]
oh look it’s that ugly guy from the pond

‘Becoming A Mother Has Been The Most Thrilling Experience Of My Life,’ Reports Woman Fleeing Hospital With Stolen Baby

My cousin is supposedly into taekwondo but he never finished his training.

He has a belt in partial arts

Did you ever have your parents hand you some cash, drop you off at the fair, and tell you they’ll pick you up in 8 hours? Work is the opposite of that.

{Police Job Interview}

Captain: Go out & kill 5 Blacks, 3 Mexicans & a kitten.

Recruit: Why kill a kitten?

Captain: You’re hired.

america: tremble at our nuclear might
also america: we skip the number 13 on elevators when we build skyscrapers cos that’s spooky

[Stares deeply into date’s eyes before going to the bathroom]
“I’ve counted these fries.”

I put an ad in Craigslist for a muscular blonde with strong arms, excessive body hair and a thick British accent so I’m dating Madonna now.

Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Was it the air guitar?
Cop: *shy* Yeah can… can I get your autograph?
Me: Happens all the time.
Cop: Thanks!
Me: Hey! This is a ticket!

Grandma said she thinks her new neighbors have got the gay.

“Dammit. I had shit planned today.”
— a spider being carried out of the house with a cup and piece of paper

Mom: did you get an A on your spanish test

Me: C

Mom: okay mr mexico 🤩

MY WIFE:We named you after our favorite songs. You were mine
LAYLA: I love that
ME: And you mine
THEME FROM DUCKTALES: No, yeah, I figured

Don’t donate your plasma. It’s a big scam and they’re just using it to make TVs.

one more hotdog left who wants it [jesus speed walks across jeff’s pool]

You can usually win any arm wrestling contest by simultaneously leaning in for a kiss.

I starting to think putting a lime in a coconut and drinking it all up isn’t even actual medical advice.

What a year we’ve had this week.

This is my emotional support online shopping cart

barista: name for the latte?
me: it’s Zach with an “h”
*two minutes later*
barista: i’ve got a latte for Hach

ME WATCHING SUCCESSION S01E01: so i guess these guys do business or something?

ME WATCHING SUCCESSION S02E10: roman’s bid to secure private funding would have won the proxy war but ultimately the capital wasn’t reliable enough to prevent the firm from h

I like to throw a fake punch at a hooker’s crotch. If she flinches, I know it’s a dude.

Auto correct doesn’t work when I use caps lock. My phone is like “woah, better let this dude cool down before I tell him he’s wrong”

The keys to a successful marriage include separate bank accounts, separate bathrooms, and separate Netflix profiles

Myers-Briggs is just astrology for men. Sorry, that was a Pisces thing for me to say.

do u think karl marx was a marxist bc of his last name or was it just a coincidence