Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I’m reading their lips correctly, my neighbors are arguing about some creepy guy next door.

Glad I had the coat closet redone so that everyone can continue leaving jackets and bags everywhere except the coat closet

The Breakfast Club: (1985) (1hr 37 mins) Not a single breakfast is had. Barely a club. Misleading. 1/10

At my funeral take the bouquet off my casket and throw it in the crowd to see who next

shoutout to everyone trying to look busy instead of working the final hours before a holiday weekend

Snow White succumbs to avian influenza as a message against the laziness of magically hiring animals to complete household chores.

Apparently it’s 7 years today since I discovered that adding googly eyes to the tap on a wine box makes it look like Shaun the Sheep.

Mermaids is much more serious than mermsyphilis.

Look dude, I’m going to need to see alot more chest hair and jewelry if you want into my Disco party

She’s only nine, but my daughter sings Adele like she’s already been through countless devastating break-ups

Me: Just a glass of water
Scientist waiter: You mean a glass of… yourself? You see, the body is made up of ok ok sit down I’ll bring it

*watching an old Lassie show

Me: How come you can’t do those things?

Dog (mutters): If we had a well I’d push you into it.

Neat! according to this Walgreens blood pressure monitor, i should have died in 1998

One time we sold our house and when we were moving my husband commented how the blinds never collected dust. “Let’s try to buy those same blinds!”

Me, the invisible duster: ok

Now that people ignore word meanings and say they haven’t done/seen/whatever something “in a minute” when they actually mean anything from a week to thirty years, I’m going to take that concept in the other direction and describe small time periods as “several millenia.”

The pen is writier than the sword.

“now i’ve seen everything” no you haven’t. have you seen a frog drive a submarine? shut up

It’s important to remember where you parked the get away vehicle.

[first date]
“Tell me two interesting things about yourself”
well I lie when I’m nervous…
“ok…”
and I invented oatmeal

Sometimes words are just not enough

And for such occasions, I have this flamethrower

The urge to say “yeah you should do that”, especially when you have no clue.

I just heated up a delicious chocolate brownie and put some ice cream on top of it & sat on the couch to enjoy it.

Seconds later, Catherine asked Samuel if he’d like a bite on MY brownie.

I faked a smile and gave him a bite.

Soon after, she asked him AGAIN.

I have no wife.

amazon: your package is in your mailbox 🙂

me: it is not

amazon: we delivered to your mailbox already 🙂

me: i ordered a microwave it is not in my mailbox

amazon: maybe you’re looking in the wrong one?

me: that isn’t possible

amazon: put your f*****g glasses on dipshit :))

When I found out Santa wasn’t real I got so mad at my parents I stormed out of the house, got in my car and just drove and drove and drove.

Her: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to learn Japanese and crochet*

Me: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to perfect my cereal to milk ratio*

never vacuuming so i don’t disrupt my carpet’s natural micro biome

my 4yo has started saying the phrase “calm down” and it works as well on me as it does on him

*tornado warning*
*sirens blaring outside*
*every phone in the house beeping emergency alerts*

Me, frantic: EVERYONE GET INTO THE BATHTUB!

Son: I’m one of 3 left in this Fortnite game, hang on.

Wife caved and ripped open the bag of Halloween candy two weeks early.

She should have just used the small hole I cut in the bottom a week ago