Show yourself some self-love.
No. Not in public.
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Both of my boys are heading back to college, leaving me alone to defend the thermostat against my wife and daughters.
Pumpkin spice season comes earlier every year and yet some still deny climate change.
” Why of course I would like to stop in the middle of this huge task I’m doing to look at pictures of everyone in your huge family opening christmas presents colleague that I barely know”
Server: Everything ok over here?
Me: Yes, thank you.*2 minutes later*
Server: Still doing ok?
Me: Things have taken a dark turn I fear.
My wife’s biggest fear isn’t that we’ll die from Coronavirus, it’s that we’ll die from Coronavirus and the kids will go through our stuff and find out that mom and dad were into some really freaky shit.
Windows
britney spears working at an ice cream shop called scoops i did it again.
Wife: OMG this checker is so slow at the grocery store
Me doing the self-checkout: I can hear you
kidnappers: get in the car
me: i want to sit in front
It’s been a horrible day. This morning my ex got ran over by a fed ex truck. Then I lost my job at fed ex.
I realize that choosing a pasta can be a confusing and difficult decision, but for the love of all that is holy, move your cart to the side.
The stages of giving my dog a new stuffy:
1) oh my god for me?!
2) this is the best day ever
3) this house is full of thieves trust no one
{first time watching golf}
why do these guys hate that egg so much?
wife: Why did you drink all the rum?
me: I lost the cap
All it took was a skirt and one strong gust of wind and all of a sudden, my spirit animal is Hello Kitty.
I went to AutoZone and asked for window shield wipers. Window shield. I can never go back.
Girlfriend: [breaking up with me by phone] Hopefully someday it’ll be clear but you and I are not the same.
Me: Obviously not. They’re two different letters.
*click
[Red Lobster]
Waiter: we’re offering Endless Shrimp.
Me: bring me the endless shrimp
<5 days later>
Waiter: please leave, I have a family
Me: Guinness (dog) you want some bacon?
Siri: I’m completely satisfied with what I got!
Guinness: …
(tilts her head)
If it says “typing” for more then 2 minutes… you’re gonna have a bad time.
A woman rammed her grocery cart into mine and didn’t apologize, so I followed her around the store and took things out of her cart when she wasn’t looking.
Please don’t delete your tweet. Yes, it was pretty stupid, but my reply to it was a masterpiece.
*somehow manages to beep at you sarcastically*
There is no “ea” in Tim.
*walks into work 20 minutes late*
*boss glares at me*
“Sorry. Traffic.”
*boss gestures to my Starbucks cup*
“Oh this? I found it.”
You can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make it swim
Girlfriend: *twirls hair* so tell me what you like about me the most
Me: probably your willingness to date me
4yo: can you get this open for me?
Me: oomph this is kinda tough
4yo: use your claws
20’s: I am invincible!
40’s: I am very vincible