Showering at a woman’s house is like being at an open bar for conditioners.
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You know who else doesn’t leave another man’s girlfriend alone?
Mosquitos
A warehouse is just a regular house that was bitten by a wolf under the full moon.
A man was hospitalized with 6 plastic horses up his bum. Doctors described his condition as “stable”. #manicmonday
[Eating wings]
Pilot: This is a bad idea
Exercise workout videos always have the person smiling. I would rather have a video where the lead person is complain cussing the whole time and saying things like Why are we doing this? This is horrible.
My neighbor mentioned that her husband has baby soft feet, and don’t think I’m not going to bring that up every time I see him from now on.
A man just assaulted me with milk, cream and butter.
How dairy
About 20 minutes before my husband gets home from work I spray Febreze, then he assumes I cleaned something.
If I die in my sleep, my only request is that you fold me up in my futon and sell it on Craigslist
Woke up feeling not too shabby for a 55-year-old. The only problem is I’m still in my 40s.
i hate when google maps keeps rerouting me to the faster route that goes thru traffic. i know my route is longer google i made this choice for my mental health
I say: ‘Pls watch that pothole’.
My son hears: ‘Pls drive through that pothole with the force of a thousand jackhammers’.
Bobcat Escapes National Zoo #WhatDoYouThink?
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My mom: Easter is at noon on Sunday.
Me: I’m not religious but I’m pretty sure Easter is all day.
ANT: hey did you find any food to bring back to the queen?
SUPER FAT ANT: the who?
What do people in non-baseball countries call second base?
[first time skydiving]
me: oh no my charcuterie board
Me: I would like to eat a boiled mermaid
Waiter: sir I don’t think you underst-
Me: the bottom half
Waiter: very good, sir
dan dan noodles… the food so nice they danned it twice. thanks for liking my posts
Me: Was the island real or were they dead the whole time?
Sony tech support: We can’t answer that kind of TV question, sir.
Not saying I say dumb things when
I’m nervous but I once asked a date “so what’s new in history?” When she told me she taught it to kids.
until mcdonalds agrees to make their hamburgers healthy i will be boycotting a different mcdonalds location every day. today I’ll start with the mcdonalds furthest from me and work towards me. I’ll be getting a burger at the nearest mcdonalds until this is rectified
[planning a family vacation]
Me: …then we’ll get a bus between the cities.
Kids: Yayy, cool!
Wife: That’s quite some distance, how long’s this bus?
M: About 45 feet, I guess
W: I despise you
[date]
HER: no more Scooby Doo imitations
ME: ok
WAITER: today’s special is baby octopus
ME: [Shaggy voice] zoinks
HER: I’m done
ME: ruh roh
Say what you will about Kylo Ren, but you have to appreciate his Han die coordination.
oh u like geography? name every lake
My wife’s fish net stockings are so tight that my legs look like wafer cookies when I take them off.
*Ok, don’t let them know you’re a dog*
Him: The job is yours. Here’s the keys to your new office. [tosses keys]
*catches keys in my mouth*
If a puppy stabbed me in the face and stole my car, I’d still be like, “aww.”
I keep overhearing people complaining about eavesdroppers.