[harry potter, college edition]
Voldemort: the boy who lived, come t-
Harry: yeah yeah just kill me already
Harry: i’m $100k in debt and i have a masters in communications
Voldemort: *giggling* on second thought nevermind
Show me your pushy.
– Sean Connery shext
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Me: Kensington, fetch me my robe.
K: You sold your robe and everything else you own so you could afford a butler.
Me: Hold me, Kensington.
Husband: I brought you flowers
Me: what did you do?
Husband: and a necklace
Me: oh god, it must be bad!
Husband: and some chocolates
Me: yeah, really dont care anymore – gimme.
“You’re not pretty enough. Now pay us $3.99 so we can tell you why.” – Magazines
*holding cardboard sign by intersection*
NOT POOR JUST ON MY WAY TO BREAK DANCING SCHOOL
Date night with me is like a game of Chess: I start off making the right moves, but by the end of it, I’m needlessly sacrificing bishops
I’m a pretty law abiding citizen, but overweight and out of shape security guards really make me want to test their commitment to the job.
Me: <throws caution to the wind>
Also Me: <panics and gathers up as many pieces of caution as possible before they scatter>
Juliet: Wherefore art thou, Romeo-
Romeo: Cool fact: wherefore means why
Romeo: So you’re asking why I am
Romeo [hand on her shoulder]: it’s because my dad banged my mom
I don’t think people understand the potential ramifications when they say to me “just be yourself”.