Showed my 9yo some of his newborn pics and he very helpfully pointed out that I looked a lot younger back then
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[first date]
Him: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a meteorologist.
Him: Cool. I love meat.
[Baby shower]
Mom-to-be, opening my gift: What’s this?
Me: A lock box.
MTB: For what?
Me: Your office supplies: tape, scissors, pens…
MTB:
Me: You’ll thank me in 5 years.
Damn … History Channel 😀
#archaeohistories
Don’t You (Forget About Me) is my favorite song about laundry I left in the washing machine.
3 am phone call, “Hey, are you asleep?” Nope, Im skydiving.
Cookie Monster: C is for cookie, that’s good enough for me
Spelling bee judge: You have to do the whole word
airports should have little side-quests available for ppl stuck in a layover
If you eat a whole taco before your family gets to the table they won’t know you started without them
You smell amazing. Like a hotdog.
– Me, flirting.
dating my last boyfriend was like being on the bachelor but not knowing I was on the bachelor
[kid watching an episode of The Flintstones for the first time]
“They made a show based on vitamins? This is dumb.”
If you put your face really close to a neck tattoo & slowly pull away, you can see a hidden design of the unemployment office.
Everybody please go potty because after we rob this bank we’re not gonna stop again for a while
ME: “My time machine works! I just killed Bobby Hitler!”
FRIEND: “You mean baby Hitler?”
ME:
FRIEND:
ME:”I’ll be right back.”
Continental cheese: We used a process unchanged for 600 years and aged it in a cave for two years
British cheese: We briefly scared a cow
American cheese: We fed some descriptions of cheese into an AI engine
meeting the person who is training you at a new job is exactly like when a baby duck imprints on its mother. following them around clueless as shit. someone else will be like hey can you send this email and it’s like no i’m not sure i can. i’ve never done that without jeremy
Inuits have 50 words for snow. Brits have 50 things named pudding
Me: “I need a home improvement loan.”
Banker: “What will you be using the money for?”
Me: “A divorce lawyer.”
Dance like theres no tomorrow OH MY GOD THERES NO TOMORROW WHY ARE WE DANCING
Whoever invented the spoon caused quite a stir.
Harder!
Faster!
A little to the left.
Yeah, that’s the spot.Me, watching my husband scrub the shower.
Remember two years ago when we found out aliens exist but were too busy fighting over toilet paper to care? Good times.
My quest began, passing through the forest of enlightenment, ascending the mount of discovery, galloping over the fields of ruin, and I reached the sacred place. Why is the taco bell toilet so far from the serving area anyway
PARENTING TIP: Never, at any time or under any circumstance, say yes.
WHAT are birds so happy about at 7am? What? Oh, right. Pooping while airborne. Good one.
[Takes dog to park]
*waits for romantic comedy to begin
doctor: i have good news and bad news. the bad news is your wife is going to be a widow
me: [devastated] what’s the good news
doctor: [pulls out engagement ring] not for long
Sure, you can get your wife jewelry or an expensive purse or perfume for Christmas, but she will never forget the Christmas you got her a mop. Never.
If possums have taught me anything, it’s how to dramatically play dead when anyone comes over unannounced.
“Remember that man you met for 5 seconds when you were 2 months old? Let me catch you up on his medical history”
-my relatives