Showed my mom a pic of a guy I thought was hot and she said he looked just like my dad when he was young and now Christmas is ruined
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#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
Did Ace of Base ever do another song wherein it was explained what happened to her original baby?
dont think ive ever laughed as hard over a halloween costume
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doctor: get ready to say “aaah”
me: why are we on the roof
All I’m saying is Dorothy from The Wizard Of Oz has more confirmed kills than Willy Wonka.
At the grocery store and forgot my wife’s list, but no worries I’m sure there’s another dad here that I can copy off of.
WWE is French for “yes”
My current diet all ends with an S.
Pizzas.
Hamburgers.
Tacos.
Nachos.
Everything that’s in sights.
Is Mercury still in the microwave?
Good cop: you two could go away for six years each for this
Add cop: for a total of twelve years between you
When I see an Olympic figure skater fall down, I feel represented.
thinking about eating a lot of candy. which i have obtained legaly, through the trick or treat system, for many years
[Watching the sunset over Paris]
BF: My darling *goes down on one knee*
GF: OH MY GOD!!
BF: THIS is how I proposed to my last girlfriend
HER: *spitting out food* This is GROSS! What did you put in this?
ME: Old Spice. Just like you said to.
HER: I said ALL spice, you idiot!
[enters elevator]
Me: *audible toot*
Them:
Me: I am not here to make friends.
sometimes when I think that I might be about to do something stupid or ill-advised, I think of grandma’s last words to me: “don’t unplug that”
The last time I was 100% sure about a decision was in 3rd grade, and that box of 64 crayons with the built in sharpener didn’t disappoint.
I’m only 4’11 so don’t forget to look down when reading my tweets
Well, son, back in my day, we didn’t have a fancy robot to turn the tv on for us. We only had a boomerang.
After my kid listened to that song on repeat for 3 hours, I’m pretty sure the fox said I should take a xanax.
I still have a Rolodex on my desk but it’s all salami
“…so when the plane crashed, we had to do the unthinkable to survive.”
“Eat human corpses?”
[flashback to eating quinoa]
“Y…yes.”
Chief cop: “This might be racially motivated.”
Ian: “Hate crime?”
Chief cop: “We all hate crime, Ian. That’s why we are cops.”
Me: Why don’t you ride your bike to practice and save me the trip?
13-year-old: I can’t. It’s too far.
Me: You ride twice that far when you go to your friend’s house.
13: I can only go that far if it’s for fun.
How do people get their drivers to murder someone? Mine sulks if I ask him to fetch groceries.
The opposite of a meat lover’s pizza is a veggie hater’s pizza, which is weirdly THE SAME THING.
The wind kept blowing an old Burger King wrapper at my feet for over half a block
I know a sign from God when I see one
Ok I’ll come clean. When people say “asking for a friend,” they’re talking about me. I’m the friend. I have a lot of embarrassing questions.
One cool thing about being 33 is that people who are 50 think you might as well be 22 and people who are 22 think you might as well be 50