Showerkraut
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I just took my neighbor’s home security sign and put it in my yard, because the theft on my street is getting out of hand.
Seeing a stuffed deer head on a wall makes me imagine its legs in the next room, just flailing around wildly.
hello pervert is such a strong opener
people don’t get a second dog. they get their dog a dog
I think I might have a shower.
*checks*
Yes, I have a shower.
Want guests to leave early? Don’t give them your WiFi password
You’re welcome
People who carry their dogs around,
You know they can walk, right? Theyre real good at it. It’s like one of the top known things about dogs
You know how when you pack, you’re supposed to use your socks and underwear to take advantage of any small spaces left amid the pants and shoes and jackets and etc.? That’s my strategy with after-dinner snacks.
Me:
Mime:
Me: You don’t say!
“And this is my creepy husband, John.”
(The way my friend should introduce her husband)
No more Geoffreys #GeoffreyBoycott
Jesus: [walking past a pond]
[A herd of hungry ducks begins waddling behind him]
Jesus: [starts walking faster]
*goes shopping without makeup and a hair in the messy bun*
“Hi everybody I ever met since 1999”
This is my main handbag, and this is the handbag I have to fit everything that doesn’t fit in my main handbag
greatest 45 seconds in cinematic history
I like to keep a glass of water on my nightstand just in case I wake up in the middle of the night and I want to spill something.
Sorry you didn’t win Best Picture, “Mad Max: Fury Road,” but if Trump wins the election, you can re-submit for “Best Documentary.”
I, for one, pronounce eau de toilette like ewww the toilet
Now I can’t wear my nude crystal dress this weekend.
Thanks, Rihanna.
I have to get Rosetta stoned to figure out what my pothead sister is texting me.
6 yo son: Who would win a fight between a hippo and a lion?
Me: I dunno, maybe the hippo because he’s big and can stomp?
6: Wrong, the lion has a knife.
Told my daughter work was tough today and she patted my back and said, “Life isn’t always pickles and peaches,” like some kind of 3rd Grade Confucius.
Introduced a friend to Parks and Rec but told them Rec stands for “Reconnaissance” because spies are trying to infiltrate the parks dept.
They keep saying they can’t tell who the spies are and I just keep going, “I know, right?? They’re really good!”
Moms that name their daughters Stacy are the real narcissists.
gf: [crying] I love him
gf’s dad: if you love him let him go
gf: [lets go]
me: [falling to my death] that’s not what it
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The forecast isn’t calling for rain so I’m just going to wash my car to prove the weatherman wrong
Looking for recipe ideas, I’d like to use up this uranium before it goes bad.
*walks up to salad bar and fills entire plate with bacon bits and chocolate pudding*
A boy asks his mom, “Why am I black and you’re white?” She says, “Don’t even go there. The way that party went, you’re lucky you don’t bark”
I don’t know when the apocalypse will happen.
All I know for sure is my son will still have 4th grade math homework due the next day.