Showed my mom a pic of a guy I thought was hot and she said he looked just like my dad when he was young and now Christmas is ruined
You Might Also Like
Telling her she looks prettier than a chicken leg in an air fryer is a compliment that will not be taken as it was intended.
Caffeine is bad for you, fat is bad for you, sugar is bad for you. But don’t worry, because worrying is bad for you too.
He left his fantasy football open and I rearranged his line up by how hot the players are.
That’s how the fight started
Yes, for the fifth time, I can hear you on this Zoom call! even though I don’t wanna!
Overheard one half of conversation:
-I should get this Chinese tattoo removed, it’s my ex wife’s name
-Yes, she was Chinese
-No she still is Chinese she’s just not my wife any more
everyone hates on Gollum but he had the right idea: become a hermit, collect jewels, swim naked in lakes and pools, occasionally hiss at people who try to make you go places
Mom: Some stranger keeps answering your land line.
Me: That’s because I haven’t had a land line in 7 years, Ma.
Some girls look like they’ve barely broken a sweat after hot yoga while I look like a tomato that’s been doused by a fire hose.
PMS: I’m sorry.
ME: Why? It’s a good day.
PMS: Wait for it.
ME: [2 secs later] DID MY PARENTS REALLY TAKE MY DOG TO A FARM WHEN I WAS 5?!
T Mobile confirming my account via text when I have no service will not be lost on me.
My friend used to play sports. Then she realized you can buy trophies. Now she’s good at everything.
There’s no way witnessing the birth of your child is better than seeing your luggage come out first on the baggage carousel.
My drunk neighbour just stumbled into a car, fell and then apologized to the car.
-Only in Canada
I bought a bowflex, it’s very confusing, how do I muscles? do I eat it? do I eat the bowflex?
An evil villain is on the loose
Ant-Man: Yellowjacket again?
[giant kid with magnifying glass emerges]
Ant-Man: You gotta be kidding me
Before you get paranoid about the lack of people interacting with you on twitter, remember Jesus only had 12 followers in his day, and look at him now.
The best place to get pumpkins cheap is driving around the neighborhood at 4AM. Got 5 nice ones this morning.
It doesn’t make sense that there are so many poems about love, but there are no poems about hot, buttery mashed potatoes.
Good vacation so far, aside from the faceless man telling us “You will never leave this island.”
Job interviewer: What are your strengths?
Me: Is the next question going to be about weaknesses?
JI: Yes.
Me: I’m very perceptive.
me: wanna hear a joke about a guy who questions everything
her: sure
me: why
I should probably do some housework before they try to film the next Febreeze commercial here.
[therapy]
HIM: Should we talk about the elephant in the room?
ME: I don’t like to talk about him
ELEPHANT: Ok wow I’m like right here man
*trying to ask a girl on a date*
Me: hi, um [nervously wets lips] would you wanna go out sometime?
Her: was- was that a mop?
tag yourself, i’m “man in green bird costume”
Me: *trying to get comfortable on your wicker chair* I wonder if this is what sitting on shredded wheat feels like.
Sometimes I order Domino’s but give them Pizza Hut’s address. And when they show up and start fighting, just wait with my mouth open.
[Deathbed]
Gandalf: *struggling to sit up* Frodo
Frodo: yes Gandalf?
Gandalf: theres something i always wanted to say
Frodo: *tearing up at the thought of being told he is like a son to him* yes?
Gandalf: we- *dying breath* we totally could have rode the eagles the whole way
The Onion called it…again.
