Showering at a woman’s house is like being at an open bar for conditioners.
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In an attempt to groggily say hello, I sent “moron” instead of “morning” in a chat to my boss. How’s your day?
When I was younger, I thought all the sexual acts were numbered and everyone just knew them, like 69.
So I would just say random numbers and act surprised when others didn’t know about it.
On Twitter, I still need to pretend I know what y’all talking about..
“Don’t touch that. You don’t know where it’s been.”
“I don’t think you washed your hands long enough. Go wash them again.”
“In this house we cover our mouths when we cough.”
My parents did a better job preparing me for adulthood than they knew.
You can’t get pregnant from sex with a condom, only from sex with a person
*asks Zumba instructor to sign my pizza permission slip*
If a sister is a nun then a brother is a bun this makes zero sense aaand send
Benefits of not being conventionally attractive:
-Less pressure
– you know people are being genuine when they laugh at your jokes
– can summon crows to do your bidding without fanfare unlike hot villains like Maleficent
Broke my work phone. I can’t talk on it anymore. I should have done this a long time ago
Son (pointing): “Daddy what’s that?”
Me: “that’s a goat.”
Son: “Why?”
Me: …
Ear cleaning technician sounds like a solid career path. As far as we know people are going to have ears.
me: [hiring a hitman] now how can we make my songs better
[blind date]
Her: so do you go on a lot of dates?
Me: *sucking the gravy from my plate* a lot of first ones.
I’ve got 99 problems…
<snap>
98 problems.
<snap>
97 problems.
<snap>
96 problems.
<snap>BRB… I need to buy more mousetraps.
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
One of the benefits of eating healthier is that you never have to ask questions like, “Who ate my kale?”
I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 5,000 signatures.
I’ve accidentally called someone on IG messenger before and my reaction was the same as if I had just been caught shoplifting.
A customer service employee on the phone just told me they can’t get me an appointment for the same day as the appointment they canceled, but as a courtesy, they won’t CHARGE ME DOUBLE.
no regrets
*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*
Therapist: Ok one more time. We’re gonna keep our friends close and where do we keep our enemies?
Me: …in the basement?
My 8 year old daughter can already read at a 5th grade level and ignore me at a 12th grade level.
Art teacher: Take your seats, the model is ready
Me: *Disrobes and strikes a pose*
Model: Who the hell are you
saw a hinge profile that said “dom. cinephile.” like what, are you gonna tie me up with an HDMI cable and make me watch the seventh seal?
Forget being the bigger person, I’m going to just start barking at people
Him: have you had dinner yet?
Me: *after eating entire bag of chips, 2 donuts and 6 cookies* Nope, not yet.
Take charge of your life and get a home tattoo kit from Amazon. Do you really want a stranger drawing anything permanent on your body?!
WIFE: I can’t believe you ruined my birthday yesterday
ME: What a load of bollocks, Karen. I didn’t even know it was your birthday
the whole internet loves Stanley Cups, the viral cup that you can drink from! *5 seconds later* we regret to inform you the cup is poison
I was the beast man at my sister’s wedding, and there isn’t a day goes by that I don’t wish that that was a typo.