Show your neighbor they shouldn’t park their boat outside of their house by filling it with two of every animal.
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She believed me when i said concentration camps were for people with Attention Deficit Disorder.
it’s amazing how alcohol feels great and also has zero negative longterm side effects
Some women complain that their husbands aren’t observant, not me. I’ve been wearing a new ruby ring (that my husband doesn’t know he bought me) for 3 days now and I’m thrilled he hasn’t noticed.
If someone at the party talks about tossing the salad I instinctively look to see who is trying to hold in their giggles.
the inventor of archery: man i wanna stab that guy over there
Let’s join our hands together and pray for my husband who very tragically compared me to my mother.
saying goodnight to the group chat only to go to the other group chat with 27 of the same people
bumping into a hot professor in the hallway and dropping my folder full of printed out pictures of the Green M&M
I’m going to need a moment here.
Women have a good 6th sense. I smiled at a girl in the mall once. When I got home I opened the door and my wife met me with a drop kick.
[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [looking at menu] what page are u on
somewhere, in an alternate universe
[1st date]
Me: don’t let him know you’re a lobster
Him: we should check out my hot-tub later
Me: ‘yeah…sure’ *nervously clicks claws*
Two robbers were robbing a liquor store when one robber grabs a bottle and asks the other robber “is this whiskey?”
The other says “yeah but not as whiskey as wobbing a bank”.
Yes, I would take a bullet for you.
We’re still talking about shoplifting at the ammo store right?
Human: we have a color named after you!
Salmon: really? is it silvery blue like my outsides?
Human: no, uh–
Salmon: wait why is it pink?
Human: …
Salmon: WHY IS IT PINK
My children’s inheritance is just 2,000 bottles of partially used nail polish.
“Either shave your legs or kiss me”
Wife:
4 firefighters show up
Firefighter 1: next time, just spray the snake with water. they hate that, they’ll leave you alone — real simple
Wife: If it was so simple, why did you bring 4 guys?
Check mate
[Party]
Her: *Nervous* I don’t know anybody
Him: It’s ok I’ll introduce you *into mic* hailing from Detroit & weighing in at I dunno 180lb
Happy Father’s day to all the dads out there trying to keep the front door closed so u don’t AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD. COME ON
Her: I’m breaking up with you
Me: Don’t leave me oh please! Why?
Her: It’s the way you have to arrange every sentence you say alphabetically, it’s weird.
Me: No oh 🙁
afraid of taking two toddlers on an outing alone? take the single seat stroller thereby assuring the kids will fight relentlessly over it and forget about running off. follow me for more dashing parenting tips
Me: sorry I can’t make it to your party tonight but I’m kinda popular & I can’t jeopardise that by being seen with you..
Daughter: wtf dad?
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is if you get too drunk at the bar you can just carry it home.
Homeschooling day 3
Lessons finished hours ago and the kids are still here, do I just put them outside and hope someone collects them or…
[Doing a crossword quiz]
Wife: what is an exclamation of impatience. 6 letters.
Me: “faaark”?
Me: What are you excited to see at the aquarium?
2: Giraffes!
Me: There’s only water animals there
2: Cows!
[at a bar]
*creepy dude is hitting on me*
Me: you wanna get outta here?
Him: yeah
Me: cool. I would love it if you left.
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops