showing a photo of a healthy guy to my doctor like i’d show the barber a picture of a haircut
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My 2 year old asked me for potato and kept getting mad at me when I gave her potatoes to eat.
It took a good 20 minute meltdown before I figured out that she calls play-doh potato.
Learning a new language has been hard for both of us.
*removing hair clog from drain*
Well wookiee here
Today’s office game is “Am I having auditory hallucinations in the bathroom or is someone sitting in the big stall watching videos on their phone?”
As a kid I had an imaginary friend, Jerry Lapston. He had a backstory and everything. The funniest thing though was that my little brother wanted a friend too, and in a moment of youthful innocence came up with the best creepy imaginary friend name ever: Uncle Bathingsuit
[praying mantis first date]
Female: You seem to have a good head on your shoulders.
Male: Yeah well, you know, saving it for marriage.
*watching tv
Me: “Don’t just stand there, idiot! Run! Escape while there’s still time! God, I can’t watch”
Wife: (turns off wedding video)
HER: A man at work saved someone’s life today.
*flashback to me finding a dollar in the laundry*
ME: I also have big news.
The attic in my garage that has been sealed shut for 3 years is mysteriously open and omg I have to move now.
I like to pretend that the dog follows me everywhere because she’s my biographer and not because she just wants food
The hardest thing Vision has to do
Babies are undefeated at debate. Their gibberish is too passionate
People who carry their dogs around,
You know they can walk, right? Theyre real good at it. It’s like one of the top known things about dogs
I miss seein tweets like “last Christmas I gave you my heart, but the very next day, Guantanamo Bay” who did that one
I like to sleep naked, I love the feeling of the sheets against my skin.
On an unrelated note I’m not allowed in Ikea anymore
My husband took 18 to a music festival and just texted me that he was “going in the mosh pit” and I didn’t have the heart to tell him I don’t think they call it that anymore and also he’s 49 and probably won’t survive that.
My gynecologist follows me on Instagram, I really do not know what else he wants to see.
As always, Wile E. Coyote’s plan had unexpected consequences.
If you watch Home Alone backwards it’s a loving story about an 8 year old boy that heals two men that were savagely beaten
#gameofthrones greatest achievement this season: getting us to root for a guy to hook up with a woman we all knew was his aunt.
gossiping friend: don’t breathe a word of this to anyone
me: don’t worry I only breathe air
Me: I might get to sleep in tomorrow!
Kid: Hold my sippy cup…
I don’t always leave the house, but when I do I shouldn’t.
DOCTOR: Your blood sugar is too high.
ME: That’s ridiculous!
*a hummingbird shivs me and starts sucking my nectar*
[rooster sits down in barber chair]
Give me a cockadoodledo
Pro tip: don’t bother feeding your kids before heading to the grandparent’s house. Either way they will be starving as soon as they walk in.
why doesn’t every store have a lost spouse aisle??
If I don’t win Mega Millions tonight, I’m going to have to mend a lot of fences tomorrow.
Whenever I think I’m having a bad day I think about the time I ran a half marathon and at the starting line all my music mysteriously disappeared and I had to listen to Sugar by Maroon 5 for 13.1 miles
Apparently telling the cop during my sobriety test, it’s not how many times you fall, but how many times you get up was not the best answer.