[showering] *comes up with cure to every disease known to man
[toweling off] Ah towels are fluffy. Duhhh, what was that other thing again?
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My 3yo’s bedtime stories include: “Three-Hour Run-On Sentence,” followed by, “Ask For a Drink 500 Times,” and finally, “You Skipped a Page.”
A new house isn’t a home until you’ve let a bag of salad die in the fridge
Sorry but I’m not taking lessons in communication from a baby
My girlfriend hates the music I listen to while I drive, but I’ve found the perfect loophole to keep my favorite songs on. You say, “Babe, this one really reminds me of you.”
piñata: harder daddy
me: [lifts blindfold] what
piñata: let me wear the blindfold
If all of the pizza cutters are dirty then 1 whole pizza counts as 1 serving
Wife: play your cards right and you’re getting lucky tonight
Narrator: He did not play his cards right
Every time I see someone holding hands I get triggered to play red rover with them.
Me to my husband: Would you like to bring a third into our love making? [my googly eyed hand puppet slides into view]
Before Google, people had to go out in the alley and yell “WHAT’S THE NAME OF THE MONKEY FROM ALADDIN?” until they got some answers.
I always date mathematicians. That way when they ask why I’m breaking up w/them I can say DO THE MATH JERRY. Oh yeah & I always date Jerries
[bursts into garage]
“why is your car still on? you’ve been in here for 3 days”
i’m trying to kill myself
“but you drive an electric car”
If bedbugs live in your bed then what the hell are cockroaches
My husband is weird and enjoys drinking things out of jars and last night he 100% looked me straight in the face and said “we should open up our own coffee shop where we serve the coffee out of jars and call it Jarbucks”
Me singing a couple lines of a song: Alexa find this for me
Alexa: playing video
“Top 10 Creepiest Animal Sounds”
Him: How’d you get so cute?
Me: I-I-my gosh, I really don’t know. I’m not very good at biology.
My husband claims I’m driving him to an early grave, which is clearly ridiculous because nobody has ever been early to anything I’ve driven them to.
am i supposed to have a separate mouth with which to kiss my mother please advise
“Let me get this straight, you got your asses kicked by four fully mature mutant ninja turtles?”
“No, sir, it’s actually worse than that.”
*moves all unread emails to trash
Omg I got so much done today.
Me carrying the weight of being the funniest person in my whole family
I had professional respect for you but then you said “recognizance” when you meant ‘reconnaissance.’
I googled my symptoms and it turns out that half of y’all are stupid 🤕
[teaching son to brush his teeth]
Me: this is the part of your skeleton that everyone sees
Only I can prevent forest fires? Why are you leaving me in charge of forest fires? I can’t even prevent chafing.
What’s your stance on public intoxication?
Mine is very wobbly.
Is there such a thing as filthy clean? Let’s take a shower together and find out.
Man online: You will die childless and alone with your 30 cats.
Me: Sweet.
My little old fish didn’t move around in her bowl all day. i thought she was dead but it turns out she was just going through minnow pause.
Sometimes I think I am pretty smart and then I try to breathe my own saliva.