Show your guy you love him by making him lasagna.
Write his name in the cheese.
Leave it on his porch.
His wife is home.
Write hers too.
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*watching the first MI, Tom Cruise sends a message to max@job 3:14
me: pfft that’s not a valid email address format, no wonder it’s called Mission Impossible
wife:
me: I mean some of the other stuff seems pretty improbable too
37yo husband just bought himself clothes from Hollister. Please keep my family in your thoughts during this difficult time.
Sex is my cardio which is why I’m fat.
You look like the kind of person who would hit rock bottom and then start drilling.
8 asked if he could draw my face and was super proud of the result.
Unrelated, he now lives with a neighbour.
Being goth is hard. The curse on your boss is not working. Ravens are impossible to train. Deodorant marks on your black clothes. Ugh.
Gotta get to bed early-tomorrow I’m bringing down the recycling
[being eaten by a shark]
me: babe you’re using too much teeth
Confuse future archaeologists by burying human bones as if they’re riding dinosaur skeletons into battle.
Asks AI, “I nicked my leg shaving.”
AI results, “Remove leg”
Putting all my mental health eggs in the daily word game basket.
The Joker was right
DATING TIP: OFFER THEM WATER. PUT 2 STRAWS IN.
ROMANTIC WATER.
“Why did u jump off that bridge?”
My friend did it too
“Well if your friend jumped off a bridge would u?”
Yes. I literally just said that
History Trivia: In many photographs of Hitler,a golden retriever wearing a Nazi uniform can be seen. This is notorious war criminal Herr Bud
Sick of the media always blaming video games for the rise in fantastical jewel-seeking quests.
Ending all emails in 2022 with BING BONG!
I put the p in pants.
*in public restroom*
Mom in next stall, to toddler: No, honey. You don’t take your shoes off to go potty. You have to leave your shoes on.
Me, in my stall: *quietly puts my shoes back on*
I have AirPods now, the next step is somehow staying rich and staying humble
“The author clearly signals that this is a tale told by an unreliable narrator,” I explained, gesturing to the stack of forms.
The IRS agents were not amused.
Relationships: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job.
Why human bake at 86 degrees but chicken bake at 425
ME: Can you have it fixed by Friday?
ABACUS REPAIR GUY: I wouldn’t count on it.
ME: I know. How about Friday?
Its probably time to clean the microwave when you heat coffee and it comes out smelling like a burrito.
Dentist switches lamp on: “Now open wide”
Moth dental assistant: *repeatedly flies into bulb*
Dentist: “This has to stop Denise”
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: I’ve got 21K followers on Twitter.
Doctor: A simple “No” would have been sufficient.
How long do you have to work at KFC before they make you a colonel?
My fight or flight response has frequent flyer miles.