Show your dominance by constantly giving HR new reasons to update the employee manual
You Might Also Like
Wife [interrogating]: How long have we been married dear?
Me: How dare you try and sneak maths into this.
The problem with thieves is that they take things literally.
the term “domestic housewife” implies the existence of a feral housewife and that is what i aspire to be
I don’t need money to buy happiness. I’m already happy. I just want the monies.
“men are scared of powerful women,” I whisper to myself as my 14th tinder date of the month leaves me alone at the bowling alley with my hand stuck in the ball return machine
St Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland, which was fantastic until they decided to become politicians
Son [doing homework]: What’s an example of a palindrome?
Me: Mom.
Son: Ugh. Fine. Mom can you give me an example of a palindrome?
Wife: Dad.
Son: OHMYGOD WHY WON’T YOU GUYS HELP ME
“Whatcha inventing?”
“I call it a picnic. It’s a meal but outside with bugs and a high risk of bear attack.”
“Can I bring my kids?”
“Sure.”
(On a date)
Her: the last guy I dated was really immature, so I ended it.
Me: haha yeah that was a good call…
*deletes ‘funny goat sounds’ app from my phone under the table*
Psychologist: I found that through a system of simple rewards I can train an animal to repeat a specific behavior.
Boss: Nice. Keep it up, Skinner, and you’ll get tenure.
[checking into a hotel]
Front desk employee: Thank you ma’am, we’ll make up a room for you right away
Me: aren’t… aren’t there real rooms here
11yo: Are we there yet?
Me: Minutes away
11yo: Technically we’re always minutes away from everything, we’re minutes away from death right now
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is when it gets dirty, you can just put it in the dishwasher.
What do we want?
“A CURE FOR PASSIVE AGGRESSION”When do we want it?
“Whatever, you decide. You’re the smart one.”
Have kids they said, they definitely won’t lose your right AirPod in the yard and run it over with the lawn mower they said.
What rhymes with Autoerotic Asphyxiation? Writing an obituary is hard.
My nephew Lyle just explained to me the “F” in “F Bomb” stands for “friendship.”
F Bombs for everyone! 😃
In no functioning society should the sentence “Someone stole my ape cartoon” be followed by “now my life savings are gone”
“I’m gonna sneak past you.” No you’re not. You’ve alerted me.
Hate when Walmart doesn’t have what I need & I have to go home, change out of my pajamas & brush my hair so I can go to Target
Escape rooms were invented by introverts. Only they would pay money to leave somewhere in less than an hour.
Nothing in a household is said more lovingly than, “Can you bring me some toilet paper?”
I’m probably at my sexiest when I’m moving my head around trying to see if it’s a smudge on my sunglasses or an eye floaty
[on trial for murder]
lawyer: have you ever eaten cereal with water
me: [sweating] I don’t see how that’s-
judge: answer the question
I’m just gonna make myself president. Nobody else ever seems to workout. Gotta do it yourself.
My son just walked into the room, said hello, asked how I was, then left.
He didn’t actually want anything.
I know! Incredible!
Oh and then I fainted.
I’m in that fun part of a relationship where everything is new and exciting and we are learning things about each other and I don’t poop.
I just want everyone to know my daughter is a monster. She is dipping french fries in honey mustard. I have failed as a mother.
I encourage my kids to do well in school so I don’t have to meet with their teachers.
One time in med school we had a lecture on the dangers of sleep deprivation and it was an Alanis Morissette level of irony that the lecture was at 7am.