Show yourself some self-love.
No. Not in public.
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SEA LION 1: “More like shark *weak* amirite?”
SEA LION 2: “Hahaha”
SHARK: “Hey guys, what ya watching?”
[Sea lions jump onto ceiling fan]
what I say: WE RIDE AT DAWN
what I mean: Let’s meet at noonish for brunch and a nature walk
As an ultimate act of selflessness, someday I will travel to a 3rd world country and adopt a small, less fortunate highway.
I caught my husband eating the last of the ice cream last night. First of all, we are supposed to be dieting together. Second of all, I was going to eat that.
the sun is so successful because it has the perfect bedtime and morning routines
I hate when I toss some cold pizza in the microwave, check Twitter real quick and when I come back I’ve missed 3 mortgage payments.
When I see snails in my path, I like to gently pick them up out of if harms way, and ‘whizz’ them magically a few metres, and plop them where they were headed. Keeps them safe, but I also like to think they later share their teleportation tales with other snails.
My swear jar has cards in it you take out and scream whatever’s written on them.
Mary: I’m pregnant
Joseph: but how you’re a virgin
Mary: oh god
Joseph: okay makes sense
Why do they sell clementines in an orange fish net package? They’re already sexy.
What do we want?!
A WRITER WHO CAN WRITE SHORTER PROTEST CHANTS FOR US THAT SUCCINCTLY ILLUSTRATE OUR DEMANDS!
When do we want it?!
NOW!
GIRLFRIEND: I think maybe you’re reading into this.
ME: *Stops packing my suitcase and holds up the one curly fry in with my regular fries* Why would this happen unless I’d been chosen for something?
me: how’d the date go
friend: i got ghosted
me: wow that’s crazy how did the pottery turn out
nothing turns on a necrophiliac detective like cold, hard evidence
I PowerWashed the scale this morning because it kept calling me dirty names, like fat.
Me: Sorry can’t come over, I’m snowed in
MIL: But it’s the middle of summer
Me: snowed in
MIL: and hot
Me: snowed in
MIL: it sum…
Me: SNOW
My daughter wants to be really scary this Halloween so instead of a costume she is going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
I can literally trace the moment my career died back to when my boss said he was in back-to-back meetings and I said “isn’t face-to-face better”
[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
Me: can you make sure this diamond ring is in the bottom of her drink? I want it to be a really special moment
McDonald’s employee: ok
Telling my kids this is why dinosaurs went extinct
*in hell*
Devil: so what are you here for
Them: I invented ice breaker activities
“You deleted your search history. Good move. But you forgot about something…”
*cop gets all up in suspect’s face*
“Targeted. Banner. Ads.”
That’s weird, my waitress stopped flirting after I paid the bill…
Thelma and Louise driving off a cliff, but it’s just me holding my friend’s hand until the scary part of the car wash is over
I was going to fake my own death but I didn’t want to have to start a new Twitter account from scratch.
I don’t need lip fillers. I have two toddlers constantly head-butting me.
(guy glaring at me because he wants to use the stationary bike) *adds 72 hours to cardio workout*
I hate it when women announce they’re pregnant five minutes after they’ve peed on a stick, just for the attention.
My mom waited almost 20 years before she told anyone about me. It’s called decorum.