Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I have yellow mustard, grainy mustard, dry mustard, mustard seeds, Dijon mustard, and horseradish mustard. That part of my life is in order.

I want a girl who’s crazy, but considerate. Like, if she stays home on a Friday night, she’s not resting — she’s giving the world a break.

Me: They were out of tampons, so I got you a box of bandaids instead.

Her:

I’d change my name to laundry if it meant you’d think about doing me every day.

*man choking*
Is there a doc in the house?
*Dr Pepper rises*
*searches man’s pockets*
Hey ur no doctor!
*moustache falls off*
*it’s Mr Pibb*

Finally sorted the Tupperware cupboard. Only took 20 minutes and fifty seven days.

ME: You go thru space & time, just traveling alone?
DOCTOR WHO: Usually w/a companion
ME: Folks from space-time?
DW: God no 21st century UK

“Eat cheese and sin.”

This is… the best street art sticker I’ve ever seen?!

Squirrels before girls.

customer: I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese

me: sorry, we only take cash

manager: can I talk to you

[first day as a torturer]

Me: *throws stack of bills on the table* now call your doctors and the insurance company back and forth until you figure out what you need to pay.

Captive: *crying* I’m ready to talk.

When someone asks for advice about dumping their partner, they don’t mean in the woods.

I know that now.

[ Quarantine week 2 ]

We want to become self-sufficient so we planted our own tater tot tree.

[inventing oatmeal]

make sure it never comes out of the bowl once it dries

So many great jazz musicians were hardcore drug addicts because they had to put up with listening to so much jazz music all the time.

Will not visit my brother because he has an air mattress and I refuse to sleep without my Chinese throwing stars

I am the King of the Universe and I have a son and he occasionally appears on grilled-cheese sandwiches. #yup

I’m posting this because I’m honestly at a loss. I’ve been in this situationship for as long as I can remember & I need advice. There’s this guy & he’s honestly SO nice & he gets me whatever I want but he only visits once a year & only when I’m sleeping & then he just disappears.

I’m just curious if anyone has been through anything like this? Any advice? I don’t even have his number I just write him letters.

[restaurant]

waiter: how would you like your steak

me: i don’t know, medium?

medium: *gazes into crystal ball* you will like it a lot

Who has time to monitor followers/unfollowers?

I can barely keep track of my kids and I only have 1 of those.

Wait.

Two. I have 2 kids.

Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.

If anyone is stuck for a gift for me I’m a size 8 nights in Bora Bora

😂

*wife wonders where I am*
*hears every musical snowman in the store start singing*
*knows where I am*

Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.

I’d pay good monkey to see that!
You mean, good money?
*squints*
You hard of hearing or something?

The biggest lie in advertising is someone taking a bite of a hard shell taco & it not immediately exploding in their hands.

Remember when all bombs looked like a black bowling ball with a giant wick in the top? Yep, simpler times.

I bet the guy who invented pants wasn’t even wearing any pants when he invented them.

Finally found a job ad that didn’t mention ‘attention to detail’ or ‘team player’. Finally!