Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i don’t have a lot of great life advice but one thing i can 100% tell you is don’t be the person sending angry drunk texts after midnight

Stop acting like you’ve never seen someone with a pocket full of chicken nuggets before 🙄

So nice of the Oscars to give this tribute to Selma then not nominate it for anything

“Oh you have a hot tub? You never mentioned it” said no one ever.

I asked my husband to play bagpipes at my funeral so I can be happy that I’m dead.

[anniversary dinner]

HER: tell me something that will make my heart race

ME: my credit card got declined

Me – You almost ready?
Wife – Just a few more minutes. What time do we have to be there?
Me – Yesterday at 7.

My wife said I need to grow up.

I was speechless.

It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth

Psssst. You guys. When Canada is sleeping we should sneak up there and remove the all the U keys from their keyboards.

space horror is the best horror. what’s out there? no one knows! big rocks. creepy things. sticky things. math! stuff on fire. big holes. big holes with math in them.

When you’re British and you need to deliver the sickest burn possible

“someone broke into your room… and peed on you while you were asleep”
me: that’s right, officer

SIRI: Brian, what goes “blah blah blah, I don’t know anything, please help me”?
ME: Uhh
SIRI: It’s you. That’s what you sound like.

the buddha: *on twitter* how dreadful. the karmic damage from this will greatly prolong your suffering in the cycle of rebirth

me: a lot of people are saying that

When a crab dies does it become a ghost in the shell

Discovered my husband thinks the candy is called “whoopers” and I may never recover from this

[Family Dinner]
Me: Grandma, please pass the updog.
Sister: *Pinches bridge of her nose*
Grandma: What’s updog?
Me: Not much, how about you?

[Leaving office]
BOSS: I’m gonna work on my car this weekend

ME: Wow *shakes head* you really should consider getting a desk

A dollar doesn’t go as far as it used to.

Dollar (out of breath): Screw you.

I never feel more alive than in those 2 seconds between:
Me: “i’m just gonna say it”
and
My Brain: *you’re an idiot

Mix it up a little. Start answering calls from unrecognized phone numbers with an angry “If this is about the marmot again, I swear to God someone’s going to pay!”

“I’m the only cop on the force who can play the bassoon dammit” “Not anymore” New cop in sunglasses walks in, just killing it on the bassoon

Inside Out 2:

The girl enters puberty.

Her emotions get out of control.

She goes Goth.

Sadness murders the other emotions in their sleep

I’m 6’ and I’m built like someone who overestimates by four inches

Everyone knows someone with a shelter dog that is 50% Chihuahua and 50% 8 other breeds that is calmer than any other dog in the world and lives to 25. Everyone likes them. The dog is always called like Squirt or something

all stores should have bathrooms in the front AND the back. the chances my kid will use the conveniently placed front bathroom when we first walk in are 0. The chances he’ll want to use one is when we’re 2 miles in the back of the store is 100.

Attention Walmart Shoppers –

There is someone dressed
Appropriately in
Aisle 12

[spelling bee]
JUDGE: Your word is “incorrect”
KID: I haven’t spelled it yet
JUDGE: No, that’s your word
KID: T-H-A-T-’-S
JUDGE: No-
KID: N-

You can make so much more soup if you use your washing machine.

Ha.