Shower sex be like:
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Pretending you’re dead to avoid conversation in the hospital is the worst way to learn how a defibrillator works.
(trying to explain what adulthood is like to a kid) you know in sims when you put a guy in the pool and then you take all the ladders out.
As meltdowns go I think this one is pretty mild. Oh and by the way, the fact that nobody has offered me drugs yet is pretty disappointing.
Coffee so strong I’m starting to believe I’m The Flash.
If Donald Trump becomes president, we could finally out-crazy North Korea.
Leaf blowers… making leaves your neighbor’s problem since 1977.
overheard from a 2nd grade zoom today
Teacher: Ok now, what’s at the end of life
7 y/o: that’s a…. I mean, that’s a big… it’s complicated…
Teacher: I mean the word “life”
[Inside every wolf]
Me: Hey.
Me: Oh, hey.
😂💯
Q: “How long were you at your last job?”
A: “Seven-and-a-half inches… same as now”
“There will be snacks.” – someone successfully convincing me to do anything
If Twitter bellies up, I’m getting addresses because we are all pen pals now
Hitmen probably get so annoyed when you spot the red laser dot and try to catch it like a cat.
Therapist: So you’re sheltering in place..?
Me: Yes but when I have to go out, there’s always some weirdo who won’t let me social distance
Husband: I thought we agreed no name-calling
Me: Can I get a sick note?
Doctor: Here u go.
Me:
Note: *coughs*
If you know a girl who uses metric I’d love to meter.
[Funeral]
Me: “Do you mind if I say a word?”
Widow: “Please do”
Me *clears throat: “Plethora!”
Widow: “Thank you. That means a lot.”
Sorry but why wasn’t Jesus suspicious when he got invited to the “Last Supper”
Q: Why isn’t the moon hairy?
A: Because it waxes every month.
if a woman tells me she just wants be friends I say ok but I get to be rachel
You didn’t say I couldn’t fill the jacuzzi with mac and cheese
wait a minute. when the orc in lord of the rings says “looks like meat’s back on the menu boys” how does he know what a menu is
They got Raph!
How come cats make the only sexy Halloween costumes? What’s wrong with a sexy llama or a sexy sloth or something?
Came home to find 13 doing the dishes without being asked.
Now I’m just waiting on the police to get here with the news of whatever he did.
Through a telescope, I see a woman on a planet light years away.
She waves.
I wave.
I awkwardly realize she is waving to the guy behind me.
“Always leave her wanting more” doesn’t mean eat the last of the nachos, jerk.
Please don’t tell me how bad your life was growing up, we had to manually roll up our cars windows
Sad how shallow some women can be. I was informed the girl I like said she’d NEVER date a guy w/ a job like mine. Sorry I’m not some hot shot lawyer or doctor. Idk, maybe embezzling money from a children’s cancer research fund isn’t the most prestigious job but it pays the bills