[showing colleague a pic on phone]
“NO! Don’t scroll left!”
My face falls as he sees my erotic photo collection of donuts on plates.
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retweet this to electronically sign my petition to ban windmills worldwide . we’ve had enough bird casualties . and for what ?more wind ?
It’s wrong! If gay marriage is legal who will stop me marrying this painting of a horse. This majestic painting. Who will stop me kissing it
I just realized how long ago 2008 was, and I’ve decided I don’t like time any more
Get the body you always wanted this summer. Go grave-robbing.
I ended it after I checked his browser history and found hundreds of video game walk-throughs. Once a cheater, always a cheater.
OoOcH sTePpInG oN LeGoS iS tHe WoRsT!
-person who has crawled and taken a Lego to the knee
Me. I’m the person.
“Don’t put all your eggs … in there”.
[texting]
Wife: Clean out your bowels.
Me: OK.
Wife: *bowls. The ones in the sink
Me: *chugging laxatives* Damn it.
if you push your belly button and nose at the same time your brain takes a screenshot
When a billionaire dies, who inherits their senators?
I consider sexual harrassmemt a compliment. I mean they only do it if your hot right?
Ice Bucket Challenge Champion since 1945 ☺️
me: I invited colin for dinner tomorrow
her: is that the guy that always gets the day wrong?
*knock at the door*
me: yes
Person: I like for people to spell out what they want.
Me: C-h-e-e-s-e.
Me: you kill people for their blood? How do you sleep at night?
Vampire: I don’t.
Me: How do you look at yourself in the mirro-
Vampire: also no.
How much credibility is there in that whole “you can punch yourself handsome” theory?
Asking for a friend.
When my wife asks me to get her something from her giant purse, it’s always “Check the big pocket. No the side pocket. Wait, the medium pocket on the inside. Maybe the other side pocket. Did you check the big pocket?”
Me: Honey if you ever murder me please do it in a cool way so we get our own Dateline special
Husband: Deal
Wife: Ooh, did you already brush your teeth?!
Me, hiding my 7th Mint Julep: Yesh.
wife: I don’t think our marriage can survive the distance issue
me: what distance issue, I’m always here or nearby
wife:
me: oh
“Why do you hate me?”
– me any time someone tells me I have to sleep on a futon
My friend reckons he’s going to make a fortune flying people about in his invisible aeroplane. I can’t see it taking off.
40% of my vocabulary consists of words that I inventaciously creatified.
I have no covid-19 symptoms, which from what I hear, is a symptom of covid-19
In 8th grade, I had a crush on a boy in my class. At some point, I found out my family was moving & I was gonna switch schools. So, I wrote him a very long love letter. The day after I read it to him in front of my class, my parents decided I could keep going to the same school.
Zoo security guy: We know you’ve stolen a parrot. Hand it over.
Me: Why would you accuse me? Is it because I’m brown??
From inside my jacket: Is it because I’m brown??
If you live alone and you have pets they don’t know your name
my mom: [wrapping my pills in cheese]
me: no, mom, use the GRUYERE I’m an ADULT
*at the pond*
“hon—there’s something i need to ask you”*emotional* yes?
*blows duck call*
*ducks on water arrange to spell out ‘TACOS?’*
I’m sorry Mr. Simmons. I really enjoy babysitting little Timmy, but I’m only 14. I need real money, not bitcoin.