Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

waiter : here’s your bread for the table

table : nom nom nom delicious

“An eye for an eye?”

– a cannibal at a swap meet

Buy a ticket to Finding Dory and yell “She’s right there!” every time she comes on the screen until you’re escorted out of the theater.

This tweet lives in my head rent free.

Grammar isn’t just grandpa’s wife.

Spring is here!

I got so excited I wet my plants!

When they try to steal your moment.

When my wife and I argue it’s usually over something petty like “what are we going to watch tonight?” or “who’s that guy you were just having sex with?”

For the record Tom is just a friend.

dentist: when did you last floss?

me: just last week

dentist: you know i went to school for this, right? i can see that’s not true

me: sorry, i meant yesterday

dentist: what?

me: i mean i’m flossing right now

dentist:

me: ow my gums, they hurt exactly the normal amount

me tracking my package 5 minutes after i just ordered it

Today is the first day of the rest of your life and you’ve already screwed it up.

Ooh I do like a good funnel

sad to hear it but I hope it’s for the best

Medusa: ok so I’ve decided I want bangs

hair stylist: *visibly pales

I don’t understand people who “get ready for bed”.

I’m always ready for bed.

I can smell what the neighbour is grilling but I’ll still yell over “what’s for dinner tonight”? and he’ll say “burgers” and then I’ll say “smells good”.

*Goes to work*

*Punches clock*

*Gets fired for breaking clock*

Kids be so pure. My son was telling me how his friend’s dad works at Panda Express. I asked could he get us the hook up. My son said he didnt know but asked me why i didnt have a useful job for our life like that

Guy wearing Superman t-shirt. LOL. Way to blow your identity idiot.

Took an 11 year old to play golf and Ive now graduated from his butler to his caddie.

Me: Can I have $5?

Mom: What happened to the $5 I gave you in 1998?

Step 1:Establish a medical history of “sleep walking”

Step 2. Murder your neighbor who mows their lawn at 6am

Step 3: Return to bed

Romance is:
Making her a sandwich and cutting it in half using your miter saw for the perfect angle.

Maybe raccoons aren’t really digging through trash for food,

Maybe they’re just looking for something to remove their eye shadow.

It seems that after checking my bank account, I need to turn to a life of crime

Spider-Man, but set in rural Norfolk so he just has to walk everywhere.

I think about this a lot

*exercises sarcastically*

A duv-egg? In this economy?

Peregrine falcons: Attack from above. Prey on smaller birds. Silent. Cowards.

Geese: Will land in front of a full grown man. Hiss and honk to let you know battle has commenced. Audible boss music. Brave.