Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Ranch is mayonnaise with sprinkles.

Me: It just feels like you’re holding me to outdated standards

My mum: Oh? Let’s see if my grandkids agree OH NO WAIT

Brain: Great workout, here’s some endorphins

Me: Oh nice, I’ll feel good for-

Anxiety: It took you a full minute to figure out the treadmill buttons and I bet people noticed

Me: … that long

[harry potter at work]

Coworker: you can see those crazy winged horses huh

Harry: a thestral, yes

Coworker: cause you saw whosamort kill your classmate

Harry: his name was cedric & it was a very dark point in my life

Coworker: so speaking of dark the copier needs more toner

(therapist voice)

Please, lie down on the shrouch.

What do you do when your nose goes on strike???

You picket…

5-year-old: *glares at me* My shoe doesn’t fit.

Me: You grew. How is that my fault?

5: You fed me.

me: sorry, I move around a lot in bed

GF: it’s ok lol

[middle of the night]

me: [taps GF on the shoulder] I just bought a house in Montana

According to my iPhone Health app, I walked 1,787 steps around this Golden Corral buffet tonight …. So I got that going for me.

I don’t dress for women. I don’t dress for men. I dress for the weather, mainly.

Boss: You need supervision.
Me: *squints really, really hard*

Ya know when you buy a bag of of salad and it gets all brown and crusty…. cookies don’t do that

I’m fat, but not accidentally give birth in the Walmart bathroom because I didn’t know I was pregnant, fat.

Saw a billboard that said “anxiety? Paranoia? It could be meth.” And it’s like oh my God I’ve been on meth this whole time.

Please, Daddy was my father. Call me Son

harsh writing advice: you’re not a writer if you aren’t making up your own words. if you’re just taking preexisting words and mixing up the order to form sentences and stories? you’re a DJ

The most elusive of all creatures is the camo camo camo camo camo chameleon

My 13yo son pays monthly for Snapchat+ so he can get a better Bitmoji and I would probably make fun of this if I hadn’t previously paid for Favstar

TEACHER: can anybody tell me the answer to this problem

ME: *raising hand confidently* no

Today on House Hunters, we’ll attempt to entangle Hugh Laurie in a giant net.

church choir: faatherr, sonn, aand hoolyy g-

[the ghostbusters barge in]

church choir, nervously: -oooats

[ghostbusters slowly back out]

1. OMG will this ever end?
2. OMG will this ever end?
3. OMG will this ever end?

-top 3 things on my mind when I’m in a a conversation

Murderer: Which of the three of you to kill – it’s quite the dilemma
Me: Technically that’s a trilemma
Murderer: OK now it’s easy

I bet the worst thing about being abducted is the whole country knows your real weight.

Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?

Interviewer: Well, we call it a background check, but sure.

*brings therapist to family gathering*

Me: See?

Therapist: ᵒʰ ᵐʸ ᵍᵒᵈ

The person that joins a Zoom meeting where everyone’s video is off and leaves their camera on is the same person that reminded the teacher that she forgot to assign that night’s homework.

My husband refused to get glasses. But that was before he brushed his teeth with Preparation H.

I want to be a server at a restaurant that serves fish jelly, just so when people order it, I can say “I don’t think you’re ready.”

me: well it’s technically the bride of frankenstein’s monster

hostage negotiator: we should get back on topic