Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You totally had me at “I want you” and I was so excited, I completely missed the ” To leave me alone” part….Sorry my bad.

[Justice League Disney Hotel]

Me: can I have some help with my bags?

Aquaman: Sure. Water friends for.

There is no bond greater than the one between a Tupperware container and marinara sauce

Biggest fears:
4. Dancing in public
3. Spiders
2. Forgetting names
1. Dancing in public with spiders who’s names I forget

I’m in New Orleans for the weekend. It must be tough to be a drunk in this city, I’ve yet to encounter a level sidewalk

“We’ve got company.” Unwelcome news in a car chase. Scarcely better on your front porch.

When I’m older I want to be that guy in the park just shouting random advice like ‘make sure it TOUCHES THE EDGES!’

Good thing they had us dissect frogs in high school that prepared us for all the times in real life we’ve had to dissect frogs.

If you read enough tweets you can tell the approximate time the tweeter switched from coffee to alcohol

Looking back, my financial health took a turn for the worse right after I broke my piggy bank.

Him: Would you like to have lunch sometime?

Me: I like to have lunch every afternoon.

[Exorcism]
Priest: What is your name?
Demon: Jim
Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim?
Demon: Nice legs Carol
Wife: Let’s keep him. Next…

(Wedding)
Priest: They’ve written their vows

Wife: *recites beautiful vows*

Me: *takes out notecard* I love you and cheese the same amount

[Christmas morning]
Snake: Thank you for the present!
Snake 2: You’re welcome
[5 minutes later]
Snake: Yeah, I got no idea how to open it
Snake 2: Not sure how I even wrapped it

I thought I found a baby owl today that needed help. He was an adult pigmy owl who let me pick him up then clawed and bit me. He is free now

I had to dress up for a wedding today and when my 6 yr old saw me he exclaimed that I “looked beautiful! Just like Peaches!”

Peaches is our dog.

I don’t always cook dinner but when I do, I use every pan in the kitchen.

[1st date, don’t let her know you’re a panda]
“Do u mind if I ask how you got the um *gestures at eyes*
These? I..*rubs neck* cage fighting

-So YOU’RE the mother of this girl called..(checks notes) ..Riding Hood?
-Yes! Something happened to my beloved ch..
– Are you kidding me? You’re under arrest

god: you have outlived your purpose

dinosaurs: give us another chance

god: fine

dinosaur chicken nuggets: not like this

A man approached me at a bar and tried to woo me with burritos. This is next level genius.

Iron Man, Iron Man, does everything an Iron can
Gets real hot on a mat, makes your clothes get really flat
Look out! Here comes the Iron Man

“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.

SON: How are monster trucks made?

ME: Son, when a monster and a truck love each oth-

GF: [glares]

ME: He’s old enough for the facts, Jane

*grammar police reads ransom note*
“Bring the money hear in too days, or she dead”
*grammar cop dies*
“Damn, he had 2 days until retirement”

I am bored. Anyone need anything avenged?

Have the people who designed wine glasses ever washed dishes in their lives?

[cop knocks on the door of a steamed up car]
[I get out holding a bowl of melted butter & wearing a lobster bib] this better be important

I just did 5 crunches trying to get out of my lazy boy. When is it my turn to play aquaman