[showing a picture of a very healthy person to my doctor] I was thinking something a bit like this
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Me: my point is, if you remove the potatoes from potato salad you aren’t left with salad
Deli Manager:
Me: so what else are you lying about
Our movers are finally here and I’m realizing my husband labeled boxes like “books, prob.”
When a cop talks to you about Miranda, he’s not inviting you for a three-way… I know this now.
kinda bullshit my iPhone doesn’t recognize my face with food hanging out of it
*walks into IT department attempting to look cool*
You guys torrent any emails lately?
I wonder if the plants in my house get scared when I eat salad?
I’m going green for the holidays.
Grinch green.
My parents are happily celebrating their 50th anniversary. “That will be you and me one day,” I quietly whisper to the gym membership I can’t cancel.
Let the bodies hit the floor? Ok but first let me put down some plastic this is new carpet I don’t want to ruin it my mom will be pissed
A cashier was giving me my change and said “have a good…” then looked at my face and said “…sleep.” This seriously just happened
i hate being a girl i wish i was a computer virus
“Objection your honor, the defense is badg-”
BADGERING THE WITNESS! JINX! You can’t talk.
*Judge gives a respectful nod* “Case dismissed.”
me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: WHAT IS THE NOG IN EGG NOG??
Found out that my girl puts peas in her Mac n Cheese… Our whole relationship is a lie… Why couldn’t she just sleep with someone else like a normal person?
If someone ever asks you to show up naked underneath a trench coat at their hotel…make sure you get the room number right.
This coworker is in a really good mood this morning, so I hacked his Facebook account and wrote “sexy” on all of his wife’s friends’ pics.
CW: Can you hold this Snickers?
Me: mmhmm
CW: Are you holding it in your mouth?
Me: mmhmm
3 eggs may not feed my family, but I found 2 boxes of cake mix and Mama ’bout to turn water into wine.
Cooking is kind of strange, conceptually. Who took the first slab of meat and said “we better put fire under this for 15 minutes so we don’t die”
8 really detests when I use fish sticks to play the drums on her head
I wonder what went down that day to make them put *NO heavy petting* signs up at the public swimming pool
*puts on winter boots*
*trudges through newly fallen legos*
mice after a breakup be like “we are not on squeaking terms”
Life plan:
1. Befriend shady people.
2. Witness a murder.
3. Enter witness protection & get new name.
4. So long student loans!
Right before you die, maybe yell out something funny, like “hi God- wait a minute, YOU’RE NOT GOD”
My 3yo came running towards me, I opened my arms ready for the biggest hug from him until he stopped right in front of me, wiped his nose on my sleeve and ran away
That’s motherhood summed up for you
How to sex:
Boy: can I put my finger in your belly button
Girl: sure
Girl: that’s not my belly button
Boy: that’s not my finger
Some people will always secretly hope that you fail. Not me. I’ll outwardly hope that shit.
“Oh, my, god. Becky, look at her butt!”
“DOCTOR PLEASE SHE IS CODING! NOW IS NOT THE TIME!”