Show someone you hate them by buying them an Edible Arrangement.
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Autocorrect can suck a bag of docks
This has got to be the Twitter exchange of the day.
I’ve never been in love… But I imagine its similar to the feeling you get when you see your waiter arriving with your food.
Husband trained 5 well. Every time we have rain, she stands at the window with her hands on her hips and says, “we really needed this.”
If politicians can text my cell phone asking for money I should be able to text them directly with policy suggestions.
me: i wish for good health, to be rich, and finally….for your freedom
therapist: once again i am not a genie but you being here is starting to make more sense
Interviewer: your resume says you’re an excellent waiter
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer: holy shit you’re hired
All I want for Christmas is a survivalist training course so I can finally move to the woods, go off the grid, and not participate in society anymore until the government hunts me down and begs me to help them with a matter of national security, which I refuse.
[1st date]
So, what’s your back story?
“I have scoliosis”
No, I mean your BACK STORY, like your history
“Oh! I got scoliosis as a child”
Top 4 horrified face expressions:
4. dragged away by crocodile
3. stabbed by serial killer
2. mauled by bear
1. no toilet paper
Thanks for sending me all 67 of your kid’s Halloween photos. I’ll cherish them for …*DELETE*
Men always be like “if you liked me, why didn’t you say something” like ?! bro I am literally out here clutching my rose quartz pendant and saying your name three times with my eyes closed every night before I fall asleep.
What more could I have done?
I may be nodding and smiling, but I’m secretly diagnosing you.
Jack is coming over.
“Jack from work or Jack and the…”
[a beanstalk comes up through the floor and crashes through the ceiling]
*cheats at bowling by rolling into the pins*
Realized I never said “unquote” after reciting a famous poem in 10th grade. Sorry if you thought everything I’ve said since is Shakespeare
PIERRE GASLY WHAT IS THIS ????
I don’t dress for women. I don’t dress for men. I dress for the weather, mainly.
I go to the bank wearing a Ski mask because I want everyone to know how athletic I am.
I brought a glue gun to a knife fight. Those knives aren’t going anywhere.
Apple Watches your money go into their pocket.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘golfed’
“May I have it in a sentence please?”
Sure. He golfed with a tee.
“G-O-L-F-T”
I was just discussing this with my cat
My 7 month old loves when we read books to her but she loves eating the books even more
Me: “Did it hurt when you fell from heaven?”
Her:
Me: “I SAID, DID IT HUR-”
Medic: “Step aside sir”
Having your own bed while married is crazy—got my body plopped in the middle—-remote on one side—ipad on the other—bag of snickers over yonder
Boss-You’re Always the first one here!
Me-Hey,*early bird gets the worm, right?
*gets to poop or drink coffee without 3yr old interrupting
Haha no i do not care what people think of me. Why what have u heard tell me everything right now
2 halloweens ago I was brutally owned by a small child when I answered my door in normal clothes and she said “nice lumberjack costume.”
Synonym rolls all look different but taste the same