Showed up to basic training wearing denim short pants.
I got jort-martialed
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Kirk: This velcro … is not … holding
Spock: Jim, it appears you’re using an inferior hook and loop system
Kirk: What … do you … suggest?
Spock: Logic demands we call in the experts
Kirk: Who … would that … be?
Spock: The Klingons
[giving grandmother’s eulogy]
But on the plus side, that’s the fastest she ever got down the stairs.
If the radius of a pizza is Z and the thickness is A, then the volume of pizza is PI x Z x Z x A. #asianshowingoff
can’t afford invisalign so i’m having my teeth shrink-wrapped instead
AVENGERS ASSEMBLE!
THOR: “here”
IRON MAN: “here”
HULK: “here”
PHIL COLLINS – “here”
…
ok Phil how do u keep getting into S.H.I.E.L.D man
What idiot called it jousting and not poker knight?
In the beginning God said, “let there be light,” and my dad said, “my electric bill is going to be through the roof; do you think I’m made of money?”
Apparently you can’t sell your eggs if you’ve been diagnosed with depression so I guess none of these people want funny kids
[security patting down mouse]
“Any cheese on your person, sir?”
[waves another mouse over them like a metal detector wand]
“He’s clean.”
I was searching for how to hit a deer and survive but now my history makes it look like I’m hunting deer with my car
Matt Goss
going to casually drop this here so everyone can worry with me
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
Schrödinger’s Mom: You have to feed the cat
Schrödinger: Or do I?
Spelling matters. My husband texted me that we’re very low on time.
Thyme. He meant thyme.
doctor: do u smoke?
me: no
doctor: mmhmm *writes in my file*
me: [nervously] is…is that bad?
Good Cop: why is your baby crying
Mom: he just won’t take a nap
Pun Cop: looks like he’s
Good Cop: if u say resisting a rest i swear to god
Why aren’t auto body shops called…
“Fender Bender Menders??.”
And they should be paid in Fender Bender Mender Tender.
And when you pay that, you’re a Fender Bender Mender Tender Spender
Tater Tots is a much better name than the original Crispy Potato Embryos.
*accidentally click on internet explorer*
Internet Explorer: oh what the… HELLO. OMG! WELCOME! HERE, PLEASE USE ME AS YOUR DEFAULT BROWSER. CLICK HERE! NO, DON’T GO! PLEA-
There’s a reason the iPhone autocorrects “Yolo” to “tool.”
-So YOU’RE the mother of this girl called..(checks notes) ..Riding Hood?
-Yes! Something happened to my beloved ch..
– Are you kidding me? You’re under arrest
if you hold a crab up to your ear you can hear what it’s like to get attacked by a crab
Preacher: tell me your favourite verses son
Me: I dunno probably street fighter
just a heads-up any of you wander onto my property and say “hi! i’m from twitter!” i’m turning on the sprinklers
Nobody likes the girl who brings the acoustic guitar guy to the party.
When you’re in the voting booth this fall, remember that Abe Lincoln didn’t slay all those vampires so that Trump could become President.
FB post from HS friend on pic: My boyfriend is such a dreamboat!
My comment: So was the Titanic.
Pro tip: Doing the worm into your bosses office makes him forget what he wanted to yell at you about