Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

CAT LAWYER: [pushes defense team off the table]

I was in a triathlon once and I even led briefly during the registration portion

BANK ROBBER: There’ll be no trouble as long as everyone is cool

ME *remembering I’m me* oh no

[drops capsule in woman’s drink] Maybe when that’s finished, we can get out of here? [green sponge dinosaur grows out of glass] Ready to go?

My dog sets an impossible bar on how to greet my wife when she comes home.

“Why do raisins have an expiration date? What’s gonna happen, they get shrivelier??”

Interviewer:…

“Oh you mean questions about the job!”

ANGEL: the humans need a model for how they should treat you…

GOD: [creates dog]

ANGEL: …and for how they actually do

GOD: [creates cat]

cop: do you know why i pulled you over

me: [through foam mascot head] ya

People: “You look so unapproachable”
Me: “And yet,here you are”

Zen master: Why are you still tweeting? The validation isn’t real.

Me: Neither are you.

Zen master: Oh bugger.

Where do storm troopers sit when they go to church?

In a pewpewpew

Ok, all you people who adopt dogs and put “who rescued who?” stickers on your car… you drive me crazy!

Clearly it’s “who rescued whom?”

People don’t know this but there’s no section in the criminal code that prohibits you from training pigeons to pick pocket tourists.

What’s the age limit for saying, “Look how big you got!” because I said it to my mother-in-law and she hasn’t looked at me since

Fact: DJs who work at radio stations playing christmas music for two months are not allowed to wear belts or shoe laces.

I accidentally answered my phone & panicked when I heard someone say “hello?” so I just did the best I could & made the fax machine noise.

My phone went from fully charged to 10% while I was sleeping, so I guess it leads a more exciting nightlife than I do.

My son told me I’m not fat I’m just almost fat and that honestly made me feel really good

I told my 7yo that I’m a tired old man and he replied “you’re not an old man, you’re a NEW man” so if anyone is looking for a life coach I know a guy

caterpillar: *walks*

snake: okay what

caterpillar: *grows wings*

snake: OKAY WHAT

having children is a pyramid scheme.

*armadillo comes rolling back in the ball return*
“Wait.. if you’re here, then…”
*cut to wife sobbing at bowling ball* “UNCURL, FREDRICK!”

Can me and you go out sometime?

“No, your grammar is too poor”

Ok wow, my gramma broke af, but what that got to do with us?

Me: I won’t force religion on my child

Also me: *decorates 3’s room in all Marvel stuff*

[First prison riot]

Me: *guarding my toilet wine*

I’m going to start using Twitter like Google, because I need answers to tough questions.

Are pepperoni and Rice-a-Roni related?

[AA meeting]
Ian: …and I’ve been sober for 12 years now.

Me: Err… I’m at the wrong meeting.

*start packing up my battery collection*

me: I’d like to buy that giraffe

zookeeper: I can’t do that, sir

me: [slips him a coupon for a free giraffe] how about now?

Zookeeper: don’t be ridiculous. this is only valid on Wednesdays

I am angry but not like really angry. More like Facebook angry where I call you letters of the alphabet. You F’ing B.

I wouldn’t walk 500 miles and then walk 500 more for anyone. I’d drive across town though maybe.