[shower song] Im all outta Dove
Im soapless without you
I’ll never get clean
Now that you are all gone
*grabs shampoo mic*
IM ALL OUTTA DOVE
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[standing fully clothed in the shower pretending to cry]
me: *opening the shower curtain* yeah this will work
real estate lady: ill draw up the contract
“Would you like to import all of your phonebook contacts to your Twitter account…?”
hahahaha yeah, that’ll go well
Can’t decide if I want to join a cult or a woodchipper.
Me: I choose Truth!
Him: What is the most time wasting app on your phone?
Me: …I choose Dare!
I just saw a woman walk out of the pizza place with 8 large pizzas. Stay with me I’m gonna live stream my proposal..
If I had a jet pack I would look AWESOME dying within the first 2 minutes of having a jet pack.
You’re technically never cheated on you were just in a surprise polyamorous relationship
Why in the hell would I clean my bathtub? I put soap and water in there every day…
What’s the craziest thing you’ve done for money?
I’ll go first: I went to college.
Walmart: Did you find everything you were looking for?
Me: Well, I couldn’t find-
W: *finger to my lips* Shhh! I don’t actually care.
You say “save the date”, I hear “more time to come up with an excuse of why I’m not going.”
*joins Buddhist monastery*
*withstands 21 years of brutal kung-fu training*
So, vending machine that didn’t drop my funyuns. We meet again.
Ask your doctor if your dominant hand is right for you
I don’t want to be with someone who will finish my sentences. I want to be with someone who will finish the dishes.
PILOT: This isn’t funny, Ed. Let me in
COPILOT: *over intercom* Hey everyone, who’d like to hear a passage from the captain’s dream journal?
(saying something slightly ambiguous on the internet) ah i could’ve phrased that better but i’ll probably get the benefit of the doubt from thousands of strangers who only come here to get pissed off
I think my wife got us a babysitter because she didn’t think I’d sit on the baby correctly
“Alcohol is just water with feelings in it,” said the girl who failed chemistry.
A boy at school tells me I’m looking like a snack. I plead with him to take it back, but it is too late. My teachers huddle around me with a bloodthirsty look in their eyes.
“D I D Y O U B R I N G E N O U G H
T O S H A R E”
every day i feed my cats the exact same thing and every day they look at me like i got their order wrong
The owner of my AirBnB has a dog named Kevin. His human-sounding name terrified me at first.
wife: do you need help in there?
me: Kristin please. i just need the pin number for the microwave
Can anyone recommend some basic intrusive thoughts for someone looking to get into anxiety?
[twirls in a dress made of knives]
Oh, this old thing? Just something I put on and wield against innocent bystanders every 28 to 31 days.
Friend: Don’t you love these new yoga pants? They come with a little pocket for your phone.
Me: Your phone? *quietly stuffs cookies back in pocket*
It’d be nice if the married people would leave some of the single people for the rest of the single people.
Kid: Daddy can I give some of my candy to that duck?
Me: No, ducks only eat things they find in nature, like bread.
The biggest takeaway from listening to hundreds of podcasts is if you’re rich enough, you can get away with murder.
I want to go on the record by saying I love my family but if I have to spend any longer with them you’ll be seeing me on the 6 o’clock news.
sad to hear it but I hope it’s for the best