Showed up to basic training wearing denim short pants.
I got jort-martialed
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[firemen meeting]
if we had a pole instead of stairs, we could get to the trucks much quicker
*from back*
“why dont we just sit downstairs?”
Re-using mouthwash is one life hack you’ve heard here first
Happy Thanksgiving
I enjoy April Fool’s Day because I like responding to fake pregnancy announcement texts with “no wonder you’ve been looking chubby”.
I get into bed.
Husband is already asleep.
I must build a pillow fort between us to keep his hot breath off of my face.
Marriage is fun.
Spent the last 10 minutes trying to kill a false eyelash on the pillow that high me didn’t take off last night
I successfully hid chocolate chip cookies from my children, making today’s parenting score:
Kids: 43,290
Mom: 1
DOCTOR: [checking chart] it says here that u suffer from delusions of grandeur
ME: [grabbing chart] thanks doctor, I’ll handle it from here
Just say no
Children give terrible gifts because they’re poor.
Me: Why did I walk in this room?
My brain: Not sure but here’s a song from 2005 I’m gonna play on repeat for the next 10 hours.
What idiot called them ‘Ex-fiancées’ and not ‘Near-Mrs’ ?
i just convinced a tinder boy we had the same number so i didnt have to text him
I accidentally put on my dad’s deodorant this morning and now I’m walking around offering people hard candy and asking “Working hard or hardly working?”
October’s cool because you can buy 60 Snickers, 48 beers, a hockey mask, chainsaw, 30 leaf bags and the cashier won’t even acknowledge it.
I delete my mistakes so now my kids live in constant fear.
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape of an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
“How cute. You have smile lines”
Me: those are from clenching my jaw
DUI checkpoint cop: sir, have u been drinking tonight
me: define sir
the first cicada of the season just walked itself right into my fire pit. 13 years under ground looked at the world and said nope
Reminder to any new followers…Ancestry.com is NOT a dating site…lesson learned…like 4 times.
Siri’s on her period. she needs an iPad
*chad kroeger walks through metal detector at airport*
TSA agent: I’ve never seen this low of a reading
Going down to the shelter today to adopt a rotisserie chicken
Friend: my wife & I had our son very young
Me: so did we, he was just a baby
They’re calling the Patriot thing “Deflategate?” I was hoping they’d go with “Ball-o-caust.”
Woman: I love a man with an accent
Mán: Well hello there
My friend reluctantly let her 10yo attend a birthday party before family pictures and asked that she do her best not to get muddy. She did not, however, specify that she shouldn’t get her face painted in camouflage. We’re all very excited for this year’s Christmas card.
ME: *holding my crying newborn son* There. There. I ALSO find myself very upsetting.
“who hurt you” myself bro, I make horrible decisions