Show me your pushy.

– Sean Connery shext

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[harry potter, college edition]

Voldemort: the boy who lived, come t-

Harry: yeah yeah just kill me already

Voldemort: wh-what

Harry: i’m $100k in debt and i have a masters in communications

Voldemort: *giggling* on second thought nevermind


Me: Kensington, fetch me my robe.

K: You sold your robe and everything else you own so you could afford a butler.

Me: Hold me, Kensington.


Husband: I brought you flowers

Me: what did you do?

Husband: and a necklace

Me: oh god, it must be bad!

Husband: and some chocolates

Me: yeah, really dont care anymore – gimme.


“You’re not pretty enough. Now pay us $3.99 so we can tell you why.” – Magazines


*holding cardboard sign by intersection*


Date night with me is like a game of Chess: I start off making the right moves, but by the end of it, I’m needlessly sacrificing bishops


I’m a pretty law abiding citizen, but overweight and out of shape security guards really make me want to test their commitment to the job.


Me: <throws caution to the wind>
Also Me: <panics and gathers up as many pieces of caution as possible before they scatter>


Juliet: Wherefore art thou, Romeo-

Romeo: Cool fact: wherefore means why

Juliet: Well-

Romeo: So you’re asking why I am


Romeo [hand on her shoulder]: it’s because my dad banged my mom


I don’t think people understand the potential ramifications when they say to me “just be yourself”.