Show your dominance by constantly giving HR new reasons to update the employee manual
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Concierge: Sorry, there is no record of your reservation and we have no spare rooms
Mary: Ok that does it, I want to see your manger
Why is such a large part of early childhood education learning what sounds animals make. That’s never going to come up. It’s not even important if they ever meet those animals. I’ve never said “moo” to a cow and have it go “thank you for learning about my culture”
Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.
do you actually wanna go to grad school or are you just depressed and were trained to find (fleeting) fulfillment in academic success
“the moon is made of cheese”
You’re an idiot
“And yet you seem to be unable to refute my claim! Is it perhaps that you have no logical rebuttal? Tis always the side with the weaker argument that must resort to name calling. 馃槒”
I even pretend not to be home for a knock-knock joke
One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.
These Brit awards outfits are getting stupid now.
POLICE! OPEN THE DOOR!
What’s the magic word?
[Cut to them back at the station staring at a chalkboard with dozens of words crossed off]
My dad had a new radiator fitted, then realised you could no longer open the drawer. So he remade the drawer like this to correct his mistake. This sort of thing explains a lot of my upbringing.
HOT LOCAL SINGLES WANT TO MEET YOU SO THEIR FELONIOUS BOYFRIENDS CAN STEAL YOUR I-PHONE
A guy just said he wants to know what I got “in the trunk”
I told him duct tape, a shovel and rapid decomposition powder
Flirting is hard
PSA: wild animals do not know to look away from the eclipse. Bring all them inside during it. Birds, raccoons, fox..all of em
T-Rex: I got stabbed by this huge Triceratops!
Doctor: How big were its horns?
T-Rex: *struggling to widen his arms*
Doctor: Just a baby then. You鈥檒l be fine.
I gotta say, I’ve never been in an Uber with red and blue lights!
Also, I don’t remember calling for one…
[drunk w/ 2 kittens at a bar]
give me another
“haven’t u had enough?”
i’ll tell u when i’ve had enough!
*bartender hands me another kitten*
How do you fix a broken condom?
Rubber cement.
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
Don鈥檛 touch the door handles
Don鈥檛 touch the light switches
Don鈥檛 touch the bedspread
Don鈥檛 touch the remote control-me, in this hotel room
i think every presidential candidate should get a worm in their brain. if the worm dies, they are disqualified. if it survives until election day, then the fattest worm wins
3 eggs may not feed my family, but I found 2 boxes of cake mix and Mama ’bout to turn water into wine.
Friend: What’s your favourite season?
Me: Of which show?
Friend: 馃槓
Me: 馃樁
Friend: 馃槙
Me: 馃槓
Me: 馃憖馃挱
Me: Oh you meant like.. the weather.
Imagining the meeting I call to apologize to my co-workers for posting a video in which I publicly accused them of plotting my murder.
Little Drummer boy: I have no gifts to bring
Mary: thats ok
Little Drummer Boy: I am a poor boy too
Mary: 馃檪
Jesus: *sleeping*
Little Drummer boy: just gonna bang TF outta these drums tho
Joseph: if you wake him up i swear to god
We’re living in two Stephen King novels. The Dead Zone and The Stand. If clowns show up I’m done.
What’s the new etiquette rule: am I supposed to wait until everyone is done photographing their meals before I start eating mine?
Forgetting how to clean the dishes and shooting them with a gun
*checks my Fitbit to see how many calories rejection burns*
in college, i was on a first date with a guy and like 10 minutes into the convo he asks me if i would change my major to education so as to homeschool our future children. i was like wtf no way and now 15 years later he just looked at my linkedin profile.
On the off chance you choose to start a rumor about me, please make it extra hot so I can live vicariously, thanks