showing a photo of a healthy guy to my doctor like i’d show the barber a picture of a haircut
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It’s my Roomba’s birthday so I’m bringing him to the beach and I’m just gonna let him go crazy
Her: Your house has a lot of cool stuff in it… Who plays the piano?
Me: Pretty much anybody who is trying to get on somebody’s nerves.
*knocks on bathroom stall wall*
Forgive me father, for I have sinned.
“Huh? What?”
It’s been 3 days since my last-
[sound of diarrhea]
My youngest found an “I’m a big sister” t-shirt, wore it to camp, and now it’ll take 9 months till the neighborhood believes I’m not pregnant
Boss: can I get an update
Me: glitches out and fails to install
getting a gf is actually very easy you just have to spin a basketball on your finger
Me: By the old gods and the new…may no man ever remove this crown.
Dentist: You can rinse now.
Me: *Unveils tray of brownies*
Neighbor: I said to bring a salad
Me: Salad is a colloquialism for brownies in my home
Neighbor: I don’t know that word
Me: It means ‘house’
The directions to this wedding are in kilometers. I’m either going to be way early or way late.
puting flowers in my hair to accentuate my dirt like quality
instead of being able to object at weddings we should be able to object at nursing school graduations
Hockey is like trying to push a potato bug with golf clubs while the players roller-skate on ice to house music.
I’m not very good at makeup because I naturally have bad handwriting and it just translates to my face
our Lyft driver this evening has plenty of barf bags stashed in the back, automatic 5 stars for him
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
Hear me out:
Ice T, Ice Cube and Vanilla Ice form a supergroup and they call it “The Refreshments”
>when you hit the end game in a JRPG but your party is underleveled
I will disappear on you at a party and show up 3 hours later with bruises, no phone and a goat.
deleted instagram because i’m sick of it and there is nothing on there that i want to see anymore. deleting my bank app for the exact same reason
The reason I can’t bake is the excessive effort to take out and put back all the pots and pans stored inside the oven
girlfriend: I’m sick of you having no sense of direction
me: where did that come from
News: There are aliens in Miami
Internet: meh
News: Okay well how about More Epstein clients?
Internet: *yawns*
News: Jews in a tunnel?
Internet: 🤯 OMG yes! Now you have my attention
I asked this homeless lady if I could take her home. She said yes, so I walked off with her cardboard box.
You never need to ask if there’s something in my pocket. I’m never happy to see anyone.
No one is born racist. Racism is taught. By other races.
Monogrammed towels are good for when you know how to spell your last name but sometimes get stumped on the first letter
Keep things interesting by delicately sneaking ice cubes into your friends’ pockets
They should punish kids who do well in school with more homework to prepare them for what happens to people who are efficient at their jobs.
god: ..and this part is your crust
earth: i’m a pizza 🙂
god: no that’s-
earth: everybody loves pizza 😀
god: but
earth: i’ll be treated so good forever and ever :’)
god: [deep breath in] here’s the thing
It’s an honour @thefunnytweeter – – thank you.
