Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wedding invites are always like: we reserved a block of hotel rooms at a discounted rate of $3,000 a night so book soon! No kids so please leave them at home or in the car. Also the closest airport is 4 hours away. Can’t wait to celebrate our love with you!

*runs a marathon how Mick Jagger dances*

telling my wife that netflix is voice enabled and watching her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the television has maybe been the greatest five minutes of my life

*drops some peanut butter on the table*(stares at it)

Husband: You’re not going to eat that, are you?

Me: NO! *eats it*

“There’s more than one way, to skin a cat.”

Things not to say to a woman, when they ask if you prefer shaved or trimmed.

I don’t mean to brag but I’m a lot more trouble than I’m worth.

Son: dad there’s a spider in my room!
Me: he’s more afraid of you than you are of him
Son: can you get rid of him
Me: no because I’m like ten times more afraid of him than he is of you

Maybe pack emergency supplies and not thirty-five different steam punk outfits next time.

*august*

y’all need jesus

*christmas ads start*

not like that

Am sitting in horrible traffic, but fortunately someone is beeping their horn so we should be on the move soon.

I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.

me: oh… exhibition game

rest of the basketball team: would you PLEASE put some clothes on

[phone rings]
“Hello?”
Hi, is your refrigerator running?
“WTF?”
…well Hillary is! Hi, I’d like to talk to you about the Clinton campaign.

ME: I’ll take that angry cantaloupe.
FRUIT STALL VENDOR: You mean the pineapple?

When I was 5 my life ambition was to ride on a parade float. That happened when I was 6.

I didn’t really plan past that, and still haven’t.

I’m tired of being the bigger person. Just once I want to be the smaller person. I want to be continually shrinking. I’d eventually love to be tiny enough to be carried around in someone’s pocket while shouting petty retorts.

Why did the chicken go to the gym?

To work on his pecks.

Dad joke:
Q: How can you tell the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer?
A: The taste.

Making out like this makes me hungry ever since I practiced kissing on my ham
Him: …
Me:…
Him: …
Me: …
Him: It’s “HAND”
Me: Say oink

Me: promise you won’t show anyone?

Him: promise

*sends pics

H: that’s pics of fruit snacks

M: you said you wanted pics of my goods

“So how did you two meet?”
“Unfortunately.”

I’ve literally never clicked copied and pasted text and thought, “I’m so glad it kept the formatting and font from the other document.”

*Watching Friday the 13th VII*

GF: This is the 7TH TIME a bunch of kids were murdered at that camp?

Me: Yeah.

GF: You’d think someone would have put up a sign by now.

My girlfriend just got the definition of mansplaining wrong and now I don’t know what to do.

Say what you want about Korn, but they really cornered the incorrectly spelled vegetable band name market.

Expect the unexporcupine.

If my boss knew I rated him “needs improvement” in last night’s sex dream, he probably wouldn’t have been so nice to me today.

Me: I have to go to a funeral.

Her: Oh, I’m so sorry. Who died?

Me: One of my clients… It’s a business funeral, not a pleasure funeral.

Don’t ask me for advice…I advocate breakups and crime.

Imagine the things Wile E. Coyote could have done if he’d had access to Amazon Prime Days.