Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: was the “also” because the sun SETS or because the MOON rises?

Hemingway: couldn’t you have picked someone living to have dinner with

The Great Wall of China is one of the 7 wonders of the world just because it’s a Chinese product that’s lasted more than a month.

GOLDFISH: hi dog

DOG: hi grayfish

GOLDFISH: hi dog

DOG: u said that already

GOLDFISH: said what

Behemoth?
No. Hebebutterfly.

Not really getting much out of this Bring Your Daughter to Work Day, to be honest. It’s almost as if my 6yo had never used PowerPoint before

CIVIL WAR SPOILER: A lot of people in the South still don’t know they lost.

One day the mailman is going to murder my whole family and my dog will be like “Ha. Who needs to quit yapping and go lay down now?”

“Office worker” stock photos are scary. Anyone grinning ear-to-ear at a PowerPoint presentation probably has an ex-boyfriend in her freezer.

Reminded of the time I was at college, coming home to find my ma worried sick because there’d been rioting in Belfast. ‘I didn’t see any of it’, I said.

10 o’clock news comes on and there I am walking past a police land-rover being attacked with my headphones in. None the wiser.

Netflix: Because you watched that one movie that had Christmas lights in the background of a scene, here are 37 Netflix original holiday movies you might enjoy…

My wife is enjoying the attention I’ve been giving her lately & though painting a phone on her face is inconvenient, it’s saved our marriage

Roses are red,
violets are blue,
this poem is overused,
just like your mum.

Banned from Yelp for including “the rat seems to be vulnerable to attacks from behind or when adjusting mask” in my Chuck E Cheese review

Me: Did you use my highlighter?

2-year-old:

Me:

2:

Me:

2: No.

Apparently she’s always been neon yellow.

My superpower is hiding takeout containers from the food that I take credit for cooking.

Elderly woman at bus stop just said my son was “beautiful.” UM STEP OFF PERVERT UR LIKE 40x HIS AGE cc: @LAPD

My dream is to witness a brawl in a McDonald’s and then be the first guy to try to order after things die down.

[steps on scale]

Me *shrugs*: New year, more me

I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.

Lord, grant me the serenity to accept the terms and conditions I do not read.

*Sucks spider up in vacuum*

*panics*

*breaks a glass to vacuum up and finish him off*

I saw a group of kids trying to put another kid into a dumpster. I had to step in, they couldn’t even lift him. We high-fived & laughed.

My favorite part of The Nun Is when the priest goes “You’re gonna need a bigger nun.”

Open for business, 24/7

~my stomach

There’s an old man sittin’ next to me
Makin’ love to his napkin and knife
And he’s talkin’ with Davy who’s covered in gravy
And probably will be for life

So anyway that’s why you failed your health inspection. You can read the rest in the report.

*Neil Armstrong sets foot on moon:
“NO… BIG… QUOTE… PLANNED… AND… NOTHING… SPRINGS… TO… MIND”

Houston: Did you say “That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind”?
…
…
Neil Armstrong: uuuh, yes, yes I did

You aren’t supposed to strip during Zumba. Apparently.

Oh you’re a ceiling fan? Name 3 times I let you collect too much dust and should have cleaned you

Neighbor: OMG your yard looks amazing
Me: thanks, I pee in it every Saturday night

Febreeze works just like in the commercials, only instead of being impressed, mom comes home and says “it still smells like pot in here.”