Show someone you love them today by rearranging the apps on their phone.
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Our friends: [just married] we want kids
Me, to my wife: [excited] omg babe maybe they’ll take ours
The inventor of perforated paper has died.
RIP
I bet Amelia Earhart is just wandering around in an IKEA somewhere.
[son on his wedding day] dad what’s the best part of marriage?
[thinking about how there’s always bananas in the house] her smile
A policeman stops a car…
Policeman: “Whose car is this, where are you headed and what do you do for a living?”
Miner: “Mine.”
Her: Make your own Pizza Rolls.
Me: It says: Not to operate heavy machinery while using this medication.
Her: It’s an oven not a forklift.
who called it trying to conceive and not kidding?
My amazing grandma cooked me some meals and this is how she labeled this one. God bless her.
Me before kids: How could anyone NOT want to play with their kids? 🥺
Me two kids later: Oh.
for years you mocked us, you made fun of our over-sized purses full of goldfish crumbs, our hair ties on our wrists, our jackets just in case, but who do you need now? who has 6 half-full containers of hand-sanitizer stored in old bags around the house? that’s right. moms.
[kissing every meatball before loading it onto sub]
subway employee: I’m pretty sure you’re not supposed to do that
me: oh i don’t work here
me: hey cat what are you up to
cat: ʜᴀɪʟ ʟᴜᴄɪᴘᴜʀʀ
me: what
cat: meow
“Here’s your cup of Joe” – Joe at the sperm bank
It’s the weekend; time to get my nopes up.
Me: I’m terrified of heterosexuals
Therapist: Wait, let me get this straight –
Me: *explodes into a pile of glitter*
*holds Snickers under bathroom stall*
Does this smell funny?
guys I was hanging out at a coffeeshop/bar/restaurant and you’ll never guess what but a perfect strawman of my political enemies presented a well-constructed example of why they suck, within earshot of where I was sitting!
Whether you’re a fan of Hallowe’en or not, you have to give it credit for being the last line of defence against Christmas advancing even earlier into the year, a ragtag gang of goths holding the line against a battalion of baubled barbarians
I would run in my flip flops, but I don’t want you to fall in love with me.
Why is it cute when a baby falls asleep clutching a bottle and when I do it it’s “worrisome”?
INTERVIEWER: Do you have any references?
ME: I find your lack of faith disturbing.
INTERVIEWER: What?
ME: *leans in really close* That’s a Star Wars reference.
All week the kids have been asking me where the hairbrushes are, I just checked and they’re in the bathroom drawers exactly where they’re supposed to be, which is apparently very confusing for my children
My boss just texted me and said,“Send me one of your funny jokes please.”
I replied “ I’m working hard at the moment,I will send you one later.”He replied, “That was fantastic,send me another one.”
Facebook and Instagram are down so now I have to creep on my ex in person.
Killing spiders is easy and fulfilling if you imagine them whispering “You look fat in those pants”.
It takes me about 15 hours to fully wake up in the morning
“It’s definitely better without a condom” I say, removing it from my soup
I don’t eat dessert for dinner nearly as much as I thought I would when I was 8