ME: This is literally my most vulnerable, unexpecting, and relaxed state

SHAMPOO BOTTLE: Seems like a good time to hit the ground

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when your parents get a divorce you gotta figure out if pokemon mom or pokemon dad has better exclusives. lucky if you have a sibling so you can each pick one and trade


Women love to say “sexy AF”
or “hot AF” on Twitter ….

If I’d known being in the Air Force
was that hot…I’d have stayed in !


Always crush and snort your first pill on the pharmacy counter to make sure they’re not passing you some fake shit.


Parole officer: Come in and take a seat

[me, finishing a jail term for stealing chairs] *starts sweating*


6-year-old: Santa’s not real.

Me: That’s right.

6: So I can be bad.

Me: That’s wrong.


This guy on Animal Planet is looking for some kind of leopard and I’ve never wanted someone to be eaten by a leopard more than I do right now.


There should be a safe word for small talk:

“So how about this weather we’re hav -”



Spells out “Can you clean the toilet” in candy hearts on the bed.


When I refer to kids as “Snot-dripping, germ-spreading spawns of Satan” I hope you realize I’m not referring specifically to YOUR children.