Showed my 5yo some videos of mimes and explained mimes never speak and now we’re playing mimes don’t ruin this for us.
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ufo crew: why are we hovering?
ufo captain: i wanna pet those dogs
ufo crew: why not land?
ufo cap: those talking monkeys are annoying af
[trying to unhook a bra]
*kung fu noises*
[campfire]
And that’s when he realized… HE FORGOT TO ENABLE WIFI AND WATCHED 5 SEASONS USING HIS DATA PLAN
[everyone screams in terror]
literally writing this tweet because my dad’s gf was telling me about her crystals for the last hour straight and I couldn’t take it anymore. if she asks, u guys are the friend who thinks they got chlamydia
Wife: We named you after Grandma
Me: Yes that was my idea!
Grandma: They all laugh at me at school
When emails tell me to “Act Now!,” I immediately start reciting lines from Shakespeare.
[edits wikipedia so the facts i made up for my school paper work]
Pearly whites? I assume you mean my legs.
Don’t look at me like that, daycare lady. Yes, my 3-year-old is wearing shorts and two sweaters. When I’m late, I negotiate with terrorists.
HI MOM. YOU’RE GONNA BE SO PROUD. I JUST WON AN ARGUMENT ON THE INTERNET. Sorry caps lock was still on from the argument. But I won.
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up.
Me, responding to an urgent email on Monday morning that I definitely saw on Friday at 4 PM
Dollar General is too expensive for me. I’m looking for the 50 Cent Lieutenant Colonel.
I confused the words “tinker” and “tinkle” and my neighbor no longer wants help with her computer.
Me 🙂
My brain: there are dudes in prison who manage to find girlfriends on the outside, but you can’t get someone to text you back
Me 🙁
me: babe, i think we’re ready to take this to the next level. here’s a key, i want you to move in
her: it says volvo on it
waiter: did you enjoy your meal
me: honestly not really
waiter: yeah your meal sucked. why would you order that. back in the kitchen we were all like why the hell did he order this. it was hilarious. jesus christ man. gotta be one of the worst orders ever
“Uhm, EXCUSE me, my eyes are out HERE.” — Hammerhead sharks
It takes a lot of courage for a man to admit his wife is wrong…
my kid wanted me to play but i was tired so i told her to make a friend so she drew a face on a balloon and named him green greevy and now i have to get him snacks too and thats how i got played by a four year old
Harrison Ford just turned up at my AA group. I’ve never seen Han so low.
*Tears off break away pants as I approach the breakfast buffet*
Me: the refrigerator wasn’t built for this
Her: all the food?
Me: no this penguin
You don’t want to see me when you’re angry.
After I tucked my 3yo into bed he handed me his water cup and said “you can freshen this on your way out”. I updated my resume to reflect my experience running a hotel.
Why are there commentators for televised sports?
We can figure out what’s going on live, but can’t while watching it on tv?
*Gets called into HR
Me: What was I accused of now?
HR: I haven’t had any sexual harassment claims against you lately. Is everything ok?
Getting married soon just need a spouse
Parenting Tip:
Replace the word “nightmare” with “adventure”.
“This common core homework is an adventure for us both!”
“Grandma made us asparagus quiche so we can try an adventure meal!”
“Your endless harmonica practicing will haunt my deepest adventures.”
FRIEND: let’s hang out
ME: *takes out my accordion*
ENEMY: I changed my mind