Show someone you hate them by buying them an Edible Arrangement.
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Financial independence now means getting your kids to eat most of their meals at the neighbors house
Little kid *stubbing toe*: Gosh dang it!
[heaven]
Gosh: Why is it only kids get my name right?
Jeez Louise: Tell me about it.
Me: You are NOT alone in this pandemic.
Wife: *on the toilet* I really wish I were.
the first guy to ride a horse was all like GIDDYUP HORSEY and the horse was all like DAMMIT WHO TOLD HIM THAT MAKES US GO
Quadruple digit IQ
her: my fantasy is eating whipped cream off each other, what’s yours
JRR Tolkien: *big breath in*
Adult black cat: looks like a pool of shadow, sleek, elegant, mysterious, walks in beauty like the night
Black kitten: looks like a sockful of soot halfway through exploding and is really confused and mad about it
If I worked at a pizza place I would use pepperoni to spell out “Marry me?” on pizzas all the time just to make things awkward for couples.
Hi, my name’s Ray. I’ll be drawing your blood today as soon as I finish this Capri Sun.
*misses hole 4 times then punches straw through bag*
Suddenly being asked for your thoughts in a meeting when you’ve spent the last 15 minutes thinking about which sandwich to have for lunch.
Sometimes Jesus appears on toast, sometimes pancakes, sometimes waffles. Always on breakfast food. Why? It’s the most important meal.
I sexually identify as the toaster you want to bathe with.
I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
I’m going to use colored chalk for your outline.
Husband: …
Wife: Don’t use that Band-Aid. It’s expired.
Me: How can a Band-Aid possibly go bad?
*puts on Band-Aid*
*bursts into flames*
Before asking for my advice, remember that I’ve been stuck upside down in a tree three times this week
MY NECK, MY BACK, A STRANGER TOOK MY CAT
I’m fat, so when I get mad, I get massive aggressive.
At the grocery store, buying 6 of the same item
Cashier: Are these good?
Me: No. I’m buying all of them just to save others from suffering
I was bored.
cw: what did you do at the weekend?
me: friends treated me to a bloated birthday meal
cw: I think you mean belated?
m: *recalling the deep-fried pufferfish* I know exactly what I mean
I have fired anyone at the company who has asked about the loud crying coming from my office
Gonna replace my friends’ hand sanitizer with lube and watch them rub their hands together for an hour while it doesn’t evaporate.
7 foot tall undergrad told me that he was going to have to miss class for a game and, not wanting to make assumptions, I asked him what team he was on and he just said “come on” lmao
Level of drunkenness: fed the ATM pizza.
“let’s put computers and keyboards in our cars. now let’s go catch all the people typing on tiny keyboards in their cars” – cops
I don’t eat bananas anymore cuz I can’t take the chance of someone taking a picture of me eating something healthy
Customer: can you help me?
Me: whoa hey look lady, I just work here okay?
Before twitter I would walk into a room and forget what I went in there for.
Now, I don’t even walk into the right room
This day in history. 1976. 80-year-old choreographer Busby Berkeley died tragically when he wandered absently into a circle of high kicking showgirls.