Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You don’t know shit about pressure until you’re the only Black person on the dance floor while white people clap & form a circle around you.

Obituaries should have clickbait titles

Publisher handing my horror novel back to me with shaking hands: you need to lose the pop-ups

I just want everyone to know that when my mom was 24 she showed up to her Halloween work party dressed as Monica Lewinksy because she was sleeping with her boss.

Wanna feel old? This is Calvin and Hobbes now

This day in history. 1634. The Irish House of Commons passed An Act for the Punishment for the Vice of Buggery, prodded so to speak to do so by Anglican bishop John Atherton who was later the first to be hanged for the crime.

I asked my driving instructor if I passed my driving test, he told me “no” as we swam ashore.

*comes home from work. House is clean, laundry done, dinner on the table*

Me: Hey babe…who did this?

Husband *levitating*: There is no babe…only Zuul

Me: How much does Zuul cost per week?

*wipes off Chapstick

Weigh me now

Matthew McConaughey’s name was spelled correctly on Twitter once, and has been copied and pasted every time since then.

heck is a place for people who don’t believe in gosh. danged for eternity.

principal: your resume says you only teach subtraction?

me: I just want to make a difference

Come on Canada, first Celine, then Nickelback, NOW Bieber!? Are you TRYING to provoke a war?

Honestly the only reason I had more than one kid was so one day they’d be able to push each other on the swings. That shit is exhausting.

if ur dad didn’t want to be more than friends then why did he get me that delicious glass of water

When your emotional bank account is empty you have “insufficient funs”

Math Problem: Tom has 35 apples. Richard gives him another 26. What does Tom have now?

Me: A terrified doctor.

Me: how was your date?
Friend: I ruined her panties.
M: Wow that’s hot man.
F: No she got food poisoning from my cooking, bro.

Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: [slams fist on dash] NO, WHY?!
Cop: Settle down sir
Me: [marries, has kids, gives up ambitions]
Cop: …

When I said you had a “serial killer face” I had meant it as a compliment, Like, you look like you are very ambitious is what I meant.

According to customer service I can not bring sexy back…

Without the receipt, apparently.

I don’t know who started the malicious rumour I’m mostly mole but I’m going to keep digging.

The 5 second rule doesn’t apply when you drop the last m&m in the bag. If it takes an hour to find it, so be it.

Whenever the Starbucks guy asks for my name I laugh and whisper “I’m seeing someone”

I love medieval baby paintings because they either look like a baby who has done crossfit since birth or that creepy middle aged dude who sells drugs at the end of my street

Everyone on earth: I’m terrible with names.

Me: Hi guys!

Everyone on earth: Oh, hi darren!

if i was a conductor of an orchestra, i would abuse my power by making them warm up to a stirring rendition of “ice, ice, baby.”

Killing Eve is trending and I thought we had a new holiday.

At the end of “Grease,” the car just started flying and everyone was all, “Aw, good for them.”