showed up to a party wearing the same shirt as someone else, how did we both fit in one shirt
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Him: you know, a baby deliverer…
Me: you mean my OBGYN or the stork?
my mental health would drastically increase if I could be involved in a heist like once or twice a month, even better if there’s a fun montage included
My haters can’t stand that instead of a sink I just have a drawer full of water
My wife told me we need a new bathroom scale a week ago, but today she let me know that it wasn’t something she wanted for Valentine’s Day.
Turns down music in car: I’ve never heard that strange noise before *sighs* another trip to the mechanic’s.
Friend: That’s my stomach.
I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.
We live by the school and my tween’s friends keep dropping by for food. Like I’m a full blown adult and somehow middle schoolers are still taking my lunch.
If I ask “Where’s the remote?” & you say “Next to the TV,” you get a punch in the throat becuz THAT’S THE OPPOSITE OF WHY WE HAVE A REMOTE.
Good luck listening to 80’s music without imagining my silhouette doing karate poses.
They’ll find Bigfoot before they find a Smoothie store that’s been open for more than 2 years.
Everyone at my funeral gets a baseball bat, the last one standing gets all my stuff.
No thanks, body wraps. If I believed magic would make me thinner, I’d eat a wizard.
“Whatever! You’re naked ALL the time!”
-Me, to my staring cats every time I get out of the shower.
[Mom’s house]
Mom: I don’t know where that lovely framed photo of you went, dear, you know that one with the bouffant perm, oversized glasses, and braces
Me: *stuffing a frame-shaped object in the garbage* gosh, Mom, it’s a mystery
My grandfather built the house I live in. So when I cut the grass, I’m doing the same lawn I have been doing since I was 10. Only back then I got $5 for doing it. Now I don’t.
This is bullshit.
me: one taco plz
“Bro, this is Subway”
me: sorry [leaning in] one footlong taco plz
All I want for Christmas is someone to love and a horse solves crimes.
I’ve started dating Little Red Riding Hood’s gran.
She’s an animal in bed.
Like The Shawshank Redemption except it’s just me at work chiseling a tunnel behind the “hang in there” cat poster for a more direct route to the vending machine.
There are two kinds of people here
1. Those who tried deleting another person’s tweet or reply.
2. Liars
Dudes named Chance never had one.
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery,
but there will be signs…
A great way to relive your childhood is to outgrow your clothes every few months.
Wait…. she had the Royal baby, walked out and showed it to everyone, then went home?! I had fast food yesterday and couldn’t leave the couch.
Dog tried taking me for a run. I wasn’t having it. I made her drag me the whole time.
“My uncle died from mineral exposure.”
“Barium?”
“No. We had him cremated.”
“Why did you threaten to hit that scuba diver with your canoe paddle?”
“He was putting on airs”.
[At Last Supper]
*Jesus raises bread*
This is my body
*raises wine*
& my blood
*pulls out 8 of Clubs*
& this is your card
*Apostles go nuts*
Maybe I only need some intents and purposes.