Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Apparently it is “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.

breaking into your house and inventorying your pantry so you know what you need the next time you go to costco

Twitter handles are like bands from the 90s. I don’t really remember anything they wrote, but when I see their name, I have a vague sense of whether I hate them or not.

I put out peanuts for the birds every morning and they have started bringing me elastic bands. I don’t speak bird, what could this mean, and do I have to eat the elastic bands now?

Spanish for wife – “esposa”
Spanish for handcuffs – “esposas”
Well played, Spanish

Saw Interstellar over the weekend & was totally glued to my seat. The movie was OK but the getting-glued-to-my-seat thing ruined it for me.

i came on this app to make friends and chew bubblegum… and im all out of gum

Like on Amazon or in our house?

[My response when my wife asks me if I can find something for her]

My job demands an awful lot of responsibility for someone who still hopes he wakes up with superpowers one day.

Pretty nervous about the guy who dropped out of mechanic school the second they showed us how to cut a brake line.

“Choose password”
> 123bob

“Password must not contain common names & must be complex with at least 50 characters”
> gameofthrones

“OK”

3YO: She’s eating my sandwich!

Me: Why are you eating her sandwich??

7YO: Because I thought she wasn’t looking!

Me: How’s it going?

Coworker: Can’t complain.

Me: Try harder.

Coworker: Life is meaningless.

Me: Atta boy.

[at a party]

*taps wife’s shoulder*

I’ve looked everywhere…where are all the swings?

(wife pulls away from kissing Bob)

“What?”

It is a truth universally acknowledged that no two people have the same interpretation of the words “We need to leave in ten minutes.”

All summer long: Kids are healthy.

5 minutes into the 1st day of school: Everyone has Ebola

when i wake up with no”good morning baby” text 😡

Am I supposed to present a monologue play while I use this toilet? Wtf is it on a stage for.

Free will was a mistake.

I should have charged for it.

The feeling of peace when amongst the trees quickly disappears when you notice a coyote nonchalantly walking towards you.

The human body is 75% water so we’re, basically, just lettuce with anxiety.

90% of parenting older kids is making sure they’re not in the same room when they have to do homework.

That awkward moment when you look over to give another driver a condescending look criticizing their driving and you nearly wreck and die.

imagine my surprise when i learned the word “briefly” does not, in fact, mean “underwearly”

It was my nieces birthday recently so I asked my sister what present I should get her. She said “you can’t really go wrong with Frozen stuff”.

So I got her a bag of peas.

I love babies cause they just cry upon waking up and it’s so honest

My younger co-workers were all watching a reel about flowbee and debating whether it was real or not so to be a part of the cool crowd convo I was like “I remember those!” and anyway that is not how you do that in case anyone was wondering.

Couldn’t find my credit card while in line at the market.

*panic sets in.

Then I remember…yesterday I gave it to my daughter to pick up take-out….So she still has it.

*extreme panic sets in

Me: Can I pet your dog?
Stranger: sure
M: one more time
S: uh, ok
M: again
S: maybe you should get your own
M: pet
S: we have to go
M: mine

Hungry? Have a snack
Tired? Have a snack
Cranky? Have a snack
Planning to take over the world? Have a snack

Snacks are ALWAYS the answer