Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A saltwater crocodile’s bite can exert up to 3,700 lbs of pressure per square inch, which scientists say is notably less than that produced by my Dad Stare. Tread carefully, chief

At my age, you can spell Ibuprofen and Acetaminophen without googling it.

“It’s just a shell… it’s just a shell… it’s just a shell.”

– my foot touching anything in the ocean.

My wife didn’t post an essay thanking our kids for making her a mom on Facebook and now child services is on the way.

Someone stole my car’s steering wheel.

I just can’t handle it anymore.

they see me scrollin

Farm to table seasonal menus are hilarious. In August there are 17 fresh vegetable dishes described in flowing prose capped with perfectly framed Walt Whitman quotes and in January there are two sides that come down to “Jason’s sister-in-law found a bag of potatoes in the garage”

first time homeowner question. how much fog is supposed to be coming from my basement?

‘i have been exhausted since i was 30’

~me as a 29-yr old.

Saying “my body is a temple” is for people with money. When you’re poor, your body is a car. Like no it’s not supposed to be making that noise.

Customer: can you help me?

Me: whoa hey look lady, I just work here okay?

left my hotel balcony door open a bit and a pigeon wandered in, stole some of crackers, screamed at me and then left. so yeah when i die i wanna reincarnate as a big city bird

I dunno who decided on the spelling of bologna, but it’s obvious he had no idea how letters work.

The strangers on this cruise are getting really sick of me eavesdropping and interrupting with “I’m in the same boat.”

Me: “Thanks for always being here for me.”

*leans in for a kiss*

Liquor store clerk: “Please just pay for your bourbon and leave.”

If you try to rip somebody’s head off, I suggest you train for it first. If you don’t succeed it makes the following few minutes awkward.

my four year old daughter is calling geese “honkeys” and I should probably correct her but I won’t

I held my friend’s baby today and I heard my uterus whispering, “put the baby down and no one will get hurt”.

You can’t buy an umbrella. You can only inherit or steal one.

I’m going to write a comic book about a superhero whose superpowers include super speed, teleportation, and surprising unsuspecting citizens with mimosa stations.

Revenge is a dish best served by cutting a sandwich horizontally instead of diagonally

INTERVIEWER: why did you leave your last job?

ME: they stopped putting Kit Kats in the break room vending machine

that’s my husband on the left and me on the right

me: *responds maybe to a fb event*

wife: [from the other room] YOU’RE GOING TO OUR SON’S BIRTHDAY

The only things certain in life are death, taxes, and forgetting my reusable grocery bags.

I’m the type of husband that helps his wife look for her missing chocolate
that I ate.

Hugs not drugs. Except, yes drugs and why are you touching me?

Me: if you tell me how many cookies are in this jar, you can have them all.
She: you ate them all didn’t you?
Me: and we have a winner.

[First date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re a pharmacist

Her: Can you pass the salt?
“Sure, it’ll be ready in two hours.”

[before animals were invented]

plants: this is nice