Shower sex be like:
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If I ever catch my kid vaping, I’m going to make him eat an entire fedora.
[in HR]
We’re letting you go because you won’t stop referring to going to the bathroom as “live streaming”
The cat just yelled at the Roomba for making him get up and, as the father of two young kids, I’ve never felt closer to that feline.
*changes column width by one millimeter in Microsoft Word*
*table stretches to five pages*
– Fred, Velma, Shaggy… Can you name one of the ‘Big 5’ African animals?
– Rhino
– We know you do, Scooby, but it’s not your team’s turn
[playing frisbee with my dog]
Me [out of breath]: boy, you’re a lot heavier than I thought
Her to her boyfriend: I’ve eaten so much cake I’m pretty sure my blood stream is pure cake mix!
Narrator:….and that boys and girls is how the first vampire came about
Someone gave me a gift and I just found it on a Gifts for Grandma list. This hurts.
INTERVIEWER: describe yourself with one adjective
ME: [from left side of room] pendulous
INTERVIEWER: huh?
ME: [from right side of room] you heard me
Stop being $50 to eat, food.
I can’t figure out if this is my 2 year old daughter’s dress or one of my wife’s shirts. One of them is a slut though. That’s for sure.
Underage me: pretends to be sick so I can sneak out window to go to a party
Older me: pretends to be sick so I don’t have to go to a party
A COWORKER BROUGHT HER INFANT INTO THE OFFICE LET’S ALL CROWD AROUND AND TERRIFY IT. -women
Me: I’d like to apologise for my behaviour
Host: No need, you haven’t done anything wrong
Me: I haven’t started yet
my 10 year high school reunion is in August which means I have 2 months to lose 40 pounds and get engaged to Michael Cera
Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, a monkey, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.
*rebrands massive pile of unfolded laundry as an art installation*
Men and women CAN be just friends. But only if one of them is ugly.
everyone is saying “i wouldn’t touch this topic with a ten foot pole” and nobody is stopping to think about me, the guy who makes his living selling ten foot poles. my children are starving because you can’t come up with a take.
Me leaving the house for plans I made when I was in an extroverted mood
Him: There’s something special about you.
Me: Some people tell me I smell like stinky cheese.
*His eyes glaze over* I love stinky cheese.
Tomorrow’s goal is to double my water intake by having two sips.
My son asked what it was like to be a parent so I begged him to make me chicken nuggets and then held on to his leg so he couldn’t move.
Me: So, what was the issue?
Plumber: You had hundreds of Q-tips clogging your toilet.
Me:
Plumber:
Me: *sheepishly* I ran out of toilet paper.
Husband said our electricity bills are too high need to cut back
so I asked him to move.
Fries should be offered more often like yes your mortgage is approved would you like fries with that?
His and her closets is code for “she gets two closets.”
*gets a full 8 hours of sleep*
Me: That’s suspicious
I tried being a Disney Princess but them damn budgies keep loading the dishwasher wrong