If you can pin an animal in the petting zoo down for a three count, you get to take it home.
Show me your pushy.
– Sean Connery shext
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[X] waiting for the spaceship to return
genie: wishes should be limited
monkeys paw: and come with consequences
shooting star: don’t forget rare
birthday candle: yeah and secret
dandelion: ok you guys need to relax
Barista: Did you hear Netflix is raising its price $2 a month?
Me: Ridiculous! I won’t pay it!
B: here’s your coffee. $12.32
M: thank you
[wife comes home from work]
“why havent you done any of the things i asked you to”
[the dog walks past dressed as a policeman]
ive been busy
COP: Is this man bothering you, Sir?
ME: that’s my wife
Me: [attempting to warm up my 12th plate of tacquitos today]
Kidnapper: 25,000 by this Sunday if you want to see your kids again.
Me: how about 40,000 and you keep them til next weekend?
I want to be the kind of person who eats half a grapefruit for breakfast and runs every morning but I also want to be happy
You don’t care when my dog does it, is not an acceptable explanation for shitting on your neighbor’s lawn. I know this now.