Showering is the worst. You mean I’ve gotta clean this body AGAIN? Has it been rolling in the mud? No. It’s been checking emails and watching Netflix. It is now unpresentably filthy. Stand in this loud wet box and confront your mortal vessel. You can’t even play a phone game.
Don’t tell me you’re into the Halloween spirit unless you go into a haunted house willing to die.
Shout out to all you people out there who get asked if you’re okay a lot even though that’s the only facial expression you have.
I covered my gf with dough and raisins and put her in the oven to annoy her. Hell hath no fury like a woman sconed
90% of parenting is asking, “Did you _?” when you know damned well that they didn’t.
Is the female equivalent of a douchebag a douchebaguette?
I thought they were just making up names, so imagine my surprise when I googled and
Hungover parenting is like being in an Alien movie. You’re scared because there are fast moving creatures all around you, and you really don’t want them to jump on you.
Thinking about having bacon and bacon for dinner.
Went Trick-or-Treating last night and all I got was yelled at.
“I tell you, this car runs like a dream!” I change gears and the gearstick turns into a swan. I turn on the wipers & it rains on the inside.
GENIE: You can’t wish anybody would fall in love with you.
ME: What if everybody just disliked me less?
GENIE: Sure.
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE: Okay technically I should be able to do this but it’s not working.
Me: Put on your seatbelt.
13: Do I have to?
Me: not if you want your face shattering the windshield
13: cool
Me: PUT ON YOUR SEATBELT!
Our friend in New Zealand wished my 8yo a happy birthday the night before her birthday. I tried explaining time zones to her but all she heard is Liz is from the future.
Colonel Sanders started KFC when he was 65 years old. Which just goes to show… You’re never too old to cook chicken
The most elusive of all creatures is the camo camo camo camo camo chameleon
Everyone has that one vegetable that brings up memories of an ex
At least the self-checkout doesn’t ask me what I’m making for dinner with these items or when I’m going to call my mother.
my neighbor is outside hosing off her lampshades and I’m both terrified and intrigued
You young couples with your dogs, your trial children, you’ll learn nothing about parenting because you can never teach a toddler to “sit”.
DA: Where r my legal briefs?
Paralegal *hands him his boxers*
Judge: lol
Jury: We’re hung
Judge: ha!
DA: Balls in your court
Judge: DO MORE!
Going to start referring to my contacts as “eyebuds”
My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
Her: Wtf? I thought I asked you to vacuum?…look at all this dog hair in the corner???
Me: No…Don’t touch it! (whispers) I hid one of the eggs under there.
Mayonnaise has been getting a lot of hate, but if you don’t shake up a squeeze bottle of mustard well enough, it will pee on your sandwich.
I like to wait to board the plane so the person seated next to me thinks they’ll have extra space and then I come in right before the door closes and ruin their lives
Behemoth?
No. Hebebutterfly.
“Your meal is being prepared and should be delivered in 30-45 minutes”
Perfect. Just enough time to eat a sleeve of Oreos.
The 5 Love Languages
Physical Touch: my loneliness is killing me
Words of Affirmation: I must confess I still believe
Quality Time: When I’m not with you I lose my mind
Gift Giving: give me a sign
Acts of Service: hit me baby one more time
I have a phone interview today and someone told me to “just be myself” so I’m not going to answer the call
The moment I met my mother-in-law, I could instantly tell that she was the type to unfairly judge me.
