Show your guy you love him by making him lasagna.
Write his name in the cheese.
Leave it on his porch.
His wife is home.
Write hers too.
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GOOD COP: He won’t talk except in sign language
BAD COP: I just cut off his left hand
BAD PUN COP: He still has the right to remain silent
People who say “adorbs” make me miserbs
SUPERMAN: *lifts an entire aircraft carrier*
THAT ONE GUY AT THE GYM: But what you really want is reps.
My kid asked me what gaslighting is but I didn’t know how to explain it so I just said it’s not a real thing
AMERICAN: *talking like it’s no big deal* Yeah I had to drive 47 hours to get home for thanksgiving
ME: *living in UK* If I drive in one direction for 20 minutes I fall into the sea
“911, how may I help you?”
“Quickly, pretend like you’re my girlfriend”
“Sir, this is for emergen–”
“AAAAW I LOVE YOU TOO HONEY‘!”
Shamrocks are the most dishonest of all the rocks.
By the age of 35, you should have seen off the threat of redundancy by using your control of your employer’s social media account to secure a pay increase.
I bought 4 bottles of wine and I seriously underestimated the severity of this quarantine.
“Church of England Formally Approves Female Bishops”. Congratulations British women! You can now move diagonally!
ME: I hate him with 1/16th of the fibers of my being
GUY: Not every fiber?
ME: I hate alot of people. I’m not wasting all my fibers on 1 guy
All I want for Christmas is an extra trash pickup day.
We got an electric blanket so now I call all of our other ones acoustic blankets.
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you, it’s the way you have to make everything into a joke. I can’t do it any more, I’m just too tired
Me: *sadly* like a bicycle?
Ex Girlfriend:…
Having children teaches you patience, humility, love and to never, ever, be surprised when you find a Barbie doll leg clogging the toilet.
Judge: how do u find the defendant
Me: he’s that dude in the orange jumpsuit your honor
Good morning to everyone except my son who asked why I haven’t had a real boyfriend in years.
I want “Diet starts tomorrow” written on my tombstone.
tornados are just a bunch of ghosts fighting over a cow.
me: my cup runneth over…
sperm bank receptionist: please take that off the counter.
At McDonalds looking at the menu through opera binoculars.
My husband ran 13 miles this morning for fun. I had cookies for breakfast. It’s nice to be the sane one for a change.
Me: *puts mistletoe over our heads* oooh you know what this means
Dementor: what the hell
Apostrophes are important.
“I fed the dog”
“I f’ed the dog”
Learn this simple rule. Your friendship with Sarah McLachlan depends on it.
Every Coronavirus post on Facebook should just start with, “First off, I have no idea what i’m talking about.”
The kids are in bed
It isn’t that late
But now I will pay
For all that I ate
After eating this cereal for 30 years I am still neither lucky nor charming.
This “violence in the workplace” seminar is only teaching us what we shouldn’t do. No fighting techniques or anything.
According to this frozen pizza box I’m a family of 4
The thought of two people colliding mid air while looking at their phones is the main reason I wish that humans could fly.