Show up early for your interview. A day early. Lie motionless in a bush for twenty four hours. You got this.
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I asked a friend if he’d eat a piece of dog crap for $1K and he asked “From whose dog?” I’m having a hard time accepting that as a factor.
ART TEACHER: Why have you painted the water green again? It looks-
ME: I’m bringing *puts on sunglasses* Shrek sea back
AT: You’re expelled
I’d make a horrible movie murder victim.When I hear strange noises in the night I roll over and figure, eh, they’ll work themselves out.
Ok in hindsight “bite me” was a terrible safe word choice
Just walked to the mailbox and the neighbor drove his riding mower into a ditch. I would’ve helped him out, but I wasn’t wearing pants.
Him “You run like a gazelle.”
Me “I’m graceful?”
Him “No. You’d be easy prey for a mountain lion.”
“Google Earth gives you the freedom to journey across the ocean and take an intimate look at the pyramids.”
*Googles my ex’s house*
Geez man, take it easy.
I want to be in a heavy metal band just so I can scream terrible things at crowds of people and not be accused of having PMS.
Disney say they’re going to make Mickey Mouse’s hands smaller for “realism”.
Well, not on my watch.
OTHER KIDS IN RESTAURANT: Restlessly coloring on a placemat waiting for food.
MY KIDS: Have already flipped over a booth & set it on fire.
[I see a bug outside] Nature is marvelous
[I see a bug inside] This must be the deliverer of my death
I just watched a YouTuber apology video where the lady played a ukulele and said “the only thing I ever groomed was my two Persian cats.”
I ordered one of those Tempura mattresses. Way too crunchy.
Someone should have warned me, that when you have kids, they talk to you, like, ALL. THE. TIME.
Elon Musk Unveils Plan To Put A Meme On The Moon By 2022
[Jesus at Last Supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*opens jar of mayo*
Judas: I’m gonna stop u right there
since hollywood has run out of original ideas how about we switch it up with these remakes. let’s see a pixar version of terminator or quentin tarantino’s adaptation of pride and prejudice or lin manuel turn sharknado into a musical
husband: *picking up a hoodie lying on the chair*
me: technically it’s yours, but I’ll let you borrow it
husband: don’t worry, I know who wears the hoodie in this family
Kids will do something that makes you angry and you’ll tell them it makes you angry and they’ll cry and tell you they don’t want you to be angry while continuing to do the thing that makes you angry.
My daughter keeps ending up with glitter all over her face and she doesn’t know where its coming from. I keep asking her if she’s turned into a vampire and she doesn’t understand and it’s giving me life 😂
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you don’t deserve me at my worcestershire.
Lois Lane: “Clark, have you given any thought to contact lenses?”
Clark Kent: *starts sweating nervously*
“Daddy, how are babies made?”
“Well son, when a man and a woman have too much to drink..”
A N U S
B U T T
M U F F
~ My reply when the optometrist asks me to read the lower lines, regardless of what I see
my neighbor’s freakishly loud emu kept peeking in my window while i was trying to order an 8 ft, 132 lb chocolate sack ($500)
I gave up my aisle seat and took a middle seat so a mother and her son could sit together. It was ten minutes of feeling good about myself followed by three hours of hating a perfectly nice little boy.
there should be a three day weekend: one day to do Nothing, one day to do Something, and one day to do Laundry
My kids are so aware that I’m a bad driver that if I start the car before they have their seatbelts on, they cry.