Show someone you love them today by rearranging the apps on their phone.
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Doctors penmanship is so poor because they’re actually making fun of you to the pharmacist
A customer told me they were never coming back….
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if each time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something helpful like YOU’RE OVERCOOKING THE SALMON.
Me: Yeah like that, baby.
Him: *caresses my back, plays with my hair*
Me: *moans*
Him: *growls* I’m gonna do so many–
Me: *snores, drools*
people don’t get a second dog. they get their dog a dog
Me: I’m going to shower
6: you’re beautiful! You don’t need to shower!
Me: Aw, than-
6: just some make up would help
My husband washed the dog with my expensive shampoo again. I sure hope that crate is big enough for both of them to sleep in tonight.
parents: you are what you eat
kids:
I switched from the cutting wheel to pizza scissors and it’s like I spent the first half of my life trying to shave with a banana.
[text]
Her: I picked up buffalo wings.
Me: * moves furniture around
* rolls out plastic sheeting
Water Polo is one shark away from being the most entertaining sport around
Cat: WHERE AM GO?
Me: uh
Cat: PLS DO NOT SAY VET
Me: well
Me: um
Cat: U HAVE BETRAYED CAT
I left some new office rules in the break room of an office I don’t work at…
Dated a mime once – God was it good – he did sooooo many ~unspeakable things~to me ….
Friend: *crying* I’ve been to Hell and back.
Me: *hugging her* Did you bring me a souvenir?
I was 14 on tumblr stressed af about net neutrality, I ain’t even know what the shit meant
A: Just had to explain the difference between “mute” and “moot” to a younger co-worker.
Q: Why am I drinking out of a flask at work?
If I believed changing my profile picture could change the world I’d change it to a picture of vending machines that dispense tiger cubs
Walked into a spider web and did an hour of tai chi in five seconds.
me: can I get 20 nuggets and–
priest: this is a confessional, not a drive-thru
me: oh *sign of the cross* I confess I would like 20 nuggets and a large Sprite
May we all have the confidence of my 9y/o who told his father after a week of playing ymca soccer…“Well, I’m pretty much 40% as good as Messi now…”
Me: When I am elected President, I am going to gaslight everybody
(gets elected)
Me: I never said that.
Me: I’d like to adopt that baby.
Clerk: Sir, that’s a family sized
platter of Super Nachos.
“It’s five o’clock somewhere” I say as I leave work at 9am
The CDC has increased the 3 second rule to 2 minutes.
Amazon Review: Ghost costume
⭐☆☆☆☆
Do Not RecommendPoorly constructed sheet blew away when industrial fan was turned on. I would have gotten away with it if it weren’t for those meddling kids.
(drops a Cheetoh on the ground)
ants: seize him
how did this penguin get in my apartment??!?!
the whole world: we might not recover from the covid era for another 2 to 3 years these are truly dark times
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