Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[at the mall]
“I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?”
“Sure, what’s his name?”
“Xander.”
“See, that’s why he ran off.”

In the UK we celebrate Thanksgiving as the day we managed to ship all our paranoid religious fundamentalists off to another continent.

I told my therapist that I thought I had imposter syndrome, but he said only talented people get that. So that’s a relief.

Any 4 pics of Alan Rickman together looks like an amazing 80’s new wave band you wish existed.

What if Waldo isn’t actually hiding, and he’s just photo bombing all of those pictures?

“Here mom, hold this.”

Translation: I own you now.

[accidentally calls teacher “mom”]

MY BRAIN: shit, play it cool. say something.

ME: what’s for dinner tonight

BRAIN: what

accidentally became important at work n its ruining my life

People that start a sentence with “Now I’m not trying to be rude” are either about to be rude, or about to sing Ignition by R Kelly.

I take my ibuprofen wrapped in cheese cause why should my dog have all the fun?

Amidst a decrease in airfare prices, WestJet has hiked the cost of checked bags and Flair has added a new credit card fee. Thankfully, Air Canada has stepped up and is offering an additional 50% off of your legroom!

if you become a ghost, don’t limit yourself to haunting houses. be the first to haunt a jellyfish exhibit! make a tulip your home and startle a bee. haunt a ball of yarn, get knit into a sweater. remember: it’s your soul that’s eternally damned, NOT your sense of style

Coronavirus is a middle school friend who’s mad at you for some reason but won’t tell you why “because you should know why” & you’re ignoring it & trying to act cool but everyone can see you’re slope shouldered/sad & this metaphor has gotten away from me LARA TELL ME WHAT I DID.

*chases cat around the house with a lint roller

Some of you wonder how I’m still married, pfft you should wonder how I got married in the first place.

Gave my family the wrong address for our beach rental. Hoping to get a couple days in before they find me.

Cereal box mascots would destroy sports team mascots in a fight and it wouldn’t even be close

Please stop putting flyers on my windshield in parking lots. I have no desire to see your new band called “Parking Violation”.

okay, i admit it. you’re wrong.

Sometimes when I’m having a particularly stressful day, I take a pregnancy test to remind myself that at least one thing in my life is still going as planned.

16: If you could pick your own pronouns, what would they be?

Me: Well, I can and I choose cheesecake.

16: Cheesecake isn’t a pronoun.

Me: Yes, but everyone loves cheesecake.

16: Exactly, pick something else.

Your an idiot.
-You’re.
What?
-You’re not your.
But I said it. I didn’t type it. We’re talking.
-Yeah but I heard the typo.
You’re an idiot.

Wife: You were right.
Me: Say it again.
Wife: You were right.
Me: Again.
Wife: You were right.
Me: One more time.
Wife: You wer-

*wakes up*

Boss: HR wants to see you

Me: What for?

Boss: Mandatory drug test

Me: Oh man, I really can’t do any more drugs after the weekend I had

[Shopping]
Him: Those cans aren’t dented, right? I don’t want botulism.
Me: Don’t worry. The arsenic I put in your food will balance it out.

I asked my waitress if she thought me eating alone was embarrassing and she said, “I work at Cheesecake Factory”

This day in history. 2008. The entire staff of the Canadian Oxford Dictionary was fired. Now damned if I know if it’s moustache or mustache.

[Murderer chasing me]

Murderer: YOU’VE DROPPED YOUR WALLET

Me: oh, I thought you wanted to kill me

Murderer: *ruffles my hair* I’m a murderer, not a thief! *starts stabbing me*

“Oh hey, Bill, you’re home early.”

The escalator at the gym is broken, this is BULLSHIT.