Show me your pushy.
– Sean Connery shext
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I don’t know who the pun editor of the NY Post is, but the headline PEACHES’ DEATH IS STILL FUZZY deserves a citation and/or beating.
One thing about me, I’m a clear communicator
Cartoon orange juice is just pulp fiction
Do you know what happens after 8 tequila shots?
Me neither.
The older I get, the more sympathize with Squidward’s anger.
Hey guys, I almost did a backflip today!
EMT: Please try not to speak, sir.
Dance like you won’t be turned into a gif.
gross i hate the word moist! give me a wet cake. give me a wet, damp cupcake
besides smashing their face with a hammer, any other cures for snoring?
I’m gonna be upset when HBO starts killing off Sesame Street characters one by one Game Of Thrones style.
We grew up so poor we could only play duck duck.
My husband is helping me relax this morning by making the kids lunches. He’s asked me 57 times what goes in each lunchbox, and still hasn’t found the bread yet.
Took our kids to a restaurant again because we never learn our lesson.
Then they came for the bins, and I did not speak out, because I was not a bin man, and they were, and that was their job.
What’s the issue officer?
Officer: You have no idea why I pulled you over?
I have some ideas, but would like to hear your opinion first.
I have yet again allowed myself to get one year older. Thinking about doing it at least one more time.
Dilemma: Your daughter brings home a guy with an Insane Clown Posse t-shirt on but your garden is already completely full of corpses.
when someone rings the doorbell
i hope that everyone who forgot to wish me a happy national boston terrier day yesterday spends eternity burning in hell
This is how classically trained musicians beautifully battle on stage
coworker relationships are crazy because we don’t hangout or talk outside of work, but i know you tried to poison your husband once
Baby showers are so weird.
It’s like “hey, congrats on having a functional reproductive system”.
ME: What’s in the bag?
FRIEND: A bicycle helmet for my kid.
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: Well, you know-
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: …
ME: What’s in the bag?
I wonder how many times Batman had to rub one out in the Batmobile after fighting with Catwoman
After 8 years of research and an obscene amount of funding, we have determined that bat shit is no crazier than any other shit
13: *staring glumly at garden* Why so much spinach?
I’m staying in an Airbnb and an ice cream truck has just gone through the neighborhood for the fourth time today. I should pack and leave, right?
“Hey, Mr Tambourine Man, play a song for me.”
*shakes tambourine*
“Got any others?”
*shakes tambourine*
“Sounds a lot like the last one”
Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why didn’t you text me? I’ll never call you back. Like, ever. You’d have better luck with a telegram.