Showed my 5yo some videos of mimes and explained mimes never speak and now we’re playing mimes don’t ruin this for us.
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if I ever have a daughter I’m gonna name her Erica but spell it Airwrecka
Me: I lost 35 pounds today.
Wife: [sigh] Can you stop saying that every time you lose our oldest child?
Sex is great but have you ever perfectly clapped the hand clapping part of a song?
I’m forming a Wham! cover band with 3 other bald guys called Hairless Whisper.
I’m quitting my job to pursue my dream of quitting my job.
I was playing COD when me and this kid started arguing… then this kid started giggling, and said Wendy’s. Without thinking I said “Wendy’s?” I got hit with the loudest “Wendy’s balls hit your forehead bitch” Ive never left a lobby so fast in my life.
Wife: Do you think something is wrong with our toddler?
Me: Yeah but to be fair I think something is wrong with EVERY toddler.
Death: your time has come.
Me: no! not now!
Death: yes now.
Me: but… I have to poop?
Death: ……damn it. Go on then.
Me: wow that actually worked.
My toddler: *nods sagely*
Read It and Weep: A Book on How to Cry
10 wants everyone to know i’m a horrible parent who never lets him have a friend spend the night tonight. even though he and his friend have spent the night at each others houses back and forth since Monday. kbye
My wife does this cute thing now & then where she goes out shopping for next years yard sale items.
So You Think You Can Peel A Kiwi
Packing in my 20s: Toothbrush and bikini
Packing in my 30s: Those things plus a swim suit cover up, 3 face creams, hair products to cover up postpartum hair loss, spanks, sensible shoes, and denture cream.
The cool thing about being a procrastinator is really bad ideas also don’t ever make it off the ground.
girlfriend: I’m seeing someone behind your back
me: *believes in ghosts* is it my grandpa
Just wrote “58008” on my calculator app and when I turned it upside-down, it auto-orientated back to the right way up.
I hate the future.
Groot is a tree but he doesn’t have roots. They should just call him G.
Ethan isn’t playing around this semester
Pet Store Cashier: “Would you like a bag?”
Me: “Yes, I’d like a bag for my bag of birdseed.”
I keep getting blocked by my old math teachers on Facebook for messaging them stuff like “remember when you said I wasn’t always gonna have a calculator in my pocket”
The Macarena was just a tutorial on how to fold a sweater.
ME: We’ve developed a fear of boy bands
WIFE: At the same time
THERAPIST: In sync?
TOGETHER: *screams*
If I’m ever murdered, it will be because I said something absolutely perfect to someone with no sense of humor.
i used to think i was final girl material, but i’m actually the one who’s killed while frantically searching for her glasses
Me (getting choked): who called it getting new tires
Guy (who is choking me): how are you breathing
Me (dying): and not a retirement plan
Sorry I called you an imbecile.
I should’ve realized I would have to explain to you what that means.
Avalanches won my recent poll of the world’s favourite natural disasters, by a landslide.
Maybe there’s no sunshine when he’s gone, but at least I don’t have to fight over the remote.
be nice to me or i will put you in the soup
Me: [giving eulogy] He was a good man. He was a kind man. He was born to the blade, and merciless. He had a secret robot arm that shot out the side of his head. He was nine inches tall and invisible on Tuesdays. He wanted you to know the truth let go of me they need to hear this