Showering is the worst. You mean I’ve gotta clean this body AGAIN? Has it been rolling in the mud? No. It’s been checking emails and watching Netflix. It is now unpresentably filthy. Stand in this loud wet box and confront your mortal vessel. You can’t even play a phone game.
There was a fire at the Yankee Candle store. 8 killed. 19 injured. 1200 soothed.
If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
I bought beard oil yesterday, so now I have to pick a favorite IPA.
I’ve always wanted to buy 2 coffees, take them to a crime scene & while handing 1 to the officer in charge ask, “So, what do we have here?”
Don’t Photoshop them into your profile pic after the first date. That’s weird. Wait until the second one.
(first date)
Me: *hyperventilating*
Him: Don’t be nervous. Take a deep breath.
Me: Can’t. I’m wearing three pairs of Spanx.
Today I brought my trash out wearing roller skates and a tiara simply because I like keep my neighbors guessing.
I know it’s so bad but all the other restaurant names were taken. Anyways welcome to Feastiality can I get you guys started on some drinks
Answering all phone calls with, “no, YOUR payment is overdue!”.
Having a tattoo in a hidden place is really just entertainment for the coroner.
This morning I woke up with the thought “I wish there was a way for me to create vegetables at home…”
And so I jammed out on that idea for a while until I realized I had just invented farming.
Remember, Kids… If you can’t say anything nice, well, it’s probably hilarious and worth getting into trouble over anyway.
This was only “the biggest IT outage ever” if you exclude the period from 13.7 billion BC to the mid 20th century
During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “where should I put my pants”? “Over there by mine”, was not the answer I was expecting.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME:
COP:
ME: Is…isn’t that your job?
Doctor: Let’s take a look at your chest shall we
Pirate: No
in today’s episode of ‘how strong is your marriage’ we take a trip to Home Depot to pick out a shade of white
Her: I’m having a dry party.
Me: Sorry, I’m busy.
Her: You don’t even know when.
Me: You don’t even know me.
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
My daughter told me breathing is for losers and now I have to somehow surreptitiously check her for gills
learn from a vacuum cleaner, don’t work beyond the limit of your cord…
My husband and I were talking about how you have to list hobbies and talents on job applications so I asked him if there’s anything he thinks I’m really good at and he said “you’re really good at knowing when people on tv are Canadian”
I’m not allowed at the gym anymore because I dropped my chili dog on the treadmill
women are like cars. sometimes there’s a squirrel living in there
“You lie like a doge!” I tell my wife.
“So deceit!” I add.
“Very fraud!” I mention.
“Much fiction!” I point out.“Wow,” she says.
ME: hey did u get my letter?
HER: No
ME: weird, my carrier penguin should’ve made it by now
HER: You mean carrier pigeon?
ME: lol what
This might be the most wholesome advice column question I have ever seen
My teenage children choosing violence
Finally, somewhere I can take my Croissant Bernard.
Nothing scarier than unlocking your phone in front of coworkers and not remembering what the last thing on your screen was.
