Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Parish Council to all moorside residents –

Once again: the nightly screams beyond the high cottages are foxes. They aren’t the result of werewolf activity. Stop spreading this silly idea. This is 2020. You should all know werewolves prefer to strike before their prey screams.

My mom used to make sure we were wearing our seatbelts in the back seat by slamming on the brakes. She was a kind soul.

DRIVING CLASS: 10 and 2

REAL LIFE: 7 and french fries

Yet again, autocorrect leads me ashtray.

“are they real” i mean yeah they’re right there

I’m very proud that I built my house completely by myself, with no help or prior experience. I often stand outside, hands on hips, just basking in the accomplishment. (Can’t go inside, EXTREMELY unsafe)

“I’m gonna find whoever stole the wheels off my car”, I said tirelessly

A horror movie but you have to scoot out of the round booth to get away.

*attaches note to pigeon

*stuffs pigeon into envelope

Humans become vets but animals never become doctors. How about returning the favour for once? We spend five years training to keep animals healthy. Most animals can’t even be bothered to live that long.

Customer Service Person: is there anything else I can help you with today?
Me: Is this a date? It feels like a date now.

My dog just puked on the floor.

5yo: MOMMY, LOOK!
Me: Eeeww!
5yo: We are just gonna have to move now!

I like the way this kid thinks!

One of my students told me she’s going to be a tooth fairy when she’s older. I didn’t even know that was an option!

I snuggle with my sweetie boo and seductively ask, “Would you still think I’m cuddly without skin?”

ME: I will have 4 blueberry muffins for dinner please
DUNKIN DONUTS CASHIER: Please do not tell us that you’re having them for dinner

I have so many chores that I need to do, what Netflix show should I binge watch?

Even after seeing all of the Jurassic Park movies I still feel like a dinosaur theme park sounds like a really good idea

We’ve got some pretty upscale, sophisticated people coming over tonight, so I’m putting out the classy spittoon.

Hubs: I want to Marie Curie our house.

Me: Damn you hate our house that much?

Hubs: I think I’m thinking of the wrong person

Me: Did you mean Marie Kondo?

Hubs: Yes!!

I don’t believe in astrology but I’m pretty sure the planet controlling your life is Earth.

My tween, who wanted money, told me I don’t look a day over 41. I’m 40.

Husband: UGH that kid is JUST LIKE YOU.
Me: Wonderful?
H:
M: Charming?
H:
M: Light of your life?
H: [leaves room]
Me: [shouts] SUPER COOL?

Jehovah’s Witnesses tell the worst knock knock jokes.

We cut our bangs at dawn.

If this doughnut and ice cream are going to take years off my life, could I have them remove 2001-2003?

Fun prank: replace all your phones with rotary phones and your wifi with a dial-up, then watch your kids move out.

she wears short skirts, I get steamed up
she’s cheer captain and I’m a little teapot

Paris Hilton is suddenly a DJ?
Well. Then I’m a dragon.