Show your dominance by constantly giving HR new reasons to update the employee manual
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Just gonna wait to see how long it takes this police sketch artist to realize I’m describing him.
Never once in my life have I found a pen when I need it, so please explain to me why my toddler always has a pen in her hands.
When clowns first attacked these shores nobody took it seriously. It’s just one boat, how many could there be, they said.
I have a great story to tell u.
“Why don’t u just go write a book”
Wow, that’s-
“Don’t u dare say it-”
a novel idea.
“I’m moving out”
[at funeral] You really had to see him live
Scary: A wolf chasing you
Scarier: A werewolf chasing you
Scariest: A werewolf with a clipboard chasing you
Therapist: do what makes u happy and don’t do what makes u sad
Me: so happy music makes me happy
Therapist: yea
Me: and sad music makes me sad
Therapist: yea
Me: and I’m sad
Therapist: yea
Me: therefore I should listen to sad music
Therapist: so close
MTV Movie Awards comes on in 15 minutes if anyone needs a reason to turn off the TV and go to bed.
A surprise party on someone’s birthday isn’t surprising. A better time would be 3-4 months after their birthday, in the middle of the night.
me: raises hell
Hell: put me back down!
Someone just gave the agenda for the “third half” of our meeting. Guessing it won’t involve fractions.
Took an exam on ancient Persian culture.
I passed with flying carpets.
Fun fact: Whenever no one is looking at Mount Rushmore, the presidents’ heads all make out.
What if I never *dramatic pause* sleep *dramatic pause* a- *falls asleep during third dramatic pause*
Me: Are you done cleaning?
7-year-old: No.
Me: So what should you be doing?
7: Hiding.
She cleans like me.
I hate it when cops pull you over to give you pop quizzes like “do you know how fast you were going?”Or “is that a raccoon smoking a joint?”
I’m nobody’s type until they need blood or an organ
What goes “ooooooooo”?
A cow with no lips.
If sleeper cells advertised themselves as napping cells, they’d see a huge increase in membership.
Them: What would you do with a million dollars?
Me: Pay off student loans.
Them: And with the rest?
Me: lol “the rest.”
My college kid makes a Hot Pocket nearly everyday, and still reads the directions every time he cooks one.
Pet names convey familiarity and endearment. For example, honey pot, baby cakes, Succubus.
KANGAROO(tasting beer) *sips* This is too hoppy for me
[BrewMaster] I thought youd love “hoppy” beer lol
[Kangaroo] (sternly) That’s racist
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: How come Cinderella was able to talk to the mice but not the birds, cat or dog??
they should hide prizes in more boxes than just cereal, I’d love to reach into my laundry detergent and find a colour changing spoon
Applying for jobs sometimes is wild like how am i supposed to be passionate about a company I don’t even work for yet?
[A montage of me flailing because I walked into a spiders web, with larger and larger crowds, until I am at the karate championships]
Laundry needs to be put away.
I look at the basket.
The basket looks at me.
Old western shoot our music looms in the background.
Saving Private Ryan but it’s just me retrieving my daughters favourite toy that she’s dropped down the toilet
MIL: You have to teach them really young to pick up after themselves
Me: *watching my husband take off his socks and leave them in the middle of the living room*