Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“It’s because I raised eleven kids in a previous life,” is what I tell people when asked why I don’t have any children.

I just walked into the living room to find my daughter teaching the family cat to play Cards Against Humanity. I think we’ve run out of ways to pass the time.

HOW TO DIAGNOSE ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION:
1) It’s not very hard

Invention idea:

Written versions of audio books.

Despite being terrified of alligators, I’ve taken a job at the Florida Everglades just so I can tell people I’ve been swamped at work all week.

Claustrophobia is the fear of closed spaces…

For example, I’m going to the liquor store and I’m scared that it may be closed…

(runs into somebody at the grocery store I haven’t seen in awhile)

Them: oh my god hey what are you up to?

Me: … I’m grocery shopping. What does it look like?

her: *opening valentine’s day gift* are these abacus beads?

me: it’s the little things that count

me: I have a phobia of very large numbers

therapist: I can help u

me: thanks a twelve

I just shaved my legs and man, the next 7 minutes and 34 seconds before it starts growing back is gonna feel amazing.

maybe there’s an alternate universe where onions cry when they chop up humans, you don’t know

Pharmaceutical commercials saying “living longer IS possible.”
Not a good marketing strategy in 2020, but ok.

A lil bit a Peppa Pig in my life
A lil bit a Piglet by my side
A lil bit a Wilbur is all I need
A lil bit a Babe is what I see
A lil bit a Miss Piggy in the sun
A lil bit a Pumpaa all night long
A lil bit a Porky Pig here I am
A lil bit a u makes me ur man
Feral Hogs Number 30-50

Normal Bar: Hey bud we can’t let you in here with that pocket knife

Renaissance Faire: Here’s 32oz of meade and a bow & arrow go crazy

Marriage Tip: Always be dumber than your spouse at math so you don’t have to help your kid with his math homework.

I did my first abdominal exercise since my 4 abdominal surgeries and I can say with absolute certainty that my abs are cake.

1000s flocked to NJ to see the Virgin Mary in a tree trunk. But, don’t judge them, friends. When was the last time you saw a virgin in NJ?

Never been more fit than the semester after my college bf dumped me…hey JP got a beach vacation comin up mind doin it again

What happens when you wear flowy sleeves? They get caught on every doorknob you walk past.

The bananas in my fruit bowl were overripe
Fruit flies everywhere!
I tried to kill them
But I just ended up giving them a round of applause

Vaccines comes from doctors –> Doctors are part of Obamacare –> Vaccines are BAD #Bible #AmericanSniper

Playing catch with my 8yo, I missed a high throw and said “could’ve got that in my 30s.” He replied “oh yea when you get old you get shorter.”

I’m like a cheetah, but slow.

I bought jalapeño chips so I wouldn’t have to share with my kids.
It’s not working. My daughter is just eating through the pain.

She’s mine

Bad comedy:

“Gonorrhea, but not forgottenorrhea. Am I right?”

*crickets*

“Jeez, y’all sure know how to avoid the clap. Am I right folks?”

the court clerk in surfer court: do you swear to tell the truth & nothing but the truth & refrain from telling stories that are grody to the max, so help you god?
me, with my right hand in the air & my left hand on a ham sandwich: totally

Virtual learning silver lining: When your kids don’t leave the house all day, you can go longer without bathing them.

Hey don’t get mad at us just because Generation X got the cool nickname

New Year’s Eve 1999. My brother sneaks down to the basement. As the clocks strike midnight, he flips off all the fuses in the house and cackles as everyone loses their minds upstairs.