@Staggfilms

Show me your pushy.

– Sean Connery shext

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@chrisdowning

If you can pin an animal in the petting zoo down for a three count, you get to take it home.

@LovelyFilters

relationship status:

[ ] single

[ ] taken

[X] waiting for the spaceship to return

@climaxximus

genie: wishes should be limited

monkeys paw: and come with consequences

shooting star: don’t forget rare

birthday candle: yeah and secret

dandelion: ok you guys need to relax

@DropsNoPanties

Barista: Did you hear Netflix is raising its price $2 a month?

Me: Ridiculous! I won’t pay it!

B: here’s your coffee. $12.32

M: thank you

@KeetPotato

[wife comes home from work]
“why havent you done any of the things i asked you to”
[the dog walks past dressed as a policeman]
ive been busy

@justokpanda

Me: [attempting to warm up my 12th plate of tacquitos today]

My microwave:

@Daveastated

[During quarantine]

Kidnapper: 25,000 by this Sunday if you want to see your kids again.

Me: how about 40,000 and you keep them til next weekend?

@Jenn_H_Scott

I want to be the kind of person who eats half a grapefruit for breakfast and runs every morning but I also want to be happy

@krisv_723

You don’t care when my dog does it, is not an acceptable explanation for shitting on your neighbor’s lawn. I know this now.