showing a photo of a healthy guy to my doctor like i’d show the barber a picture of a haircut
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Everybody loves a foam finger. Unless you’re sitting behind a very energetic child wearing one at a ballgame.
Ask your doctor if Drugs™ are right for you. If he says no give him a wedgie and stuff him in a locker he is a nerd.
sticking my hand out the car window while driving, for science
Wanna know why skeletons are so calm?
Because nothing gets under their skin.
[commercial for soup]
Have you ever wanted to eat regular food only with water poured all over it?
NARRATOR: SOUP
Make people question sincerity by adding quotations to your cards:
“Thank You”
Get well “soon”
“Congratulations” on the “baby”
I hope the next variant mutates to turn everyone into Cats, makes this all worthwhile.
*pushes you to the couch and latches on*
I’m a koala, and you’re my eucalyptus tree.
*pretends to eat your hair*
You’re the Pepsi of people.
Some people like you, but they’re wrong.
A snow angel, except a floor covered in puppies.
Her: I love your eyes.
Me: Thanks, they were a set…
I’m calling about the poster for your missing cat. Why not ask the guy who took that picture? Just kidding, I ran over it.
inside you are two wolves
Fact: men are never too busy for sex. It’s been clinically proven, 9 out of 10 men will find time for sex while fleeing a burning building.
Me: I am surprised at how winded I am by this exercise!!
Personal Trainer: This was the tour of the gym.
My daughter made such a cute little doll of me. It even has my real hair. She has it surrounded by some candles, and she’s giving it acupuncture to help the sharp pain in my side go away.
Me: I guess I’ll take four dollars
Wendy’s Drive thru cashier: That’s not how the dollar menu works
ME: [watching tv]
FRIEND: You should turn it on tho
Geez ONE crystal champagne glass gets broken and I’m not allowed to use them in the cat obstacle course anymore
TYRION: People love stories. And no one has a better story than Bran
ARYA, WHO LEARNED SHAPE-SHIFTING AND MURDERED THE INVINCIBLE ICE KING OF DEATH: Bran has what now
Anxiety causes your body to store fat so that’s one more thing to be anxious about.
[making small talk with a new parent] so are you planning on raising them good or bad?
Husband: What is today?
Me: I’m in no mood for your riddles today.
When kids say they’re bored…
new parent: let’s go outside
seasoned parent: go clean something
A smile lets people know you are willing and able to bite them if necessary.
The first guy to eat cheese had a creepy hunch that totally paid off
I know this is only our second date, Susan, and maybe I’m moving too fast, but I’d like permission to rename your cat.
I think my wife might have been secretly taking goalkeeping lessons. I certainly wouldn’t put it past her.
Last time I was at the zoo, I got tazed for telling some kids that mountain gorillas were called gorhillas.
Good times.