Showering is the worst. You mean I’ve gotta clean this body AGAIN? Has it been rolling in the mud? No. It’s been checking emails and watching Netflix. It is now unpresentably filthy. Stand in this loud wet box and confront your mortal vessel. You can’t even play a phone game.
*car isn’t exactly where I thought I parked it*
Someone stole my car.
me: ugh i hate subway. worst fast food chain by far
alien I befriended: on my planet there is no word for “hate”
me: I’ve finally reached the tipping point
waitress: oh thank god!
The most I’ve ever spent on a bottle of wine is about 45 minutes
What I lack in drive, I more than make up for in drive-thru.
[under heavy sniper fire]
Platoon leader: where’s that sniper fire coming from?
Me [crying a fair bit]: a big gun with a telescope on it
My wife said “you really have no sense of direction do you?”. I said “where did that come from?” Happy turkey day
Gotta say, as a Canadian, watching this season of America has been absolutely riveting. Kudos to the writers.
put goat milk on the menu, everyone cheers
put goat juice on the menu, you get a visit from the health inspector
what’s that about
I’m so old, when I type “stan”, ac thinks I mean a man’s name and capitalizes it
oh to be lowered into a toaster with you, my bread slice wife
[In line at Starbucks]
[Woman behind me talking] I work in an office with 50% men so-
[Excitedly turn around] OMG YOU WORK WITH CENTAURS
Dear Mario,
I wasted my childhood trying to save your girlfriend 🙂
God: *twisting an owl* I can’t get this damn jar open
So many songs that tell you to throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care, so few about the hazards of ceiling fans.
*sneezes with a mouthful of toothpaste*
To clarify:
DOJA CAT is a 25-year-old rapper, singer, and songwriter.
DEJA CAT is the strange sensation that you’ve seen a cat somewhere before.
Hope this helps!
why does the radiologist run behind that wall like they just pulled the pin out of a grenade wtf
Just spent 15 minutes on my knees.
Now, the bathtub is spotless.
How many Avengers does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Two. Ant-Man and Wasp are the only ones small enough to fit inside a lightbulb.
I just tried to put my coffee pot in the refrigerator. I obviously slept very well and I’m on the way to a fabulous day.
I feel bad for women who say finding true love is the best experience in life. They’ve obviously never found their bra size on clearance.
nervously i bag my groceries in plastic while a giant melting iceberg waits in line behind me
I’m having stuff I ordered delivered to an Amazon hub for pickup, but I didn’t realize you have to give them your Amazon username. So, I’m going to have to walk in and say, “Picking up a package for Lamont Sanford’s Friend Rollo.”
Embarrassed that our 8 year old walked into the bedroom at 2am and saw us pulling the blanket to hide our phones and cheese sticks.
If I ever correct your spelling you should just consider it a gift. Mostly a gift for me, but a little bit for you too
Nextdoor is Twitter for old people. 🧐
Guys, ladies love a rugged man.
Be like a wolf.
Knock down her house.
Eat her grandmother.
Tear her to shreds.
*makes wolf sounds
Me: Ok I’m just gonna lay down for like 15 minutes.
[11 Days later]
Oh no
My nana sleeps about four hours a night. That’s four whole hours I can use her wig to train my owl.
