Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

don’t ask me “what dat mouth do?” if you’re not prepared to hear it burp the alphabet.

Me: Can I get you a drink?

Her: I don’t know. Can you?

Me: *checking wallet* No.

My dogs are really bad about breaking into food bags so we moved everything out of reach.

Two days ago I joked to my wife they were going to learn how to open cans.

Yesterday I came home to a half eaten can of SPAM with the top chewed off.

Be careful what you put out there.

I’m a great multitasker. I can listen to you tell me your name and forget it at the exact same time

Worst Friday the 13th ever. Someone stole the baby Jason from our nativity set.

If I win the lottery, no one around me will be broke, and I truly mean that. I will move to a wealthy neighbourhood.

Febreze commercial:
“Now we remove her blindfold and…”

*has panic attack, stabs camera man, vomits, jumps out closed window*

One of my dogs was puking, i got up to deal with it and the other dog stole part of my dinner. This was not random. This was a planned event.

cop: do you know why I pulled you over?

me: I’m not psychic, Craig

cop: my name is Greg

me: I work at Starbucks

Fool me once shame on you,
Unless you’re speaking Spanish, then that’s eleven times and I probably deserved it.

[first day as a detective]

me: you say the suspect—she’s got legs?

zz top: yes sir

me: and she knows how to use them?

zz top: that’s right

me: *into walkie talkie* bring chun-li in for questioning

If you say “no ifs, ands, or buts”, then get ready for a shitload of “shoulds”, “as well as”, and “howevers”.

I washed my antibiotic pills down with a probiotic shake and now I’m back to square one.

If my bathroom scale were polite it would start off by telling me what a great personality I have.

This edible ain’t shit.

*5 minutes later

Is it just me or is it hungry in here?

If I see a dog in a hot car, I’m always troubled.
Why don’t I have a hot car like that?
How much does that dog make per year?

Doing word problems as a kid as helped me in adulthood. “Dan doesn’t have enough money for his bills, how long before he is homeless?”

“Everybody Dance Now” – C & C Music Factory
“20 sided Dice now” – D & D Music Factory

#LunchPun #RateMyPun

*slaps the cup out of the barista’s hand*
“No. I want Asriel, the guy with the man-bun, to make my latte. He has a better energy”

I accidentally bought the “Super Long & Extra Absorbent” maxi pads this month and I think that’s why I have dry mouth.

Just finished a series of paintings of mass murderers. A friend wants to put them on display but I think hanging’s too good for them.

They call it Windows 10 cause it takes 10 hours to do a update

If you want my body and you think I’m sexy, please stop buying your prescription glasses at Walmart.

Being the parent of a 7 yr old boy, I have washed many odd things when I forgot to check his pockets, but today wins: an entire potato.

I’m the most bashful person in the world, until you get me on the dance floor. Then I become the most bashful newborn giraffe in the world.

[tucking a hotdog behind my ear] I’m off for my run, babe. See you later.

Pelican: OMG she is gorgeous

Water buffalo: Who?

P: That beautiful flamingo over there.

WB: Go talk to her.

P: She’s way out of my league, I don’t think I can.

WB: What do I always tell you Gary? You’re a Pelican…

WB/P: …not a Pelicant.

I love it when companies with names like “Grandmas cookies” have ingredients like Thiamin mononitrate.

I remember waiting for the cookies to cool and licking the bromine off of the spoon. Good times.

4 told me we were playing hospital, and then told me to wait because she had to go get her cash register. Even at that age, they get it.

please stand back I’m about to make this worse