Showerkraut
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For those who don’t know the difference, GRAPHIC NOVELS are COMPLETE stories, where as COMICS are people I try not to date any more.
Every time I see inside my neighbour’s incredibly pristine garage, I wonder what secret shenanigans he is up to in his basement.
dating a tall girl is cool until you make her mad at a picnic and she steps to the other side of the river
No one warned me that my teens can be royally pissed off with each other, but that will not stop them from missing an opportunity to collectively be mad at me.
Here’s the upside to having kids who are older:
I just sent out a group text letting them all know they’re on their own for dinner.
My 5yo: Mommy what are shark cooties.
Me: …. What?
5: Ava said shark cooties are her favorite snack.
Me: …..
Me: CHARCUTERIE. She likes charcuterie.
[“Platonic” male friend rams car through my bedroom wall]
I heard you broke up with your girl. You ok? Ready to give men a try now?????????
My girlfriend [31f] doesn’t know how to count months and it’s actually causing problems in our relationship [31m]
My mom didn’t care what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern”
A couple weeks ago I left my front door open and my Roomba got out. This morning it showed up on my porch pregnant, with a dead bird in its mouth.
Shout out to political bumper stickers, changing nobody’s mind and lowering the value of your car and whatnot.
Me: Guys, we have to leave for the store in an hour
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 15 min
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 5 min
Guys, we have to leave9yo: WHY?!? Where are we going?!?
waiter: would you like anything else ma’am?
me: yes please, a box for the leftovers that I will most definitely leave here on the table.
Me: How do Minions wear overalls? They don’t even have shoulders
Therapist: I meant is there anything else bothering you about your marriage
i pretend i don’t care about stuff but that’s only because i have no idea what’s going on around me at any given time.
Using cruise control on the highway so I can practice karate
Me: I don’t want to hear it, I want to feel it!
Also me: Not like that!
My main concern about having kids with my boyfriend is he’ll see me & our two-year-old together and be like “wait they kinda act the same”
“How do you feel about this combination of paint?”
“Well, mixed emulsions really”
Waiter: How is everything?
Me: This is a salad
Waiter: Yes
Me: I ordered spaghetti
Waiter: Yeah. We are really worried about you, dude
Marriage is like sitting in a wobbly chair, it’s annoying but you’re settled and too lazy to find another seat.
Never understood the desperation behind placing ur order in English at KFC/McD. Heard a guy practicing his order while sanding in the queue.
God: you’re a jellyfish.
Jellyfish: nice.
God: you have no bones.
Jellyfish: ok.
God: and no brain.
Jellyfish: oh.
God: you’re like 95% water and 5% venom.
Jellyfish:
God: you’re H2OhNo lol.
Here are 5 things you should know about me:
1. I’m very secretive
Me: Jimi Hendrix?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Beatles?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Doors?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Justin Bieber?
Daughter: Hate him.
Me: Thank God.
“I’m a real hipster.” He said, as his mustache fell off into his cold brew.
Who called it “Monkey Business” instead of In-Ape-propriate behavior?
“Why do old people keep getting scammed by phone calls?” wonders a generation that just sent a headshot and access to the data stored on their iPhones to a company they’ve never heard of before
Scream movies would never happen in this day and age because every time the killer would call we’d just let it go to voicemail.
If I die before I wake, I pray the lord has ice cream cake.